Tuesday, February 21, 2006


To say that our "BIGGEST LOSER" contest was an unqualified success goes without saying. Giddy palpitations were in evidence as the judges stared at the atomic-driven Timex here at Needtovent's Intergalactic World Headquarters, each in his own way counting the waning seconds as they inevitably marched in syncopation toward the midnight hour. The scene was eerily reminiscent of the main bunker at the Trinity Site near Alamogordo on July, 16, 1945.

With the dawn of a new day the esteemed judging panel began to ponder each of the entries. Heated debate emanated from the cloistered contest command center. Coffee was spilt. Chaos ran amuck. Calm finally prevailed.

Without further ado, THE WINNER IS:

"larry o.j."

Yes, the heartwrenching story of Frank Lucchesi struck a responsive chord among virtually all of the judges. Only Jeff Gillooly appeared unmoved, at least initially. When reminded of his own escapade regarding a to-be-unnamed-horseface-figure-skater Gillooly broke down, reached for his Louisville Slugger and acquiesced. The verdict was finally unanimous.

The GRAND PRIZE OF INDETERMINATE VALUE is now headed towards Big D (that's Dallas, Texas Darren) where larry o.j. resides. Congratulations Larry.

(The photo above is not from a scene in the upcoming feature film BROKEBACK BALL DIAMOND. Taken in 1993, during the Texas Rangers alumni game, it is apparent that even after sixteen long years Frank Lucchesi had no interest in making up with Lenny Randle.)


At 1:56 PM, Blogger larry o.j. said...

Gosh, on behalf of my english teachers who taught me never to leave my participles dangling, to my coaches who told me to shut up and sit on the bench, this is truly a humbling experience.

This ranks right up with other shining moments (cue Jim Nantz) such as: a) winning a Kodak Instamatic Camera (retail price $9.99)for winning the Blackout Bingo Game at Tyler Jr College, b) Taking 2nd-Place at the Baptist Regional Speech Contest - there was just one other guy in my age group.

I'd also like to thank Needtovent's IWH for their continued support as I'm sure I'll be asking for their financial sponsorship as I move into the writing world.

And my last of many confused, rambling thoughts: The one thing I will ALWAYS remember from this competition - I BEAT ONE FRIGGIN' PERSON - and he had the guts to go first.

At 4:02 PM, Anonymous mrn said...

i'm calling for a fucking investigation....surely the democrates or republicans will mount a blue ribbon panel....on second thought, maybe they'll just mount each other....oh well, the only consolation is my losing streak is till intact....mrn

At 4:03 PM, Anonymous mrn said...

and i still can't type....mrn

At 9:31 AM, Anonymous Needtovent Contest Headquarters said...


There must surely be a lexicographer lurking within.

Your newly coined word "democrate" perfectly describes the preferred sturdy wooden containers liberal politicians stand on while stumping across the USA.

Not to be confused, of course, with "republiccans", these being the large metal barrels conservative politicos use when they stump across this great land of ours. Republiccans are often simply oil barrels, a plentiful commodity easily acquired from top party leaders.

At 9:55 AM, Anonymous mrn said...

i've identified the real culprit here....i don't proofreasd....mrn

At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Mr. Darren said...

I demand a recount! I see some chads hanging!! Oop...wait...those aren't CHADS hanging...

Brokeback indeed.

Congratulations, Larry!


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