REDFORD'S RETCHING RESIDUALS

As all six of my loyal readers know, I have a tendency to "vent" about a wide variety of things -- especially things that are ill-conceived and pretentious. That's why, in my mind at least, WHAT DREAMS MAY COME remains Hollywood's most detestable motion picture ever and that's why United has resurrected itself once again to being my all-time most despised airline.

First there is the issue of service -- even Aero Peru beats them out by a wide margin. As for on-time performance -- I'd rather fly Balkan Air. And, of course, there is DIA. If one is looking for Hell on Earth, then one need go no farther than to fly into or out of DIA. Thank you, United, for fostering that abominable nightmare onto the traveling public. I tell you this, if Rosa Parks had been on a United plane instead of a city bus, there still wouldn't be a civil rights movement in this country.

And now the ultimate affront -- a series of new animated TV commercials that are so sappy the entire state of Vermont must be jealous. They are known as "Rose", "Lightbulb", "Interview" and "A Life". Compounding the cloying storylines that are so trite even Barney would be embarrassed is the fact that all four are agonizingly augmented by the annoying strains of "Rhapsody in Blue" and the "my career is surely in the toilet" voice-over narration by Robert Redford.

Want to torture Al Qaeda? Or Aljazeera? Or Al Franken? Simple, just make them watch these commercials and uncontrollable, gut-wrenching spasms will follow. No wonder United Airlines has air sick bags...