NATION'S PRESIDENTIAL ASSASSINS STILL UNDECIDED
(Reprinted, in part, from an article appearing in the March 6, 2008, issue of THE ONION. We salute our colleagues at "America's Finest News Source" for reporting on this highly interesting, yet little-known aspect of "Presidential Politics.")
New York -- As evidenced by hundreds of newspaper clippings of various presidential candidates glued to his bedroom walls and ceiling, Vietnam veteran Dale Patrick Seaver, 52, is clearly an informed voter. But after watching over 50 debates, countless speeches, and nonstop campaign coverage "at all hours of the night," this presidential assassin has not yet decided who his choice will be in November.
"Usually I know well in advance who I want to win," the Bronx resident said while disassembling his M40 U.S. Marine Corps standard-issue sniper rifle. "But there are just too many good choices -- a black man, a woman, and a war hero who frequently advocates sending my brothers straight back into death's cold embrace."
"This would be so much easier if Senator John Edwards was still running," Seaver added. "He has such a nice smile and the angels told me through the radio that he must be destroyed."
According to a CBS News/New York Times poll, Seaver is not alone. Of the nearly 600 undecided assassins who responded to the poll, 37 percent said they strongly favor either Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) or Senator Barack Obama (D-IL). Nearly 23 percent reported that Senator John McCain (R-AZ) could be an excellent choice, while the remaining 40 percent responded that, due to the growing disillusionment with the voting system and unsatisfying platforms from all the frontrunners, they would be happy to shoot any one of the candidates through the chest and throat from an abandonded factory.
Here's how the candidates shape up among would-be killers:
HILLARY CLINTON ---
--- Could lead to beautiful and transcendent eulogy by Bill Clinton
--- Nation would not mourn
BARACK OBAMA ---
--- Might get shooter promoted to Grand Wizard
--- Would really impress GREY'S ANATOMY star Katherine Heigl
JOHN McCAIN ---
--- Slow, doddering target
--- Military experience would make him a worthy adversary
--- Already dead