Monday, August 31, 2009

Texas A&M Football Preview

It's that wonderful time of year again -- college football predictions are appearing everywhere, but for Longhorn fans it doesn't get much better than this -----

2009 Texas A&M Football Preview: State of The Union

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 27th, 2009 at

Forward, March, Hut, Two, Three, Four!

Aggie football players are a lot like the Aggie Corps of Cadets.

Some of them are the real thing and deserve your respect, but most play dress up for four years pretending to be something they’re not and end up selling insurance in Tomball.

Witness the perfect illustration of my point. West Point. While A&M’s football team struggled to a 21-17 victory against an Army team that lost by 18 to New Hampshire, the Corps struggled to bond with the men whose pajamas they wear at night:

corps turd: Howdy, fellow comrade-in-arms! Let’s clasp forearms in the time-honored tradition of the warrior and speak of Yorktown, Inchon, and Normandy. Whoop!

West Point Cadet: Pleased to meet another soldier. We might run into each other after school. I’m in Afghanistan after I complete Ranger training. Where are you posted after graduation?

corps turd: Managing my Daddy’s feed store in Atascocita!

West Point Cadet: (stares with contempt) …..

corps turd: (feelings hurt) Hey, I’m Ol Army! Look at my medals! You don’t got hardly any, you New York asshole!

Of course, there are differences between A&M football and the corps. One group comprises athletes and the other spent most of their high school life dangling from a locker hook. But Sherman has been working hard on the recruiting trail to alleviate that...

The entire Staff at Needtovent wants to thank Larry Jefferson for bringing to our attention.

To read the rest of Scipio Tex's 2009 Aggie Preview go to:

Hook 'em!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

DISTRICT 9 -- Haiku Review

Soweto sci-fi
Harryhausen would be proud
Hollywood humbled

Thursday, August 13, 2009


When most people hear the words "the view" they naturally think of Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sherri Shepherd, Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Barbara Walters. Not me.

No dear readers, for me it's Jamais, Presque and Deja.

I would imagine that most of you have encountered dear Deja vu at one time or another. You know, the feeling that you have seen something before even though common sense says this is impossible. Those who claim to have been reincarnated say they experience this frequently. All I know is that I have encountered feelings of Deja vu even though I have serious doubts that I walked the earth prior to this life.

But it is Deja's sisters that are the most intriguing to me.

Presque vu is the term that describes the experience of almost remembering something. When this occurs people often say that what they are trying to think of is "on the tip of my tongue." As I get older, I'm getting to know Presque vu better and better.

Not to be left out of this posting is perhaps the most pesky vu of them all -- Jamais. If you have ever experienced the impression that you are seeing a situation for the very first time despite rationally knowing that you have been in that situation before, then you, too, have met Jamais. Common examples include not recalling how to spell a familiar word -- or -- reading a word you definitely recognize, but now find that you can't remember its meaning -- or -- getting briefly lost in a very familiar place -- or -- thinking a close friend or family member is a total stranger.

Doctors might call these various episodes (for lack of a better word) the result of Alzheimer's disease. A nasty word -- Alzheimer -- and one that could get you confined to a dreaded nursing home, or worse. (Remember, cranky old Alois Alzheimer was a German neuropathologist -- need I say more?)

Accordingly, I herby declare to one and all that any future brain fart on my part is simply the result of a visit by one of the vus, be it Jamais, Presque or Deja.

(Yes, I am openly and defiantly gray!))

Thursday, August 06, 2009

PRIUS -- Japanese for Pretentious?

Years ago I started collecting airsick bags from Eastern European airlines. Why, I don't know. But those little retch receptacles from flagship carriers like Balkan Air (now Bulgaria Air), CSA (Czech Airlines), Malev (the national airline of Hungary), LOT Polish Airlines and Tarom (Romania's largest) sure come in handy whenever the latest round of Prius television commercials invade the Nowotny living room. And invade they do -- like the Battle of Guadalcanal, these sanctimonious, saccharine little Nippers come at you at least five times every hour. I'd rather be water boarded.

From the absolutely vapid vocals of "Let The Love Flow" (originally a Bellamy Brothers tune sung here by some sparrow of a songstress named Petra Haden) to the Technicolor pap smear visualizations of imbecilic flower people adorned with costumes so cheezy no self-respecting first-grader would even consider wearing one to a school recital, this series of agonizingly annoying ads have to be the most nauseating, the most vainglorious, the most projectile-vomit inducing television commercials of the new millennium. It's pretentiousness personified, pandemic pabulum for the pious.

And speaking of pious, wasn't that the name of the hybrid in "Smug Alert" -- SOUTH PARK Episode 141? I think it was.

While the car may be a worthy engineering effort, this series of ads hyping the 3rd Generation Toyota Prius from the Land of the Rising Sun must be annihilated. I say it's time for another Fat Man or Little Boy. Or how about asking Toho Studios to unleash their Nipon Nightmare? I'd like nothing more than to see the hallucinagenic horde of freakish flower folks squashed to death, reduced to nothing more than Godzilla toe jam...