THE NAME GAME

I'm sure that most of you will agree that a person's name can have a huge impact on his or her life, as well as those around them. What little boy named Jesse isn't going to be a trouble-maker? How many Heathers have you met that are ugly? In fact, a person's name can actually define them as well as their place in history. Take, for example, Machiavelli or Ebenezer Scrooge or Antoni Gaudi or Groucho Marx or General Ambrose Burnside or Madonna (not!). Anyway, with all due respect to Shirley Ellis, let's play "The Name Game" with the current crop of presidential frontrunners.


Hillary (No last name needed) -- All I can say is that I'm pretty sure every evil, wicked witch in every Nordic fairy tale is named Hillary. And that ain't a good thing...

Rudy Giuliani -- As the only candidate with a name that possesses rime couee I have to give him a point or two. But the spelling is all wrong; if only it were "Jewliani."

John McCain and John Edwards -- The two "Johns" help define the term "American Standard." The former lacks two fully articulating arms and mouth, the latter is too unpredictable should he ever experience a bad hair day. As the saying goes, it's now time for them to "get off the pot."


Mike Huckabee -- Is this an appropriate name for the leader of the free world? I don't know who's pulling his strings unless it is Buffalo Bob Smith. Hell, he might as well be named Howdy Doody.


Barack Obama -- Oh momma, could this name be any worse? Iraq Islama, maybe, but there's no way this guy will be elected in these here United States, Oprah notwithstanding.


Mitt Romney -- Here's the other follicle folly still running. It's obvious he doesn't know shit from Shinola (unless it is used to color his hair) and my biggest fear is that he would tab Slick Rick Perry to be his running mate. Anyway, getting back to his name -- Mitt? What kind of name is Mitt? I'm definitely all for America being MOR -- "Mitt out Romney."

Wait...

Just as things appear bleakest I look up and see a faint light at the end of the tunnel. It's only a flicker, a flicker of hope, but maybe, just maybe Ron Paul can take it all. Of all the candidates I like him the best. He doesn't flip-flop and he seems to actually have the country's best interests at heart (vs. his own). As it stands now, Ron Paul is my choice.

Besides, I really like his wife's fish sticks.