Friday, November 27, 2009


Yesterday's 83rd Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was longer and more boring than a Southern Baptist Convention. Listed below are a half-dozen observations the Staff at Needtovent felt compelled to pass along...

1. Milton DeLugg was credited as the Musical Director for this event. Born in 1918, Mr. DeLugg is still going strong at the age of 91. We remember him best for his work on both Johnny Carson's TONIGHT SHOW and, later, Chuck Barris' THE GONG SHOW. Needtovent hereby salutes Mr. DeLugg whose musical interludes between singers and marching bands was a highlight of this year's parade.

2. The most insipid, pathetic and annoying singing performance out of literally dozens must go to Mitch Musso, the Hanna Montana co-star, whose rendition of "Shout It Out" was literally projectile-vomit inducing. We can only hope that his fate mirrors another Musso of sorts, that being Benito Mussolini, shown above with his mistress, Clara Petacci. We've already bought the rope...

3. Macy's distinctive Red Star logo was displayed on more banners and vehicles than you'll see at any May Day Parade at the Kremlin.

4. We did find one commercial to be especially enlightening. Without doubt, Needtovent is firmly convinced that any toy manufactured by Fisher-Price is beyond banal. If you want to provide your child with even a modicum of intellectual stimulation, we strongly suggest that you do not purchase anything from this company -- their entire toy line is hebetudiness-inducing for even prenatal children.

5. Among all of the big, inflatable balloons, only one got us thinking: If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? So much for intellectual stimulation...

6. And, finally, thank God for the Rockettes. Their gams were a Hell of a lot more fun to watch than any of the NFL's Thanksgiving Day games.

Until next year...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

PONTIAC SILVERDOME -- The Deal Of The Century?

Yesterday the Pontiac Silverdome was sold at auction. When completed in 1975, at a cost of $55.7 million (the equivalent of around $70 million today), it was the largest stadium in the National Football League, with seating for 80,368 loyal Detroit Lions fans. And every seat was indoor thanks to the 10-acre Teflon coated fiberglass roof supported by no less that 1,700 tons of structural steel.

The selling price: $583,000.

That's not a typo. The selling price was a mere Five Hundred Eighty Three Thousand Dollars.

This amount is virtually the same as the asking price for the luxury high-rise condominium I was recently looking at in downtown San Antonio. I was told that this was a bargain the likes of which I would never, ever see again.

When I broached my semi-trusty Century 21 agent about the purchase price of the Silverdome he found the news so shocking it turned his sports coat a hideous yellow vomit color. Oh wait, it was already that way. But, now his face was just a half-shade off to match his jacket.

Just for fun, let's make some simple comparisons -----

Square Footage:
Silverdome -- 430,000/sf
Luxury Condo -- 2,150/sf

Price Per Square Foot:
Silverdome -- $1.36/sf
Luxury Condo -- $271.00/sf

Silverdome -- 1,240 Luxury Suites
Luxury Condo -- 1 Master/1 minuscule Guest Bedroom


Silverdome -- 1 Full Service Epicurean Restaurant supplemented by 42 Concession Stands
Luxury Condo -- 1 average-sized kitchen -- with built-in disposal, trash compacter and granite counter tops. Yipeee...

Parking Places:

Silverdome -- 12,464 on-site, with another 8,700 off-site
Luxury Condo -- 2

Oh yes, the purchase of the Silverdome includes 132 acres of land. The Luxury Condo does not include any land whatsoever.

To be totally fair, my refrigerator now sports a Century 21 Refrigerator Magnet -- a gift given to me even though I have not made a purchase. I also have a Century 21 Key Chain. How can they afford such largesse?

All kidding aside, there obviously is no comparison. But is bigger really better?

Just ask any woman...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Who says academia is boring?

Needtovent is excited about a whole new branch of science which has recently captured the spotlight of America's foremost network and cable channels. Usually such scientific endeavors are relegated to smaller media outlets such as the Discovery Channel or My Weekly Reader, but Palintology is making headlines everywhere. In fact, one can now take a course in this new field thanks to it's matriarch -- one Sara Palin, who, like Darwin, lends her name to this fascinating discipline.

As defined by the editors of the Science Christian Merrimack, Palintology is the vivisection of old fossils, especially those pertaining to the brief McCain Era.

Being such a new field of study, there is currently only one practitioner, Ms. Palin herself, seen above just prior to holding class at Wasilla High.

In closing, we cannot help but wonder what the yardstick is all about. Even our most dreaded nun, Mother Superior Vader, confined herself to a 12" ruler...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

THE IRONDALE CAFE -- The Worst Meal Ever???

Over the past sixty-plus years I have visited every state in the union and thirty-seven foreign countries. As a result, I have eaten at literally thousands of eateries -- ranging from among the fanciest and most expensive to some of the smallest dives well off the beaten track. Most of the time the food is pretty good, but there have been a number of regrettable meals which remain seared in my memory.

For example, there's the Peking Duck I was served at a restaurant in Beijing that was so fatty I named the poor bird "Arbuckle." If nothing else, this culinary experience made me realize that if reincarnation is true, I absolutely, positively do not want to come back as a liposuction machine.

I also remember a pu pu platter served in Austin that was so shockingly awful, it almost killed a Needtovent staffer. It was worse than poo-poo, that's for sure.

The same holds true for any number of "mixed grill" offerings served while attending the Varna International Film Festival in Bulgaria. Even Alfred Packer wouldn't have been able to digest the various meats which comprised this ubiquitous entree during Todor Zhivkov's reign as President of that impoverished country.

And, of course, there is the Olive Garden -- but I'll discuss that topic at another time.

Which brings me to the Irondale Cafe located just outside the city limits of Birmingham, Alabama. Originally a hot dog stand, which later added hamburgers, barbecue and a variety of sandwiches to the menu, the business was purchased by Miss Bess Fotenberry in 1932, and shortly thereafter the Irondale Cafe (aka the original Whistle Stop) became well-known for its signature dish -- fried green tomatoes.

As it turns out, Bess Fotenberry's niece is Fannie Flagg and her book featuring the restaurant became a best seller. And in January, 1992, the movie version of FRIED GREEN TOMATOES premiered at the Cobb Galleria Theatre in Birmingham. The place became an over-night sensation and tourists from around the world flocked to this small eatery, with most ordering fried green tomatoes. After all, why not? Even the local newspaper ran an article with the headline: "Seen the movie? Now taste the title."

So far, so good.

Which brings me to the evening of November 7, 2010, when yours truly, accompanied by the same Needtovent staffer who barely survived the dreaded pu pu platter, decided to eat at what some consider to be an American icon. Icon my ass, what "icon" tell you is that this was among the worst meals either of us have ever experienced.

I'll be brief -- the breading on my catfish was muculent -- there's simply no other way to describe what was on the plate. As for the celebrated fried green tomatoes -- they were soggy and the only taste associated with them came from the oil used. Even the dinner rolls were terrible -- being greasier than a Puerto Rican's pillow.

To be totally fair, the service, such as it existed, was adequate.

Maybe this wasn't the single worst meal I have ever experienced. Then again, maybe it was. But what I can say for certain is that you must not be mislead by the dozens of testimonials appearing on the Irondale Cafe's website -- they constitute the largest collection of fiction this side of Oxford University.