Friday, June 30, 2006


The staff at is surprised that CARS has received mixed reviews from many of the nation's top cinematic critics. Seems to us that most of these Typo Marxists don't have a clue as to who put the "pun" in pundit. Here are just two examples:

"The makers of DOC HOLLYWOOD called. They want their movie back." Christy Lemire, Associated Press

"Is there a script mechanic in the pits? I've heard of funny cars, but CARS just isn't funny." Thomas Delapa, Boulder Weekly

O.K. -- I did stretch it a bit to quote Boulder Weekly. This Colorado rag certainly doesn't possess any more right to exist than the ubiquitous bikey boys in Spandex who populate that part of the Rocky Mountain West. But I digress...

Approximately 60% of all reviewers have praised CARS and the creative team behind this spectacular animated offering. Terry Larson of the Detroit Free Press wrote, "It's characters may be made of steel, but this movie is made of sturdier stuff: heart and art." And John Venable of agrees: "Pixar is the Ferrari of animation studios...another winner!"

So which is it? To paraphrase two famous films --

Is CARS what Strother Martin declared in COOL HAND LUKE: "What we have here is...failure to carburate."

Or does Bette Davis best describe CARS with her memorable line in ALL ABOUT EVE: "Fasten your seat belts, its going to be a Humpy Wheeler night!" (This is for the NASCAR fans out there in cyberspace. Yes, one can log on to the internet at most trailer parks these days...)

The answer is undeniable; we side with Ms. Davis. CARS is as good as a panoply of Panhards.

Boogity! Boogity! Boggity!

Thursday, June 29, 2006


Rush Hudson Limbaugh III (aka "Limpbaugh") attended Southeast Missouri State University for one year, flunking not one but two Speech courses at this bastion of higher edjumacation. That's the extent of Rush-a-roo's college career. He then proceeded to marry three women -- Roxy, Sixta and Marta. All three marriages ended in divorce; there are no children. While the specific reasons for this may be in question, one can speculate that this impotent potentate who prides himself on "family values" is even worse in bed than he is on the air.

Of course the latest gaffe involves twenty-nine little blue pills found in his luggage at the Palm Beach Airport after his private plane landed from a soiree in the Dominican Republic. Unfortunately, the bottle containing this Viagra prescription was not in his name, but that of two of his doctors. The reason? This learned scholar from the "Show Me State" didn't want the world to know that his itty-bitty penis is as dysfunctional as his pea-sized brain. Citing a desire "to protect his privacy," the attempted deception simply made us all privy to his privates.

This is almost as funny as "Dick" Cheney trying to shoot something else...

Sunday, June 25, 2006


This photo of Ms. Ann Coulter was taken during the "Evening Gown Competition" at the MISS HOLOCAUST BEAUTY PAGENT being held this weekend in beautiful Butte, Montana. Thus far Ann of Green Gabble has faired rather poorly at this prestigious event, coming in last in the "Miss Congeniality" voting and third from the bottom among women with no bottoms in the "Swimsuit Competition."

Final results will be announced later today after the "Talent Competition." No announcement has been made regarding what Ms. Coulter is planning other than we do know for certain that her mouth will be the primary orifice being utilized and swallowing may be involved as well.

One last comment: Officials with the MISS HOLOCAUST BEAUTY PAGENT had originally selected once-bucolic Bulverde, Texas as the site for this year's event. However, an advance scouting party discovered that the Comal County Courthouse building was simply too reminiscent of the Reichstag to have these women come and compete. This decision was made a little more difficult when, at the last minute, the Comal County Chamber of Kommandants offered free strudel and a leisurely afternoon of toobing the Guadalupe River at no cost for all participants.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


American Media, which owns the tabloids NATIONAL ENQUIRER, THE STAR and THE GLOBE, has in past years scooped the mainstream media on a number of high-profile indiscretions, including Gary Hart's affair with Donna Rice aboard the appropriately-named "Monkey Business," Bill Clinton's pollination of Gennifer Flowers and, most recently, the birth of Reverend Jesse Jackson's illegitimate child. (What would Buckwheat think?)

Yes, American Media reported these first and Sasquatch has been a subscriber ever since.

But can the just released details of the George W. Bush-Condoleeza Rice relationship and the alleged rift between Dubya and Laura (as published in the current edition of THE GLOBE) really be true?

Not in a million years. Then again -- if there's something to this, please remember that you learned about it here first.

Hey, if this expose' falls as flat as Ben Roethlisberger's schnozzola, then we at Needtovent promise to expose all the trashy details of Millard and Abigail Fillmore's infidelity. It's the least we can do...

Monday, June 12, 2006


Pictured above is ex-Formula 1 race car driver David Purley. On July 13, 1977, David experienced a horrific crash at the Silverstone Raceway while on a practice run in preparation for the English Grand Prix. Veering off track his race car went from 108 mph to zero in an astonishing 22 inches.

Listed in the Guinness Book of World's Records -- David Purley survived an unbelievable g-force of 179.8. He sustained 29 fractures, three dislocations and six heart stoppages, yet he ultimately made a full recovery.

One hundred eight miles per hour to a dead stop (figuratively) in a total distance of only twenty-two inches...

Experiencing one hundred seventy-nine point eight times his body weight...

Without benefit of a HANS Device or a SAFER Barrier...

Impossible -- and yet it is true.

David's "luck" (for lack of a better word) came to an end in 1985 when he crashed his Pitts Special aerobatic biplane into the sea off Bognor Regis, West Sussex, England. Bognor Regis, by the way, was accorded 28th place in THE IDLER Magazine's "Crap Towns" list of UK municipalities.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

WOODY GETS A WEDGIE (Two actually)

Earlier today history was made when the Needtovent Headquarters received a disturbing dispatch from Tulsa, Oklahoma. We admit that anything to do with Tulsa is automatically disturbing, but this communication went way beyond the norm. In fact, it was so shocking, so scathing, so salacious that Ann Coulter wishes she had sent it. We will keep the identity of the sender secret for fear of Pixar Police retaliation, especially since three cots at Camp Gitmo became available yesterday thanks to a trio of hanging chad jihadists.

You might ask: What could be even more upsetting than another POSEIDON remake?

Not much, except maybe this: "Last night I watched TOY STORY 2 on ABC. It's Winnie the Pooh taken too far. Anything that makes you feel so guilty about a toy really sucks."

To pooh-pooh TOY STORY 2 is beyond comprehension. Almost. After all, what in the name of Toya Ulrich is going on here?

This got us to thinking -- does anyone else share the same opinion?

In trying to find a negative review of TOY STORY 2 we had to dig deeper than a Bulverde soccer mom's belly button. Alas, one reviewer out of the thirty-six we checked agreed with our Tulsa Troubadour -- the ever surprising Mr. Cranky. Here's what Mr. Cranky wrote. We couldn't have said it better...

"I'm sure that you are familiar with the confusing practice of translating the title of American movies into Japanese. For example, TERMINATOR 2 becomes MAN WHO SHOOT BIG GUN and FIGHT CLUB becomes BOYS WHO DO NOT WASH. This is how I felt watching TOY STORY 2 -- as if the movie I was sitting through had two entirely different meanings to two entirely different segments of the population.

For instance, about an hour into the film, after Woody (Tom Hanks) is taken by an evil toy store owner (Wayne Knight), he finds out that he was once part of a television show with Jessie (Joan Cusack), Prospector (Kelsey Grammer) and Bullseye the Horse. Woody wants to leave and return to his owner and somewhere during his explanation Jessie reminisces about how she once had an owner and breaks into a song about it.

If you're a kid, the title of this segment is "Jessie Breaks Into A Song About Loneliness." If you're an adult, the title of this segment is "Randy Newman And Filmmakers Conspire To Win An Oscar For Best Original Song." The only way it could have been more obvious would have been if an academy ballot shot out of my chair after it was all over.

Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) and the gang attempt to rescue Woody and naturally end up in a toy store. The kids see "Toys In A Toy Store," I see "Capitalism Enema." I mean, why not just sell the damn dolls at the theater? Given how much people are willing to pay for popcorn, Disney could easily suck the weekly paycheck out of most poor losers just so their kid has the latest thing. One has to wonder whether the reality of millions of kids clamoring for a Woody isn't some sinister conspiracy between Disney and the porn industry."

Thank you, Mr. Cranky. And thank you, Tulsa, for giving us something to ponder beyond Oral's Opulent Oratorium.

Friday, June 09, 2006


This photograph of Ann Coulter on the back porch of her "safe house" begs the question: "Would one F-16 and two 500 pound bombs be enough to 'incapacitate' the Michael Moore of the Right?" We at Needtovent think not -- she's far too hardened in our opinion.

What do you think?

Before closing we do want to acknowledge a perverse sense of admiration for the "Mouth That Roared." You see, Needtovent holds in high regard anyone who is willing to "push the envelope," even if we vehemently disagree on the position being taken. So here's a KUDO for Cuntessa Coulter for putting back the "a" in audacity, the "a" in arrogance and both "a's" in aardwolf.

(For more on Ann Coulter we refer you to "Haughty Coulter" which was posted at Needtovent-movies.blogspot on December 12, 2005)

Thursday, June 08, 2006


It's time for the staff at Needtovent to announce the "Jerk of the Week" -- and guess what, we have a tie!

Beemer Weems is a baseball player for Baylor University. During the Regionals in Houston this past weekend this silver-spoon-fed-cretin from a very upper-class family displayed absolutely no class in talking smack after hitting a home run against the University of Arizona. Even the umpires were barely able to keep lil' Beemer under control. Given the fact he's from Virginia we are quite suprised that "Screamer Beemer" did not opt to turn in his Louiseville Slugger for a broom handle and join the Duke Lacrosse team.

Jim Bob Cooter is a back-up quarterback for the University of Tennessee Volunteers. He's from a very priviledged family also, but his arrest for DUI may jeopardize his playing status. Not to worry Cooter, you can always transfer to Duke by turning in your pigskin for a vulcanized lacrosse ball. We're sure you'll know where to stick it.

They don't call 'em the Blue Devils for nothing...

All this just goes to show that parents must be extremely careful in naming their children. The consequences of a stupid moniker can obviously have long-lasting effects. Luckily, this is not always the case as Destiny Frankenstein (a very good softball player for the Kansas University Jayhawks) proves the exception to the rule.

It must be her destiny...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


Just about the time you think you've seen it all along comes a movie that redefines everything.

RESERVOIR DOGS, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, NATURAL BORN KILLERS, THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, STRAW DOGS, PULP FICTION -- none of these films compare to the astonishingly disturbing FUNNY GAMES, the 1997 Austrian film written and directed by Michael Haneke.

There are lots of descriptive words that leap to the forefront: harrowing, distressing, uncomfortable, chilling, compelling, unbearable and gut-wrenching are just a few.

The acting is outstanding, especially Susanne Lothar as the mother of a family terrorized by two sadistic but-ever-so-polite young killers. And Haneke knows how to clinically ratchet up the inexorable tension while, at the same time, irritating the viewer beyond what I thought possible from a screening experience. Yes, I said irritating -- in the same vein as Ms. Fundis streaking chalk across the blackboard in seventh grade -- where every nerve ending imaginable is zapped to the fullest extent.

FUNNY GAMES is also infuriating because Haneke tries something incredibly stupid at the 90-minute mark. Some ersatz film critics have applauded the director for his decision to break the fourth wall -- as if this hasn't been done before. One example is MR. SARDONICUS from beloved schlockmeister William Castle. For Mr. Castle it was a gimmick that worked, at least to a degree. Unfortunately, the same can not be said for Mr. Haneke -- even Film 101 students at the University of Texas know better (although I'm not so certain that's true about the over-rated faculty).

In closing, let me assure you that should you chose to see FUNNY GAMES you will hate it for what it does to you. But, I also can assure you that you will not be able to turn away.

An aside --

I've tried to think of something that could equal the incessant, inflammable, visceral irritability of FUNNY GAMES. About the only thing I've come up with is to have Topo Gigio do a Bowflex commercial narrated by Fran Dresher with Ms. Fundis providing the sound effects. On second thought, that doesn't even come close...

Thursday, June 01, 2006


My previous posting -- FILM'S KNOW-NOTHINGS -- prompted loyal reader "mrn" to remind me of a story that will illustrate why today's television programming remains pretty much a "vast wasteland." While the big screen provides very few decent offerings per year, the tally with the telly is even more dismal. And, as I will illustrate below, the reasons are quite similar.

First a little background...

One of my good friends in the television industry is Michael Norell. Michael's credits date back to the mid-1970's when he wrote for long-running, highly successful programs such as EMERGENCY and THE LOVE BOAT. Over the course of Michael's storied career he has written hundreds of prime time network programming hours, receiving an Emmy nomination and being the recipient of many industry accolades including the Edgar Allen Poe Award, the Christopher and the WGA's top award for the best movie of the week in 1991 -- THE INCIDENT. Michael has seen it all and done it all -- almost...

In 1996, actor Don Johnson and his Colorado neighbor, Hunter S. Thompson, wrote a feature-length movie script which did not sell. However, CBS purchased the story rights and they turned to some relatively inexperienced hot-shot television writers/producers to adapt the two main characters in the script to serve as the basis for a new TV series -- NASH BRIDGES. These young guns were thrilled to have this opportunity handed to them, and the only onerous condition they were subjected to was that CBS required a seasoned, network approved writer be brought in to assist in the process.

Enter my buddy, Mike Norell.

As Mike tells it, the very first story meeting for the pilot episode went something like this:

"Here's an idea, let's have our detectives investigate a family that's being stalked by some bad guy. You know, like in CAPE FEAR."

"Yeah, and the husband could also be having to deal with some real bitch he once had an affair with."

"What's your frame of reference?"


"That's a great idea."

"And our stalker could be a preacher!"

"That's good also. What's your frame of reference?"

"The Robert Duvall character in THE APOSTLE."

And so it went -- every character, every plot twist and turn, every element of the pilot episode was derived from a film or TV show these guys had previously seen. Nothing original -- everything was brazenly lifted from something already produced and which each could relate to since they all shared a common "frame of reference."

Satisfied they had concocted a spectacular pilot episode, the group of self-righteous neophytes turned to Michael who hadn't said a single word.

"So, Mr. Norell, what do you think?"

Michael simply replied by outlining in great detail an entire storyline -- everything totally original and completely different from what he had just heard. The room fell silent, the young guns looked at each other. Finally, one spoke out:

"Geez, I don't think I have ever seen any of that before. What's your frame of reference?"

Michael's reply: "There isn't any 'frame of reference.' I'm a writer. I FUCKIN' MADE IT UP!"

What a concept...

Mike was proposing a television program that's totally fresh, authentic, genuinely inventive; not some hackneyed rehash of a dozen other shows or films we've all seen before. Of course, such audacity made his stint with NASH BRIDGES short and not-so-sweet.

The end result -- NASH BRIDGES went on to be a show where the only thing worth watching, the only thing with any pizzazz was a 1970 Plymouth Barracuda.

A postscript --

I recently ran across the following Don Johnson quote:

"I'm better than De Niro. I'm better than Pacino. I've got the talent, they've got the material."

I'm not sure about the talent part, but he may be right about the material -- especially NASH BRIDGES.