Saturday, December 12, 2009


Let's start with the ridiculous --

Earl Woods, Tiger's dad, once said: "He's qualified through his ethnicity to accomplish miracles. He's the bridge between the East and the West. There is no limit because he has the guidance. I don't know yet exactly what form this will take -- but he is the Chosen One."

"The Chosen One?" -- How pretentious is that? You won't even find something this magniloquent or ostentatious in a Tim Tebow press release.

Anyway, here's some of the latest on Tiger (minus the Euphrates) in case you have been under sedation for the last week or so...

1. Nothing, it seems, can satisfy the insatiable appetite of the celebrity media to find out more about Tiger Woods, and their reports had no trouble finding an audience. Traffic to the biggest websites jumped 50 percent or more. In fact, Yahoo, Inc. CEO Carol Bartz told an investor conference that the Woods story was "better than Michael Jackson dying" for bringing people to her site and helping Yahoo sell enough extra advertising to boost profits. Jeez, we didn't know the King of Pop died in vain...

2. The Mayor of Las Vegas predicted a similar boost for the local economy. With many of Woods' alleged lovers having links to Sin City, and with Woods well known in Vegas casinos and nightclubs, Mayor Oscar Goodman said all this publicity, "would provide a boost to the local economy even if people no longer believed that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Who can argue with the Mayor? Clearly what happens in Vegas stays in Rachel, Jaimee and Kalika.

3. Even other sports were affected by the Tiger sweepstakes saga. For example, a horse at Hollywood Park named Driveliketiger finished third in a recent race. The horse apparently did not hit anything along the way -- maybe Tiger should get a Jockey as a stocking stuffer this year.

The ultimate irony, of course, is that Tiger Woods spent almost all of his entire life keeping score on the golf course. Now people everywhere are keeping score on him.

And the jokes continue...

What is Tiger's favorite Christmas Carol? "I'm dreaming of a White Mistress."

How does Tiger like his women? Just like his golf balls -- white, with dimples.

Tiger said the fault for his accident was his Escalade. That's oh-so typical of a golfer -- always blame the caddy!

Will there be more to come? As Sarah Palin would say, "You betcha!"

Wednesday, December 02, 2009


(The small image size of the above photo is in direct correlation to the reduced image Tiger now possesses worldwide)

Just minutes after posting our TIGER WOODS -- Mulligan Stew article a Reuters carrier pigeon arrived at Needtovent's office complex delivering a published statement by the grating golfing great which read, in part, "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all my heart...(but) personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions."


Seems to us that Mr. Clean could at least man-up and call a spade a spade (for lack of a better adage).

Alas, Tiger does appear to be drinking his Kool-Aid. And to think, this statement was made mere minutes after our posting which is read worldwide. A coincidence? We think not.

As a Special Bonus to Needtovent readers, here's a picture of this year's Christmas Card photo of Elin and Tiger:

Additional developments include:

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin, is reportedly being paid a hefty seven-figure amount to stay with her husband, according the Chicago Sun-Times. The money is being transferred into an account she controls.

Additionally, Elin has demanded and will get a rewrite on the couple's prenuptial agreement. Originally, the agreement said the couple needed to remain married for 10 years in order for her to collect a divorce settlement of $20 million. Under the rewritten agreement, the time frame has been shortened and the dollar amount increased "substantially."

The couple has also begun marriage counseling at their Florida home.

Two final observations:

*** I guess the PGA really stands for the Pussy Galore Association -- now I know why men work so hard to get a Tour Card.

*** Kobe Bryant got off easy.

TIGER WOODS -- Mulligan Stew

There hasn't been too much to laugh about since Dick Cheney peppered the face of his hunting buddy with a Browning 12 Gauge -- until now.

From the very moment Tiger Woods' bumbling Triple-Bogeyman bumper car excursion was first reported, the Staff at Needtovent began to cachinnate and high-five with the fervor of Nurse Ratched's loonies off their meds. Apparently the same crack (pun intended) "damage control" public relations firm that handled the Exxon Valdez disaster is calling the shots in what The Sunday Times referred to as "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant." As a result, poor Tiger's Tale will have legs, as they, say, for months to come.

"What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards."

Several specific observations:

Boy, are we glad we don't live in the Sunshine State. Is it just us, or does Florida Highway Patrol's Major Cindy Williams, shown here at the press conference declaring that Mr. Woods will only be charged with a simple traffic citation, lack even a modicum of constabulary professionalism? Tiger has said he is embarrassed by his actions. Shouldn't law enforcement officials and Smoky Bear be embarrassed also?

"What was Tiger and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning?
They were clubbing."

One fascinating facet of this whole affair is that Tiger's neighbors, whose tree he hit, is the Adams Family. Needtovent is presently pursuing an exclusive interview with Gomez and his wife Morticia who were the first on the scene of the accident not carrying a 9-iron. Yes, we know what people say about the Adams family: "They're creepy and they're kooky. Mysterious and spooky. They're all together ooky." We are not sure about the ooky part, but what the Hell...

"Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron."

Finally, we couldn't help but end this posting with a photo of Rachel Uchitel, the first of what could be many prime-time concubines. We told you this story had legs, and this proves it...