Friday, May 23, 2008


I understand the concept of civic pride -- the fine citizens of Butte, Montana, for example, fiercely defend their burg despite having the largest truck-operated open pit copper mine in the United States expand to become, literally, their very own back yard. To make matters worse, the unsightly mine is now abandoned and it contains highly acidic water laced with toxic heavy metals. But hard-core Butte residents wouldn't live anywhere else and, to their credit they never, ever attempt to sugar-coat the situation by saying something patently false or misleading. It is obvious that the Berkley Pit at sunset isn't as beautiful as Monument Valley or the Grand Canyon and the Butte Chamber of Commerce avoids such ridiculous claims, tempting as they might be. Too bad this isn't true in my very own backyard.

I'm referring, of course, to the most recent edition of the Bulverde/Spring Branch Area Chamber of Commerce Business Directory and Community Guide. As in past years, the incomprehensible, inconceivable description for Spring Branch (formally known as Kraut -- nice huh?) remains unchanged and unbelievably delusional:

"A majestic wonderland, blessed with rolling ranges of countless peaks and valleys."

Wonderland? Countless peaks and valleys? Sounds a lot like Switzerland or Austria or New Zealand. To continue this imbecilic illusion is nothing short of being pestiferous. I'm guessing that whoever is responsible for this pamphlet's pathetically perpetual, pompous, pervasive, perturbing and pertinacious portrayal must be a certifiable pinhead.

NEWS FLASH -- the renowned investigative team at Needtovent, headed by internationally-revered Hans Blix, has just discovered the identity of the Bulverde/Spring Branch Chamber of Commerce employee responsible for this absurd, moronic beschreibung. Luckily our very own Daniel Wells, erstwhile staff photographer for the New Braunfels High School UNICORN, was nearby and thus able to take this snapshot of the bedazzling Bulverde-born and bred beauty during her lunch break.

Is that a Comal County Sheriff's cruiser coming up my driveway?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008



No other sport has as much fascinating history as baseball.

Take for example the triumph of 17-year-old Jackie Mitchell, the only woman ever signed to a professional major league baseball contract. In her only appearance on the mound for the Chattanooga Lookouts (a Double-A team) Jackie struck out both Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig during an exhibition game in 1931. The date was April 2nd and she mowed down Murderer's Row in front of 4,000 unbelieving fans on only seven pitches. Yep, seven...

Or consider the plight of one Joe Pignatano. This poor fellow had a respectable major league career that lasted six seasons, but no one remembers his 16 home runs or his .234 lifetime batting average. Instead, this more than capable catcher will be eternally remembered for being the only major league baseball player to ever hit into a triple play in his last at-bat. Talk about ignominity for someone who wore the "tools of ignorance."

And then there are the infinite number of statistics that the game of baseball so embraces. Earned run averages, for example. Best slugging percentage by a Chicago Cub infielder under the age of thirty facing a 3-2 count. Most career doubles during a twi-light double-header by a left-handed pinch hitter with runners in scoring position. The list is truly endless.

While not an official statistic, the numbers 72 and 9 1/2 are exceptional in off-field baseball lore.

Enter Frank Pastore, a pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds between 1979 and 1985. A year after he retired Frank entered the record books by devouring the 72-once steak dinner at the Big Texan Steak House in Amarillo in a remarkable nine and one-half minutes. Just think -- 4.5 lbs. of top sirloin, a baked potato, a shrimp cocktail and a dinner roll in less time than the typical 7th-inning stretch. That's an A-1 accomplishment to be sure.

Fireballin' Frank held this record for twenty-two years until a fellow named Joey Chestnut accomplished the feat in eight minutes, fifty-two seconds on March 24, 2008.

(It should be pointed out that the fastest time of all is an astounding 90 seconds, done by a Bengal Tiger just outside the restaurant's front door.)

Friday, May 09, 2008


"Had enough of Obama vs. Clinton? Watch films do battle instead. At Movie Smackdown! two films go toe-to-toe to decide whether the defending champion, a classic, still has what it takes, or if a new release is the one to watch."

This quote is the opening paragraph on the American Movie Classics (AMC) website announcing that Bryce Zabel's Movie Smackdown! has been selected as their "Website of the Week." With AMC available in over 92 million homes this prestigious designation is extremely significant and, we believe, one that is well deserved. The entire staff at Needtovent sends our congratulations to Bryce and to all of the other Guest Reviewers who help make this website so successful.

As loyal readers of this blog already know, Needtovent's very own Robert A. Nowotny is proud to be an occasional contributor to Movie Smackdown! and so, in celebration of the recognition bestowed by AMC, we are posting below a "Smackdown!" that Robert wrote just a day or two before the AMC announcement.


Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed (2008) -vs- The Passion of the Christ (2004)

The Passion of the Critic or the Critic of the Passion?

The Smackdown. A few years ago, as the story has been passed down to believers, a great prophet named Gibson proved that religion was not poison at the box office. Gibson begat Stein who walked in the sandals of Moore into the desert determined to prove that Gibson's Law would apply to Documentaries. Half-baked metaphors aside, clearly the King of all (movie) Kings is Mel Gibson's "The Passion Of The Christ." While this enormously successful film was as much a cultural and theological phenomena as a cinematic one, there's no question it struck a responsive chord with millions of Christians worldwide. Now, four years later, there is another movie that has deep religious undertones and a swirl of controversy surrounding it -- Ben Stein's "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed." Can prophet Stein match prophet Gibson when it comes to turning the Meek loose on the Earth? Will "Intelligence" trump "Passion?"

The Challenger. "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed"

"Expelled" follows Ben Stein as he seeks to determine whether religious-based Intelligent Design is a pseudo-science trying to undermine evolutionary biology or whether it is legitimate science being suppressed by a scientific establishment that is hostile to any deviation from the status quo. Good question, but as they say in Hollywood, it's all about the execution. Stein is a former White House speechwriter under the Nixon Administration, probably better known for his droll wit on "Win Ben Stein's Money." First-time director Nathan Frankowski works with two neophyte screenwriters with only one previous credit between them, Kevin Miller and Walt Rulof, and, of course, Stein as the religious right Michael Moore. Maybe the film should have been called "No Experience Allowed." Anyway, there are a few head-scratchers in this film, probably topped out by the time Stein and his camera crew visit Hitler's concentration camps and ill-advisedly correlate Darwinism to Fascism and Nazi Germany. As long as I'm giving advice on film marketing, maybe they could try "Stein Kampf" for the DVD release. Give Herr Stein credit, he certainly doesn't pull any punches when it comes to being vitriolic -- even the most stalwart Bible-belt Baptist may find this analogy harder to swallow than Jonah.

The Defending Champion. "The Passion of the Christ"

Remember the old Spaghetti Westerns of the 1960s? Mel Gibson certainly does, based on this religious opus which could have been titled "A Fistful of Floggings." (Note to Distributors: My re-titling services are available at a reasonable fee.) As the lead, James Caviezel certainly has the right physical look and the emotional intensity to take on a seemingly never-ending series of horrific flailings and beatings. This is a hard film to watch, seeing anybody (but especially Jesus) endure this kind of on-screen cruelty. Still, there is no dispute that it made "The Passion Of The Christ" a powerful movie-going experience for millions and millions worldwide. This, despite a screenplay by Benedict Fitzgerald and Mel Gibson himself that arguably has no plot, no plot points and no character arcs. As a result, there's not all that much you can hang your shroud on. Still, there's no denying that "Passion" succeeded despite a bevy of filmmaking flaws -- sometimes such details as cheesy sets, a cartoon-like moon in the opening scene (think a Basil Rathbone film) and Jesus sporting a silver filling on his right molar simply don't matter. Talk about a "miracle."

The Scorecard. When it comes to commercial success and box office results, the scorecard is not yet determined, although betting on Mr. Ed to win the Kentucky Derby would have better odds than to believe "Expelled" will come anywhere close to approaching the numbers run up by "Passion." Both films, at least in this reviewer's opinion, are flawed due to a wide variety of production issues that, quite frankly, are more than appalling.

Having said this, "Expelled" certainly goes beyond being bold in presenting its case on behalf of Intelligent Design. In addition, the film has a far more complex subject matter so it deserves extra consideration.

The climax of "Expelled," for example, features Stein going head-to-head with Richard Dawkins, a renowned atheist and author. It really doesn't matter which side you're on, both of these guys are undeniably intelligent, and it raises issues. By the way, this film doesn't spend that much time focused on the details of the debate between evolutionists and creationists. Instead it really focuses on the key thesis that the debate itself and its Intelligent Design proponents have been ignored or pushed out of classrooms and academia. In a country that still believes in the First Amendment, this is at least something worth thinking about, even if you think the other side has their head in an anatomically incorrect place.

The Decision. "The Passion Of The Christ" had as much "passion" as the average Ron Jeremy flick. Never once did I get the feeling that Caviezel's Jesus was someone special or divinely spiritual -- his flashback scenes with his disciples and followers yielded nothing beyond a perfunctory delivery of the screenplay's rudimentary dialogue. Heck, I've been to Tupperware parties where the speaker held my interest better. On the other hand, "Expelled" feels like such a total mess that it's clear that the arguments for Intelligent Design are way beyond the capability of being articulated by Ben Stein and his gang of religious bullies. Maybe Alan Shore could do the trick. Until then, the only "intgelligent design" I know of comes from Ron Popeil and his creations at Ronco.

The winner, by a landslide, is Melodrama Mel and "The Passion Of The Christ."

Other Smackdowns! by Robert A. Nowotny include "The Mist" (2007) vs. "The Fog" (1980) and "The Bucket List" (2007) vs. "Bubba Ho-Tep" (2002).