BAD NEWS BEVOS

Omaha? No, more like Ohmygod...

Thanks to ESPNU the entire staff at Needtovent.com was able to witness the Disch-Falk debacle last night in the comfort of our plush offices. It is fortunate that we weren't actually at the game as the stench emanating from the Longhorn dugout had to be unbearable.

Granted, Chance Ruffin pitched extremely well, but when it comes to the other players on the celebrated Longhorn roster, they collectively choked so often I recommend that we hire Dr. Henry Jay Heimlich to be an Assistant Coach. Forget the embarrassing 31-12 loss to Missouri, these Bad News Bevos would lose by a similar margin to the Taiwanese Little League Team.

It is probably unfair to do this, but we must single out the Texas shortstop (whose name will not be disclosed out of respect to his family). A simple, lazy pop fly requiring him to saunter only four or five steps to his right drops to the gound untouched. Yes, untouched -- he doesn't even get leather on the ball! Augie should take his glove back to Rooster Andrews; he'd undoubtedly get a full refund since it has apparently never been used.

And speaking of names, did you know the Longhorns have a catcher named Kawika? With a name like that shouldn't he be playing for Pat Summit in Knoxville? Even Choo Choo Coleman agrees.

Clearly the Bad News Bevos need help everywhere. Maybe Bevo Francis, who once scored a remarkable 116 points in a basketball game while playing for Rio Grande College, could provide a little offense. Yes, I'm talking apples vs. oranges here, i.e. basketball vs. baseball, but Augie's Anemic Army doesn't seem to know the difference.

Just think about it -- a two-legged Bevo who is actually capable of scoring...