Need to Vent! — Movie Reviews with a Twist
Previous reviews include:
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST — about as much “passion” as the average Ron Jeremy flick.
THE AVIATOR — more polished than Barbie Benton's bannister.
DESPERADO — serves up a batch of disappointing carnage asada.
DEADLIEST CATCH (TV) — brave men fighting seas more swollen than Renee Zellweger's face after a bee sting.
See these and many more at Need to Vent!
Monday, November 28, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
REDFORD'S RETCHING RESIDUALS
As all six of my loyal readers know, I have a tendency to "vent" about a wide variety of things -- especially things that are ill-conceived and pretentious. That's why, in my mind at least, WHAT DREAMS MAY COME remains Hollywood's most detestable motion picture ever and that's why United has resurrected itself once again to being my all-time most despised airline.
First there is the issue of service -- even Aero Peru beats them out by a wide margin. As for on-time performance -- I'd rather fly Balkan Air. And, of course, there is DIA. If one is looking for Hell on Earth, then one need go no farther than to fly into or out of DIA. Thank you, United, for fostering that abominable nightmare onto the traveling public. I tell you this, if Rosa Parks had been on a United plane instead of a city bus, there still wouldn't be a civil rights movement in this country.
And now the ultimate affront -- a series of new animated TV commercials that are so sappy the entire state of Vermont must be jealous. They are known as "Rose", "Lightbulb", "Interview" and "A Life". Compounding the cloying storylines that are so trite even Barney would be embarrassed is the fact that all four are agonizingly augmented by the annoying strains of "Rhapsody in Blue" and the "my career is surely in the toilet" voice-over narration by Robert Redford.
Want to torture Al Qaeda? Or Aljazeera? Or Al Franken? Simple, just make them watch these commercials and uncontrollable, gut-wrenching spasms will follow. No wonder United Airlines has air sick bags...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES
"Wandering aound our America has changed me more than I thought. I am not me any more. At least I'm not the same me I was." -- Ernesto Guevara de la Serna
Welcome to EASY RIDER SOUTH.
The year is 1952. Two young men embark on a journey of discovery; it is a journey of over 10,000 miles -- from Argentina to Chile to Peru and beyond. Adapted from books written by both participants, Ernesto 'Che' Guevara and Alberto Granado, THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES is a beautifully photographed film with excellent production values throughout. Winner of the Oscar for Best Original Song and nominated for Best Screenplay Based On Material Previously Published or Produced, DIARIES went on to garner 24 other international awards and received an additional 34 major international award nominations. Clearly this is a film worthy of your time and mine.
In the final analysis, however, the film fails to fully explain the future revolutionary success of Che Guevara and for that I feel a bit disappointed. Historically, there is no disputing this man's passion or his brilliance, but the waters of Lake Titicaca are far clearer than the character arc developed by Director Walter Salles. This is a shame -- THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES could have been even better...
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
THE RACONTEUR RAMBLER -- Be Prepared To NASH Your Teeth
Today I pay a backhand tribute to the Nash Rambler, surely one of the least revered cars of the 1950's and 1960's. I do this because this "raconteur rambler" has decided to post a variety of thoughts that are most likely as ill-conceived as anything ever designed by American Motors.
-- What on earth were Wal-Mart, Target and a variety of other major retailers thinking when they decided to avoid the words "Merry Christmas" during this Holiday Season? Are they crazy? This is unbelievable, it is asinine and I predict it will be negatively felt at the cash register this December. What a downright stupid decision -- and this from someone who doesn't believe Jesus Christ is his savior any more than Neville Chamberlain...
-- Every day I tune in for at least a few minutes to both CNN and Fox News. I do so in the pathetic hope that we have finally captured Osama Bin Laden. I should know better; we were never even able to catch Pancho Villa...
-- A question recently asked by a comedian: What does a beaver have between her legs? I don't profess to know the answer, but I bet it is the same thing Hillary and Condoleeza have and I bet it isn't pink on the inside...
-- Another question: What happened to Aaron Brown? He was one of the very few broadcast journalists that I actually liked...
-- As for global warming, I don't profess to know the truth. I do believe that the earth goes through periodic climatic changes and I also believe that our collective emmissions may be having an effect. I'm glad I don't have any children so this issue between Big Bucks and Little Buckaroos is of diminished consequences to me. As a result, I can concentrate on other important mysteries of the universe like the Curse of the Goat at Wrigley...
-- I see where Michael Jackson is now in Bahrain. I must assume that the Boston Arch Diocese didn't have an opening...
Friday, November 04, 2005
In the not-what-you-think-department, this photo is actually Valerie Plame and her recent reaction to hearing the name "Scooter" Libby for the umpteenth time in the past few weeks.
Last night I screamed also as I made a horrible mistake and channel surfed what can only be called "PSYCHO TV" -- no, I'm not referring to the classic film directed by Alfred Hitchcock, but rather ninety or so minutes of prime time cable news. Now that, my friends, is something truly scary and psychotic. Much of the coverage was about that little twerp named "Scooter" who -- and I'm not kidding here -- is limping along on crutches for God's sake. They say he has an injured ankle; I guess that's what happens when you put your damn foot in your mouth. "Scooter" my ass...
And speaking of twerps, how about that fella named Alan Colmes? Try watching SOUTH PARK sometime and see if he isn't a dead ringer for Mr. Mackey -- O.K.? Talk about the all-time "News Eunich". Pitted against blowhard Hannity, this lame excuse of a reporter is more overmatched than Poland in 1938.
Hey, I'm only getting started.
On another channel we are subjected to Anderson Cooper -- a "Drug Store" honkey if ever there was one. In case you are unfamiliar with this term, let me give a few examples: Kobe Bryant and Archie Bell and his damn Drells -- these represent the poster children for "Drug Store" niggers. Or Paul Reubenfeld (aka Pee-Wee Herman) -- a "Drug Store" kike with a circumcision problem. Like pooper-scooper Cooper they, too, are total sell-outs. See what I mean? (Let me add that living in the Texas Hill Country I'm literally surrounded by "Drug Store" cowboys -- it ain't a pretty sight).
Last, but by no means least, I now turn to what may be the most nightmarish of them all -- Greta Van Sustern, the on-camera hag whose face brings a new perspective to "Fair and Balanced." May all stroke victims take heart. One thing I will say about Greta, however, is that she sure likes to stick with a story regardless of its merits. I am referring to her nightly, incessant, continuous coverage of Natalee Holloway, the perky party girl who went to Aruba and got exactly what she wanted (except for the killing, perhaps).
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
BOSTON LEGAL -- A Guilty Pleasure...
Last night's episode of BOSTON LEGAL was perhaps the most thought-provoking and the most entertaining in the remarkable two-year history of what I believe is the single best hour on American television.
The primary storyline in "Witches of Mass Destruction" targeted the War in Iraq with a poignant plea for the citizens of this nation to abandon the entrenched polar positions of both political parties and encouraged, instead, a healthy dialogue aimed at both reason and understanding. Of course, leave it to pompous Denny Crane (portrayed by the irrepressible William Shatner) to say it best: "We Republicans never waiver -- no matter how wrong we are!" At the same time, erudite and arrogant Alan Shore (played by the brilliant James Spader) openly admits to being a flip-flopper in the past but whose mindset is now just as entrenched, albeit on the opposite side of this divisive issue.
What's truly amazing is that these two over-the-top, outrageous fictional characters are able to so eloquently express themselves and their points of view with passion, with clarity and within a matter of mere minutes. If only windbags like Rush-a-Dope Limbaugh and I'm-Not-Yet-Dead-Ted Kennedy could do the same.
Credit Creator/Writer David E. Kelly; when he is on his game no one is better. In BOSTON LEGAL Mr. Kelly has consistently delivered a prime time show that puts all others to shame. Clearly no TV drama is better cast, especially now with the addition of Candice Bergen as one of the firm's partners, Shirley Schmidt. The production values are top notch all the way around and the editing is as crisp as the bacon at the Stage Door Deli. Simply put: BOSTON LEGAL is "must-see TV."
Alas, I wish I could say the same for COMMANDER IN CHIEF, the Geena Davis as President program that serves as the lead-in for BOSTON LEGAL. Some have said this show is designed to help pave the way for a woman presidential candidate in 2008. Well, Hillary and Condoleeza and whoever else better hope the writing improves and the show begins to reach its potential, because right now my only sustaining realization, especially since the most recent episode, is that Big Lips Sink Ships...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
HOLY CARNAUBA -- Bring Out The Drop Cloth...
Ten minutes into HOUSE OF WAX Paris Hilton's character reveals that she is late for her period. By the time we have any action whatsoever she could have easily given birth. Talk about a s-l-o-w start to a movie -- watching the first half of this film is like being subjected to Chinese Water Torture. Drip...drip...drip...
This HOUSE OF WAX is the seventy-eighth remake of 2005. Like 99% of the others, it doesn't hold a candle to any of the earlier versions. In fact, the 1953 edition starring Vincent Price, Frank Lovejoy and Phyllis Kirk was a true classic. Not only was it the very first 3D motion picture produced by a major studio, many believe that it represents Mr. Price's best screen performance.
The best that the Warner Bros. marketing department could come up for this effort was: "On May 6th...See Paris Die!" That's tepid endorsement, indeed. But here's the real killer (and I don't mean the twin waxaholics played by Brian Van Holt) --- there's NO TITTIES! What in hell was First-Time Director Jaume Collet-Serra thinking? Doesn't he know one of the most important must haves within the guts and gore genre is to show a boob or two? For shame...
Elisha Cuthbert's performance as Carly Jones is the best thing in the movie and the ending scenes almost wax poetic. That's too little and too late. Like an alter boy within the Boston diocese, this is one candlelight service you best stay away from.