Thursday, April 12, 2007



We recently ran across a list of the "Top Ten Comedy One-Liners In Movie History." Perhaps not too surprising is the fact that two of the selected one-liners came from Peter Sellers:

"Gentlemen, you can't fight here -- this is the War Room!" President Merkin Muffley in DR. STRANGELOVE (1963)

"Do you have a license for your minkey?" Inspector Clouseau in THE RETURN OF THE PINK PANTHER (1975)

This got us to thinking...

and so the Staff of Needtovent is proud to announce a contest Henny Youngman would love. (His wife, too.)

We hereby invite all of our loyal readers to send in their favorite one-liner by clicking on the "Comments" link below. We will accept entries until midnight, Central Daylight Time, Saturday, May 5th -- that's Cinco de Mayo (aka Cinco de Mayonnaise for the Hellmann Family in Englewood Cliffs, NJ).

The winning entry will receive a panoply of prizes, including a specially selected gift from the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago worth approximately $364 (assembly required) and a damn near priceless bumper sticker from (the "Dangerously Informative" website located in Crested Butte, CO). Additional prizes, many of truly indeterminate value, will be announced in the days ahead.

This contest is open to anyone not associated with the mortgage banking industry since "it takes more training to become a hair dresser than it does to become a mortgage broker." (Quote from a unidentified guest on the Paula Zahn show).

I say this because I am personally looking for the most intelligent, humorous and/or insightful entries possible. Also be advised that the subject matter of the one-liner does not have to be associated with movies or television; any and all subjects and/or references except "nappy-headed hos" qualify. Hey, Imus draw the line least that's what my minkey said.

Let the fun begin!


At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Joe Vorsas Tyler, Texas said...

Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. (Mae West)
Anyone who hates kids and dogs can't be all bad (WC Fields)
Water...I don't drink water. Fish f--- in it. (WC Fields)
Badges?....We don't need no stinkin' badges (Treasure of the Sierra Madre)

At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Needtovent Headquarters said...


Congratulations, you have the honor of being the first contestant to enter. (There's definitely something to be said for breaking the ice...)

All four are great entries -- they remind us of one additional line from the wonderfully wicked Mae West: "I used to be Snow White...but I drifted."

If you think of any more in the days ahead, please feel free to enter them as well.

At 8:46 PM, Anonymous Mr. Asshole said...

I begin by referencing the master...

"Take my wife...please."

As quoted by the King himself. But rest assured, I have not begun to one line...

At 8:48 PM, Anonymous mr. asshole said...

"I am serious...AND DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY!!"

Leslie Nielsen in AIRPLANE...all parodies since have shit their pants trying to duplicate this movie's genius!!!!

At 8:49 PM, Blogger Milena said...

- A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

- I'm the lady who works at Paramount all day... and Fox all night (Mae West)

- The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty (Woody Allen)

At 8:51 PM, Anonymous mr. asshole said...

"Oh, I'm sorry...did I break your concentration?"

Samuel L. Jackson after fucking killing a mother fucker in mother fuckin' "Pulp Fuckin' Fiction".

At 8:53 PM, Anonymous mr. asshole said...

"In Hollywood, it's all about sincerity. And if you can fake that, you got it made."

George THAT is the SHIT!!!

At 8:55 PM, Anonymous mr. asshole said...

"Oh....oh shit..."

Mr. Asshole, after laughing at his own entries. THE WINNER!!!!

At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Needtovent Headquarters said...

Looks like the One-Liner Contest is off to a great start. Keep 'em coming...

A question: When God sneezes, what should one say?

At 5:24 PM, Anonymous mrn said...

answer to your question...."You bless you"....mrn

At 11:44 AM, Blogger WylieWayne said...

"I'll have what she's having" Olympia Dukakais in When Harry Met Sally

A classic

"Your gonna need a bigger boat" in Jaws
No kidding, like we couldn't tell

"Here's Johnny" from Jack Nicholson in The Shining [not near as funny unless you hear him say it] or his line in Few Good Men "You can't handle the truth" How true and we don't want it either

Then there is the other side going to Woody Allen in Annie Hall "Don't knock masturbation, it's with someone I love" Close your ears all!

Hey, come on we have those really deep ones such as, "Bond, James Bond", "I'll be back", "Hasta La Vista, Baby" and " What we have her e is a failure to communicate"

Now one of my favorites is Hannibal Lecter's line, "I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye." and finally, "There's no crying in baseball!", Tom Hanks, League of Their Own.

"I love the smell of Napalm in the morning" from Apocalypse Now

At 12:04 PM, Blogger WylieWayne said...

Let us not forget a few of the political ones

Ronald Reagan "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." and of course,

"Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries"

There are so many by George Sr hard to choose, but "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks."
and my favorite from the wordy Ted Kennedy was "They don't call me Tyrannosaurus Sex for nothing."

Guess I will stop there which hopefully will inspire others do dig up some humorous ones as well!

At 9:32 AM, Anonymous Needtovent Headquarters said...


Thanks for the recent entries. You have sent us several that we haven't heard before.

Keep 'em coming...

At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cinco de Mayonnaise mmmm


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