AMERICA'S NEWEST ROLL MODELS!

As a young lad growing up in the Texas Hill Country berg of New Braunfels I recall experiencing a seemingly never-ending series of "lusts". Boy-oh-boy, was this ever a confusing and difficult time -- how I made it to college without having gone blind I'll never know.

By far the most enduring and intense lust of all was directed for months on end toward Annette Funicello. She was clearly the hottest of the "Mouseketeers" -- that doll-like face, the striking raven-black hair, the protruding sweater -- no doubt about it, Annette was the girl of my dreams. Literally......

You see, for three consecutive nights I dreamt that Annette was going to move in next door to my house and we would thus become far more than simple "friends." Yes, indeedy -- and it certainly did not help having once been told that if you ever have the same recurring dream three nights in a row that was unmistakable proof that the dream would definitely come true.

I hesitate to count the number of times I ran to the window after hearing a truck stop somewhere on Willow Avenue fully believing that it would be a Mayflower moving van delivering to me the girl of my most cherished dreams. Alas, days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. I dare say this Pavlovian Response endured for damn near a full year.

"Your dreams will come through." Yea, right, and any dumb schmuck can become President of these semi-United States.

I should have known better -- nothing exciting ever happens in New Braunfels, Texas. Nothing...

What made things easier was my discovery of a totally different kind of female. Thanks to the wonderful world of ROLLER DERBY, my family's Black & White Philco once a week became a conduit for new, intense desires thanks to two decidedly sinful and more experienced gals -- the Amazon-like "Blonde Bomber," Joanie Weston -- and the sleeker, snaky Ann Calvello. May God help me. May the WONDERFUL WORLD OF ROLLER DERBY long prevail over the WIMPY WORLD OF DISNEY.

Whereas my desire to be with Annette was a puppy love in the purest and most honorable sense, ROLLER DERBY introduced me to a different kind of longing, one that was both quite confusing and quite intense. And for that "enlightenment" I continue to this day feeling thankful that I saw on the boob tube Ms. Weston and Ms. Calvello as they wickedly dueled one another for their respective teams -- the Bay Area Bombers and the Midwest Pioneers.

For those of you still reading this I will now get to the point of these historical ramblings: Be advised that the likes of Joanie Weston and Ann Calvello are baaack! Yes, on Monday, January 2nd, A&E will premiere ROLLERGIRLS, and while the game has changed (there are no longer men on the teams -- who cares?), the basic premise has not. Starring some pretty nasty nubiles nicknamed Punky Bruiser, Miss Conduct, Venis Envy and Jailbait, among a bevy of others, I can once again longingly return to those enlightened days of yesteryear when I dreamt of becoming a jammer...