Need to Vent! — Movie Reviews with a Twist

TAQUERIA PATY

2011-07-24T09:28:00.006-05:00

Review by Jerry L. Nelson

A food revolution is sweeping the nation….in the form of a new version of meals on wheels. Now don’t confuse this with the charitable version, good thing that is. This is one being fostered by the food industry in the broadcasting world and a lot of chefs who apparently can’t get a gig in a regular restaurant….so they go out and create a restaurant on wheels….lots of “done over” Airstream trailers outfitted with restaurant quality kitchens instead of the sleeping and living areas and then gathered into one locale and serving up to the, often giddy, public, a variety of ethnic choices….My, what a wonderfully new idea….to this, I can only say balderdash.

Trust me on this, folks. We’ve had this idea around for years here in south central Texas….and I do mean years. The taco wagon has been a roadside fixture for longer than I care to think about at my age. I challenge you to travel the outlying roadways and non-major highways around any town or city of size and NOT see some enterprising soul trying to make a buck on the side of the road selling all manner of TEX-MEX delights from some form of kitchen on wheels. New idea?....crap salad…..but I digress.

Having grown up in the shadow of San Antonio and, even as a teenager, made the required pilgrimage to the border and sampled street food at three in the morning when all you could think about was solid food in your belly regardless of the absence of neighborhood dogs, nothing compares in taste, quality and plain ol’ goodness to finding your own personal roadside taqueria. Now you don’t have to agree with me on this, for I do want you to seek one out and make it your favorite, but I have serendipitously stumbled across one I feel is unmatched in the area of Canyon Lake….and there are several to choose from….Tacqueria Paty….with one “T”. Her real name is Patricia, but I asked one of her erstwhile assistants one day why the one “t” and was told Paty just liked the look of it….so….Taqueria Paty, just south of F.M. 306 on U. S. 281 in the parking lot of the Spring Branch Bowling Club, open Monday through Saturday from 6:30 a.m. till 1:30 p.m. Breakfast fare is the big rush, but at any time during those hours you will see a parking lot variety of pick ups filled with construction workers to Mercedes filled with tourists needing sustenance before a day of tubing.

No matter what your want, she and her head cook, Lupe, will crank out some of the greasiest, drippiest, tastiest tacos you could ever wrap your mouth around. The menu isn’t just limited to the ubiquitous breakfast taco either. You can find a selection that will rival any seated service restaurant, from crispy tacos to mini-tacos to tortas to combination offerings. Paty offers eight different kinds of meat tacos with picadillo being my personal favorite along with carne guisada (there’s a big difference between Guisada and Asada….I learned the hard way), plus Chicharron’s, Migas, Papas Rancheras, Machacado and more. Saturdays see Barbacoa by the pound and for Pete’s sake, when you’ve had too much cerveza the night before, Paty and Lupe offer up some of the best Menudo around. Oh, you can be a weenie and get the Gringo version of Tex Mex by ordering a bean and cheese or potato and egg taco, but until you have had her chorizo and egg with salsa verde, you haven’t lived. Some of her extras include guacamole and pico de gallo with more cilantro in it than I’ve ever seen served on one taco. Next time you find yourself tooling down 281 just south of F. M. 306 and you have a “hankerin” for the original “meals on wheels,” pull on over into the Spring Branch Bowling Club parking lot and check out Taqueria Paty. As she says….if you want an order to go, have a compliment or even a complaint, give her a call at 830-885-2034. Try her offerings and you won’t really care what they’re doing in the big city with their fancy Airstreams….Paty’s been doing it for years, simply and fantastically.

Taqueria Paty
281 North
1.6 miles south of F. M. 306

BELLA NAPOLI

2011-07-16T12:12:00.019-05:00

Review by Jerry L. Nelson

Just like a poltergeist, I’m baaaack! Where have I been, you have every right to ask. Well, it’s like this….I decided to quite being a lump on the couch and try and reverse sixty two years of abuse and damage in just a few short months….hired a trainer, went on a diet and lost fifty pounds (oh, I know right where they are if I ever need to fit into that XL wardrobe I now have in the closet), and have started running again. I only hope my new lifestyle with all the exercise will offset the effects of my passion for food and good wine….but I digress.

My first effort in my comeback was quite interesting and pleasantly surprising. The mantra of the real estate business has always been “location, location, location,” and you have to feel for the three previous tenants of this rather plain from the outside building on 281 North which now houses restaurant number four in just the last three or so years. The first attempt was just a pizza joint, the second tried to combine pizzas with an arcade for the young set, while the third effort was intended to be a steak house….all three failed in just a matter of months. So here comes number four, this time concentrating on pasta and a whole lot more, but offering pizza for those apparently few who just have to have their pepperoni fix once in a while.

Enter Chef Ray Memedovski and his lovely companion Michelle. Ray is Albanian who grew up in Macedonia. This is not the first time I have run across that combination in the Italian restaurant field….seems the Albanians must have a bit of an edge when it comes to cooking Italian. There is a history behind Ray and Michelle….seems Ray is Gino’s cousin….that would be Gino, owner of the Italian Garden in Hancock….in fact Ray and Gino, along with the lovely Michelle, opened Tuscany a while back, just down the road at the bridge. As in so many business opportunities with relatives, there are many rough sailings and then a divorce. But this has turned out to be a good thing because it gave Ray the chance to open up Bella Napoli and we reap the benefits of that.

I recently asked my Italian friend from Boston if he wanted to join me for an evening there. His immediate response was, “I can already tell what it will be like, ordinary, at best.” I reminded him that if we failed to go check it out, Bella Napoli would turn out to be that hidden gem and we would have overlooked it. He still wasn’t convinced but accompanied me just the same. His first reaction upon entering was “WOW”….what great decorating of the interior (thank you Michelle)….bright contrasting colors and even two smaller, separate dining areas for group functions, plus a soon to be operational wine and beer bar. One of those benefits right now, since he still doesn’t have a liquor license, is you can bring your own alcohol at no charge….not even a corkage fee. Needles to say, we were prepared for that eventuality and had not one but two bottles of grape juice with us. The wait staff is cheery and pleasant to look at. (Can’t believe it has taken me four paragraphs to get to the food….must be my new lifestyle….yuck.)

Understand, I have been there three times by now, along with guests, and we have all had something different each time. Let me not forget, my Italian friend was very apologetic to me and most impressed with Chef Ray’s offerings our first time there. It did turn out to be a very nice little “hidden gem.” At the top of my list would be the Veal Marsala, while one of my companions had the Veal Picatta. The veal should be a dish unto itself for it is some of the best restaurant veal I have ever been served….thin and fork tender, just a hint of crispness from being pan sautéed....and the Marsala sauce is simply outstanding. Include the mound of mushrooms served over all and you have one of the best entrees in this area. Ditto on the Picatta with capers. I’m not a fan of angel hair pasta for it is usually overcooked, something easy to do since it is so thin, but the accompanying angel hair was perfectly al dente.

On my second visit I had the Linguini and clams in white sauce….now don’t expect some kind of Alfredo sauce. This is called white sauce to differentiate it from a traditional red sauce. The white sauce is more of a clear broth made from the clam juices and some garlic….delicious. Bella Napoli offers the ubiquitous spaghetti and meat concoctions, but if you do have to have “spaget,” be sure to have the meat balls….some of the most tender you will ever slide over your lips. In my first visit with Italian friend, we shared an appetizer of muscles in wine and garlic broth….made two mistakes here: one...shouldn’t have shared….wanted them all for myself; second was asking for the muscles -- while they were certainly good and fresh (not frozen as a lot of restaurants serve), I should have just ordered a bowl of the wine and garlic broth for dipping with the homemade bread served up when we first were seated, or perhaps a straw would have been even better.

On my most recent visit with the child bride of over 43 years (yes, she was finally in town long enough to go somewhere with me), Ray came by our table and asked what she was hungry for. Her response was for him to make her whatever he wanted. The end result was the biggest plate of shrimp and chicken Tetrazinni I have ever seen served in the free world. I almost had to carry her out. The desserts do not disappoint either, as the Tiramisu is exceedingly fresh and Michelle makes occasional cakes from scratch. You have to roll the dice on that as she doesn’t have any formal schedule yet, but I have had her Red Velvet and her Italian Cream efforts and am looking forward to the next. Even the cannolis are quite tasty….would love to try Ray’s homemade filling if I could just convince him to make me some….maybe if I bought the ingredients?

I have only one real negative and one perceived one, but we all know perception is reality, so….In my first visit with Italian friend we also ordered the calamari appetizer. Unfortunately, we both found it to be very tough and chewy, something that happens from overcooking, but a minor disappointment considering all of the “little gems” we did discover. The perceived negative I can blame on my new lifestyle….Ray just serves too much food….and we wonder why we are fast becoming a nation of obese slobs, like I was for so long (Ok, no more soap box). I drive by Bella Napoli several times a week and have never failed to see cars in the parking lot. Maybe he has beaten the location curse of the past poltergeists because once you have been, YOU’LL be baaaack.

Bella Napoli
13140 Highway 281 North
Spring Branch, TX
830-228-4333
Open 7 days a week
Beginning at 11:00 a.m.

2011-04-21T09:00:00.016-05:00

“America's Number One Book when you are doing Number Two!”

What better way to start the day than with a chorizo and egg breakfast taco, a cup of steaming hot java and "THE BEST OF NeedToVent!" beside the old porcelain throne?

Over 300 pages of pithy, cutting-edge movie reviews, sports trivia and quirky observations concerning the human condition, "THE BEST OF NeedToVent!" is a must for anyone who needs a reason to smile before going to work -- or to bed. No chapter is longer than five pages -- most are only one or two -- making this a very easy book to pick up and put down for the person always on the go.

I know what you are thinking, "Should I purchase this book?"

As Kinky Friedman would say, "Why the Hell not?"

To see a Preview and to Order your copy, click on this link:

http:www.blurb.com/books/detail/2065314

THE BEST OF NeedToVent! by Robert A. Nowotny | Make Your Own Book

(Available in paperback and hardcover)

THE RADICALS Turns 20

2010-01-11T09:39:00.022-06:00

THE RADICALS is an expansive, historically accurate, independently-financed feature film which presents the never-before-told true story of the first church formed during the Reformation. Shot entirely on location in France, Switzerland and Germany, THE RADICALS was honored as one of the three best American motion pictures produced in the 1990s by the International Festival for the Arts. (The other two were SCHINDLER'S LIST and GETTYSBURG). In addition, it was selected as the "Best Religious Film of the Year" by The Religious Public Relations Council of America. Other awards include top honors at film festivals ranging from Tokyo to Ghent to Houston.

Now, two decades later, the immensely talented Jane Bohon has published a 20th Anniversary Tribute commemorating the making of THE RADICALS. It is perhaps the most extensive publication of its kind for a relatively low budget, independent production.

To learn more about this remarkable book go to:

http://www.blurb.com/books/1152998

Within the 98 full-color pages you will find scores of photos, testimonials, cast and crew anecdotes and behind-the-scene insights for a film one reviewer has called, "A very special movie depicting an important moment in history that changed the direction of Western civilization." (Robbie de Vries)

On behalf of everyone associated with THE RADICALS allow me to convey to Ms. Bohon our sincere appreciation for all the hard work, the incredible commitment and the undying dedication in making this 20th Anniversary something truly special.

Thanks Jane -- you're the best!

TIGER WOODS PUTZ OUT -- Update #2

2009-12-12T11:18:00.013-06:00

Let's start with the ridiculous --

Earl Woods, Tiger's dad, once said: "He's qualified through his ethnicity to accomplish miracles. He's the bridge between the East and the West. There is no limit because he has the guidance. I don't know yet exactly what form this will take -- but he is the Chosen One."

"The Chosen One?" -- How pretentious is that? You won't even find something this magniloquent or ostentatious in a Tim Tebow press release.

Anyway, here's some of the latest on Tiger (minus the Euphrates) in case you have been under sedation for the last week or so...

1. Nothing, it seems, can satisfy the insatiable appetite of the celebrity media to find out more about Tiger Woods, and their reports had no trouble finding an audience. Traffic to the biggest websites jumped 50 percent or more. In fact, Yahoo, Inc. CEO Carol Bartz told an investor conference that the Woods story was "better than Michael Jackson dying" for bringing people to her site and helping Yahoo sell enough extra advertising to boost profits. Jeez, we didn't know the King of Pop died in vain...

2. The Mayor of Las Vegas predicted a similar boost for the local economy. With many of Woods' alleged lovers having links to Sin City, and with Woods well known in Vegas casinos and nightclubs, Mayor Oscar Goodman said all this publicity, "would provide a boost to the local economy even if people no longer believed that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Who can argue with the Mayor? Clearly what happens in Vegas stays in Rachel, Jaimee and Kalika.

3. Even other sports were affected by the Tiger sweepstakes saga. For example, a horse at Hollywood Park named Driveliketiger finished third in a recent race. The horse apparently did not hit anything along the way -- maybe Tiger should get a Jockey as a stocking stuffer this year.

The ultimate irony, of course, is that Tiger Woods spent almost all of his entire life keeping score on the golf course. Now people everywhere are keeping score on him.

And the jokes continue...

What is Tiger's favorite Christmas Carol? "I'm dreaming of a White Mistress."

How does Tiger like his women? Just like his golf balls -- white, with dimples.

Tiger said the fault for his accident was his Escalade. That's oh-so typical of a golfer -- always blame the caddy!

Will there be more to come? As Sarah Palin would say, "You betcha!"

TIGER WOODS PUTZ OUT -- Update #1

2009-12-02T15:14:00.016-06:00

(The small image size of the above photo is in direct correlation to the reduced image Tiger now possesses worldwide)

Just minutes after posting our TIGER WOODS -- Mulligan Stew article a Reuters carrier pigeon arrived at Needtovent's office complex delivering a published statement by the grating golfing great which read, in part, "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all my heart...(but) personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions."

Transgressions?

Seems to us that Mr. Clean could at least man-up and call a spade a spade (for lack of a better adage).

Alas, Tiger does appear to be drinking his Kool-Aid. And to think, this statement was made mere minutes after our posting which is read worldwide. A coincidence? We think not.

As a Special Bonus to Needtovent readers, here's a picture of this year's Christmas Card photo of Elin and Tiger:

Additional developments include:

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin, is reportedly being paid a hefty seven-figure amount to stay with her husband, according the Chicago Sun-Times. The money is being transferred into an account she controls.

Additionally, Elin has demanded and will get a rewrite on the couple's prenuptial agreement. Originally, the agreement said the couple needed to remain married for 10 years in order for her to collect a divorce settlement of $20 million. Under the rewritten agreement, the time frame has been shortened and the dollar amount increased "substantially."

The couple has also begun marriage counseling at their Florida home.

Two final observations:

*** I guess the PGA really stands for the Pussy Galore Association -- now I know why men work so hard to get a Tour Card.

*** Kobe Bryant got off easy.

TIGER WOODS -- Mulligan Stew

2009-12-02T09:18:00.014-06:00

There hasn't been too much to laugh about since Dick Cheney peppered the face of his hunting buddy with a Browning 12 Gauge -- until now.

From the very moment Tiger Woods' bumbling Triple-Bogeyman bumper car excursion was first reported, the Staff at Needtovent began to cachinnate and high-five with the fervor of Nurse Ratched's loonies off their meds. Apparently the same crack (pun intended) "damage control" public relations firm that handled the Exxon Valdez disaster is calling the shots in what The Sunday Times referred to as "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant." As a result, poor Tiger's Tale will have legs, as they, say, for months to come.

"What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards."

Several specific observations:

Boy, are we glad we don't live in the Sunshine State. Is it just us, or does Florida Highway Patrol's Major Cindy Williams, shown here at the press conference declaring that Mr. Woods will only be charged with a simple traffic citation, lack even a modicum of constabulary professionalism? Tiger has said he is embarrassed by his actions. Shouldn't law enforcement officials and Smoky Bear be embarrassed also?

"What was Tiger and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning?
They were clubbing."

One fascinating facet of this whole affair is that Tiger's neighbors, whose tree he hit, is the Adams Family. Needtovent is presently pursuing an exclusive interview with Gomez and his wife Morticia who were the first on the scene of the accident not carrying a 9-iron. Yes, we know what people say about the Adams family: "They're creepy and they're kooky. Mysterious and spooky. They're all together ooky." We are not sure about the ooky part, but what the Hell...

"Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron."

Finally, we couldn't help but end this posting with a photo of Rachel Uchitel, the first of what could be many prime-time concubines. We told you this story had legs, and this proves it...

MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE -- 2009 Edition

2009-11-27T10:10:00.018-06:00

Yesterday's 83rd Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was longer and more boring than a Southern Baptist Convention. Listed below are a half-dozen observations the Staff at Needtovent felt compelled to pass along...

1. Milton DeLugg was credited as the Musical Director for this event. Born in 1918, Mr. DeLugg is still going strong at the age of 91. We remember him best for his work on both Johnny Carson's TONIGHT SHOW and, later, Chuck Barris' THE GONG SHOW. Needtovent hereby salutes Mr. DeLugg whose musical interludes between singers and marching bands was a highlight of this year's parade.

2. The most insipid, pathetic and annoying singing performance out of literally dozens must go to Mitch Musso, the Hanna Montana co-star, whose rendition of "Shout It Out" was literally projectile-vomit inducing. We can only hope that his fate mirrors another Musso of sorts, that being Benito Mussolini, shown above with his mistress, Clara Petacci. We've already bought the rope...

3. Macy's distinctive Red Star logo was displayed on more banners and vehicles than you'll see at any May Day Parade at the Kremlin.

4. We did find one commercial to be especially enlightening. Without doubt, Needtovent is firmly convinced that any toy manufactured by Fisher-Price is beyond banal. If you want to provide your child with even a modicum of intellectual stimulation, we strongly suggest that you do not purchase anything from this company -- their entire toy line is hebetudiness-inducing for even prenatal children.

5. Among all of the big, inflatable balloons, only one got us thinking: If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? So much for intellectual stimulation...

6. And, finally, thank God for the Rockettes. Their gams were a Hell of a lot more fun to watch than any of the NFL's Thanksgiving Day games.

Until next year...

PONTIAC SILVERDOME -- The Deal Of The Century?

2009-11-19T08:22:00.007-06:00

Yesterday the Pontiac Silverdome was sold at auction. When completed in 1975, at a cost of $55.7 million (the equivalent of around $70 million today), it was the largest stadium in the National Football League, with seating for 80,368 loyal Detroit Lions fans. And every seat was indoor thanks to the 10-acre Teflon coated fiberglass roof supported by no less that 1,700 tons of structural steel.

The selling price: $583,000.

That's not a typo. The selling price was a mere Five Hundred Eighty Three Thousand Dollars.

This amount is virtually the same as the asking price for the luxury high-rise condominium I was recently looking at in downtown San Antonio. I was told that this was a bargain the likes of which I would never, ever see again.

When I broached my semi-trusty Century 21 agent about the purchase price of the Silverdome he found the news so shocking it turned his sports coat a hideous yellow vomit color. Oh wait, it was already that way. But, now his face was just a half-shade off to match his jacket.

Just for fun, let's make some simple comparisons -----

Square Footage:
Silverdome -- 430,000/sf
Luxury Condo -- 2,150/sf

Price Per Square Foot:
Silverdome -- $1.36/sf
Luxury Condo -- $271.00/sf

Bedrooms:
Silverdome -- 1,240 Luxury Suites
Luxury Condo -- 1 Master/1 minuscule Guest Bedroom

Kitchens:

Silverdome -- 1 Full Service Epicurean Restaurant supplemented by 42 Concession Stands
Luxury Condo -- 1 average-sized kitchen -- with built-in disposal, trash compacter and granite counter tops. Yipeee...

Parking Places:

Silverdome -- 12,464 on-site, with another 8,700 off-site
Luxury Condo -- 2

Oh yes, the purchase of the Silverdome includes 132 acres of land. The Luxury Condo does not include any land whatsoever.

To be totally fair, my refrigerator now sports a Century 21 Refrigerator Magnet -- a gift given to me even though I have not made a purchase. I also have a Century 21 Key Chain. How can they afford such largesse?

All kidding aside, there obviously is no comparison. But is bigger really better?

Just ask any woman...

PALINTOLOGY 101

2009-11-17T08:27:00.003-06:00

Who says academia is boring?

Needtovent is excited about a whole new branch of science which has recently captured the spotlight of America's foremost network and cable channels. Usually such scientific endeavors are relegated to smaller media outlets such as the Discovery Channel or My Weekly Reader, but Palintology is making headlines everywhere. In fact, one can now take a course in this new field thanks to it's matriarch -- one Sara Palin, who, like Darwin, lends her name to this fascinating discipline.

As defined by the editors of the Science Christian Merrimack, Palintology is the vivisection of old fossils, especially those pertaining to the brief McCain Era.

Being such a new field of study, there is currently only one practitioner, Ms. Palin herself, seen above just prior to holding class at Wasilla High.

In closing, we cannot help but wonder what the yardstick is all about. Even our most dreaded nun, Mother Superior Vader, confined herself to a 12" ruler...

THE IRONDALE CAFE -- The Worst Meal Ever???

2009-11-12T07:28:00.014-06:00

Over the past sixty-plus years I have visited every state in the union and thirty-seven foreign countries. As a result, I have eaten at literally thousands of eateries -- ranging from among the fanciest and most expensive to some of the smallest dives well off the beaten track. Most of the time the food is pretty good, but there have been a number of regrettable meals which remain seared in my memory.

For example, there's the Peking Duck I was served at a restaurant in Beijing that was so fatty I named the poor bird "Arbuckle." If nothing else, this culinary experience made me realize that if reincarnation is true, I absolutely, positively do not want to come back as a liposuction machine.

I also remember a pu pu platter served in Austin that was so shockingly awful, it almost killed a Needtovent staffer. It was worse than poo-poo, that's for sure.

The same holds true for any number of "mixed grill" offerings served while attending the Varna International Film Festival in Bulgaria. Even Alfred Packer wouldn't have been able to digest the various meats which comprised this ubiquitous entree during Todor Zhivkov's reign as President of that impoverished country.

And, of course, there is the Olive Garden -- but I'll discuss that topic at another time.

Which brings me to the Irondale Cafe located just outside the city limits of Birmingham, Alabama. Originally a hot dog stand, which later added hamburgers, barbecue and a variety of sandwiches to the menu, the business was purchased by Miss Bess Fotenberry in 1932, and shortly thereafter the Irondale Cafe (aka the original Whistle Stop) became well-known for its signature dish -- fried green tomatoes.

As it turns out, Bess Fotenberry's niece is Fannie Flagg and her book featuring the restaurant became a best seller. And in January, 1992, the movie version of FRIED GREEN TOMATOES premiered at the Cobb Galleria Theatre in Birmingham. The place became an over-night sensation and tourists from around the world flocked to this small eatery, with most ordering fried green tomatoes. After all, why not? Even the local newspaper ran an article with the headline: "Seen the movie? Now taste the title."

So far, so good.

Which brings me to the evening of November 7, 2010, when yours truly, accompanied by the same Needtovent staffer who barely survived the dreaded pu pu platter, decided to eat at what some consider to be an American icon. Icon my ass, what "icon" tell you is that this was among the worst meals either of us have ever experienced.

I'll be brief -- the breading on my catfish was muculent -- there's simply no other way to describe what was on the plate. As for the celebrated fried green tomatoes -- they were soggy and the only taste associated with them came from the oil used. Even the dinner rolls were terrible -- being greasier than a Puerto Rican's pillow.

To be totally fair, the service, such as it existed, was adequate.

Maybe this wasn't the single worst meal I have ever experienced. Then again, maybe it was. But what I can say for certain is that you must not be mislead by the dozens of testimonials appearing on the Irondale Cafe's website -- they constitute the largest collection of fiction this side of Oxford University.

PHILLIE PHENOM

2009-10-29T09:49:00.013-05:00

Last night Philly Phenom Chase Utley hit two home runs to help propel the underdogs from the City of Brotherly Love to a surprising 6-1 victory over the overpaid Bronx Bombers. In doing so, Utley became the first left-handed hitter to hit two 'taters off of a left-handed pitcher in a World Series game since the mighty Bambino did so over eighty years ago.

I repeat -- this was the first time a lefty batter homered twice against left-handed pitching in the Fall Classic since October 9, 1928, when Babe Ruth accomplished the same feat off of Cardinals' pitcher Bill Sherdel.

Talk about an obscure statistic. Who keeps track of such things?

The fact remains that this is an extremely rare accomplishment which led the Staff at Needtovent to research Mr. Utley a little more, given his current celebrity status.

We like what we found...

For example, his minor league career included playing for such storied organizations as the Cotuit Kettleers and the Batavia Muckdogs. Seems like this fella thrives on obscurity. And prior to each of his plate appearances at Citizens Bank Park the public address systems plays "Kashmir" by Led Zepplin. A nice choice.

Another nice choice is his very attractive wife, Jennifer. Lookin' good...

A first game victory over the Damn Yankees is lookin' good, also, which makes me really, really crave a Philly Cheesesteak and an ice-cold Rolling Rock...

Go Phillies!

VANCOUVER OLYMPICS

2009-10-22T09:46:00.005-05:00

As a follow-up to our previous posting regarding Picabo Street, Needtovent is pleased to reveal the unique design for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics Gold, Silver and Bronze Medals. Organizers proudly declare that these medals "each feature a different crop of larger contemporary Aboriginal artworks and are undulating rather than flat -- both firsts in Games history. The dramatic form of the Vancouver 2010 medals is inspired by the ocean waves, drifting snow and mountainous landscape found in the Games region and throughout Canada."

Has the word "undulating" ever been used in a sports-related press release before? We think not.

Topography aside, we can not help but agree with Ron Judd, columnist at the Seattle Times, who described the medals as "displaying the traditional native 45RPM-record-left-on-dashboard-in-sun design."

Well, they are shiny.

Let the games begin...

PICABO STREET

2009-10-20T10:08:00.008-05:00

Olympic medalist Picabo Street -- whose unusual first name comes from the Native American word that means "shining waters" and is pronounced "peek-a-boo" -- recently earned the respect and admiration of her local community when she headed the fund raising efforts for a much-needed addition to the Sun Valley Hospital. You see, the nearest hospital with an Intensive Care Unit was located over 150 miles away in Boise. Leading the way, Ms. Street was instrumental in securing the necessary financing for a brand new state-of-the-art intensive care wing which is now fully operational.

Yes, you guessed it, the facility is named the Picabo ICU.

OBAMA'S WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE -- WTF?!

2009-10-15T14:27:00.008-05:00

The above headline from Britain's TELEGRAPH is the most recent in the storied history of wonderful newspaper headlines from around the world. Needtovent's research staff wondered what our Top Three of all-time would be. Here, in no particular order, are the ones we selected.

HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR (New York Post, 1983 -- a story covering a rather gruesome local murder)

STICKS NIX HICK PIX (Variety, 1935 -- regarding rural moviegoers preferring urban films)

IKE 'BEATS' TINA TO DEATH (New York Post, 2007 -- article covers Ike Turner's death on December 12)

Bonus: SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS (The Times, UK -- covering Inverness Caledonian Thistle's huge victory over Celtic in the Scottish Cup)

OFAY OAF OTAY?

2009-10-12T10:45:00.012-05:00

Well, it might be otay for Buckwheat, but a number of black players in the National Football League do not agree.

The "ofay oaf," of course, is Mr. Rush Limbaugh who recently announced his interest in purchasing an ownership position in the St. Louis Rams professional football team. This is the same man who once declared, "Let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it." Yes you did, why not just refer to the league as the Nigerian Football League or some other derogatory term starting with an "N" and rhyming with the word "trigger"?

Big cigar, big mouth. Little doubt he's America's Number One Racist.

Here's just a few other "gems" from Rush-a-roo:

You know who deserves a posthumous Medal of Honor? James Earl Ray [the confessed assassin of Martin Luther King]. We miss you, James. Godspeed.

I mean, let’s face it, we didn’t have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: slavery built the South. I’m not saying we should bring it back; I’m just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark.

The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.

Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?

O.K. -- this last one is pretty funny, we'll grant you that.

But is it otay for someone who blurts such rhetoric over the airwaves to own a major sports franchise in a league where the majority of the players are black? New York Giants defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka is one of the first to speak out on this issue. Here's what he said:

"All I know is from the last comment I heard. He said in (President) Obama's America white kids are getting beat up on the bus while black kids are chanting 'right on.' I mean, I don't want anything to do with a team that he has any part of. He can do whatever he wants, it is a free country. But if it goes through, I can tell you where I am not going to play. I am not going to draw a conclusion from a person off of one comment, but when it is time after time after time and there's a consistent pattern of disrespect and just a complete misunderstanding of an entire culture that I am a part of, I can't respect him as a man."

Nicely said Mathias.

Needtovent suspects a few existing owners may also be prejudiced to one degree or another, but while it might be otay with Buckwheat, we predict, Mr. Limbaugh, the vote regarding ownership in the NFL may be close, but no cigar.

STUPID SEX TRICKS -- AND A STUPID LAW

2009-10-09T14:29:00.010-05:00

"If you mess up, 'fess up."

Simple words. Ones that should stand the test of time. After all, the importance and necessity of taking responsibility for one's actions is sacrosanct. Or is it?

Which brings me to the recent events surrounding David Letterman.

Apparently Mr. Letterman had a number of sexual affairs with several female employees (at least I assume they were all female). I guess CBS actually stands for you Can't Be Serious. Then again, if Marge Simpson is going to grace the November cover of PLAYBOY Magazine, then I suppose anything is possible. But honestly, folks, let's be real -- conventional aesthetics scream loud and clear that Letterman is one unfortunate-looking dude; what woman in her right mind could possibly want to have sex with him? Well, perhaps Dorothy Parker said it best:

"If all those sweet young wanna-be starlets were laid end to end I wouldn't be surprised at all."

But I digress...

What two consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business and in this case no laws of any kind were broken. Well, maybe one. And it wasn't by Letterman nor by his concubines, but by one Robert Halderman, a Producer for another CBS program -- 48 HOURS MYSTERY. According to published reports, Halderman threatened to go public with Letterman's sexual indiscretions unless he was paid $2 million. This is a rather simple business proposition, plain and simple, "Give me two million smackaroos old gap tooth or I'll divulge that you plunked your magic twanger where you shouldn't have. Accept my terms or these skeletons in your closet will be made known to the court of public opinion."

But wait -- forget the court of public opinion, it is the judicial court system that has top jurisdiction because our current laws say this is an illegal business proposition. In simple terms, the law states that one cannot threaten someone else with embarrassing, disgraceful or damaging facts about that person to the public, family, spouse or associates if asking to be paid off for not carrying out the threat. Interestingly, should one go public or tell family members about an indiscretion of some kind and does so without asking for money, it is not against the law. The way I see it, at least Mr. Halderman was giving Mr. Letterman an option -- one that he was free to accept or reject -- just like there exists in any free-market bargaining activity in contemporary society. Why it is legal to rat on someone for free but not for a fee is beyond my comprehension.

Remember, the allegations being made were true -- this is not slander. And the real issue is simply one of taking responsibility for one's actions, whether this entails wrong doing of any kind, or more accurately in this case, a perceived wrong doing. "If you mess up, 'fess up." And if you dont want to 'fess up, keep your twanger zipped.

Like Henny Youngman once said:

Patient: It hurts when I do this."
Doctor: Then don't do that.

Is Halderman a scumbag? Probably -- but being a scumbag doesn't mean you can be arrested and tried. If that were a viable criteria, there would be precious few in Congress, for example. So if Letterman was fearful of the consequences for his stupid sex tricks, if he knew it would hurt his marriage and his career if the facts got out, then the onus falls on him. It's time to pay the piper -- in cash or shame.

Consider this quote by Jean-Paul Sartre: "Man is condemned to be free: because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does."

Consider, also, this quote from Bill Maher: "We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities."

In closing, I leave the reader with two final thoughts --

One is that I realize my point of view will not be shared by many, probably the vast majority, of my readers. That's o.k.

The second is this humorous quote from former Letterman producer Merrill Markoe, perhaps the most well-known former Letterman flame to have worked on his show. Markoe won five Emmy awards as the head writer for "Late Night with David Letterman," the NBC talk show that followed the "Tonight Show" and subsequently made Letterman a star. Markoe has been credited with the creation of Letterman's vaunted "Stupid Pet Tricks" and "Stupid Human Tricks" segments, both of which remain hallmarks of his show. Markoe posted a humorous statement about the scandal over the weekend on her web site in which she said, "Okay. Here it is. My big comment on Mr. Letterman... It is this: As you can imagine, this has been a very emotional moment for me because Dave promised me many times that I was the only woman he would ever cheat on."

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY

2009-10-06T07:52:00.013-05:00

And Jesus says: "I cannot heal you my son...you have a pre-existing condition."

That's just one of many hilarious scenes in Michael Moore's latest offering -- CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY. Although most reviewers refer to Moore's films as documentaries, they are clearly more one man's one-sided point of view regarding serious issues in contemporary America. If you have ever spent a couple of hours (or more) listening to folks like Limbaugh, Hannity or Beck, Needtovent strongly recommends you give Michael Moore 120 minutes of your time as well. We are confident that you will walk away from the theater entertained, enlightened and, most likely, infuriated as Hell.

CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY is probably Moore's best film to date -- it is certainly his most personal since ROGER & ME. And although he continues to use a scattershot approach, the enormous size and complexity of the subject matter this time around actually lends itself to his style of filmmaking. Among the multitude of issues explored are:

"Dead Peasant Insurance" -- life insurance policies taken out by Fortune 500 companies on executives, and, in the case of Wal-Mart, lowly "associates" as well. Should the insured die, the beneficiary is the company, not the deceased's family. In these cases, the company actually profits when their employees die, the sooner the better, thus collecting up to $5 million in hard, cold cash as one of the cases explored up-close and personal revealed. While the origin of the name "Dead Peasant Insurance" remains unknown, it certainly serves as a metaphor for the prevailing attitude of callous corporate America.

Another topic explored is the risky, reckless, rapacious Wall Street gamble known as "derivatives." These "spin-off" investment instruments are so complex not one of the three financial experts, including the Department Chairman of Harvard's Finance School, can explain them. In fact, some are apparently so complicated that they are created by computers and not even the software authors fully understand them. The bottom line: if there is a default on a mortgage, the investor wins -- big. And if there isn't a default, the investor can still hedge his bet by also betting the derivative will fail. (How convenient.) It's a win-win for the investment firm -- and a toxic, egregious lose-lose for the average American family.

Other segments explore:

The horribly low pay for airline pilots -- we are shown a "Give a penny to a pilot" jar at the boarding gate of an airliner to underscore the severity of the problem (first-year pilots often earn less than the assistant manager at Burger King).

The widening gap between the richest and the rest of America -- the richest 1% of the population has as much accumulated wealth as 95% of the poorest. Citibank has even declared in private memos that America is now a plutonomy. It sure seems like we need more Howard Beales and fewer Walter Mittys among 95-99% of our population.

The foreclosure epidemic -- one family in particular is profiled as they are unceremoniously kicked off their farm that has been in the family for over four generations.

But perhaps the most revealing sequence is the fascinating, dynamic archival footage of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt appearing on camera advocating a Second Bill of Rights. According to our sources, this Movietone News footage, shot at the explicit invitation of an ailing FDR at the end of his last State of the Union address, has never been seen previously -- for some reason it wasn't included in the newsreels of the day. Of course, with Roosevelt's death this Second Bill of Rights was never enacted here, in the United States, although many of its provisions are now in the constitutions of Germany, Italy and Japan -- which were all authored with considerable American input and involvement after WWII ended.

Love him. Hate him. But don't ignore him. CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY is definitely worth seeing. Roger Ebert said it best, at the very least you'll come away realizing that with corporate greed and Wall Street shenanigans the order of the day, capitalism means never having to say you're sorry.

Please go see CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY. We predict you'll leave mad as Hell...and that's a good thing.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF...TEDDY BALLGAME

2009-10-02T10:50:00.017-05:00

One of Needtovent's favorite movies is BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA. Directed by the incomparable Sam Peckinpah in 1974, the film was recently selected by none other than Stephen King as one of his favorites also. Needless to say, during the course of this often-overlooked gem poor Alfredo's noggin receives more abuse than the average Comal County taxpayer.

(Warren Oates -- with Alfredo's head in a paper bag. No seat belt?)

But when it comes to depraved head games, Peckinpah is more than trumped according to a recent article by Nathaniel Vinto, a New York Daily News Staff Writer. Since we at Needtovent can not possibly embellish the shocking revelations presented by Mr. Vinto we have elected to simply re-print just some of what Vinto has written.

("Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer." -- Ted Williams)

From the New York Daily News, Friday, October 2 -----

Workers at an Arizona cryonics facility mutilated the frozen head of baseball legend Ted Williams - even using it for a bizarre batting practice, a new tell-all book claims.

In "Frozen," Larry Johnson, a former exec at the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz., graphically describes how "The Splendid Splinter" was beheaded, his head frozen and repeatedly abused.

The book, out Tuesday from Vanguard Press, tells how Williams' corpse became "Alcorian A-1949" at the facility, where bodies are kept suspended in liquid nitrogen in case future generations learn how to revive them.

Johnson writes that in July 2002, shortly after the Red Sox slugger died at age 83, technicians with no medical certification gleefully photographed and used crude equipment to decapitate the majors' last .400 hitter.

Williams' severed head was then frozen and even used for batting practice by a technician trying to dislodge it from a tuna fish can.

The chief operating officer of Alcor for eight months before becoming a whistle blower in 2003, Johnson wrote his book while in hiding, fearful for his life.

He told the Daily News then he had received death threats and was moving from safehouse to safehouse. Johnson plans to come out of the shadows Tuesday, with his book and an appearance on ABC's "Nightline."

The book describes other atrocities at Alcor's facility in Arizona, including the dismembering of live dogs that were injected with chemicals in experiments, and a situation in which human blood and toxic chemicals were dumped into a parking lot sewer drain.

Nothing in the book is as gruesome as Johnson's descriptions of what happened to Williams' body after it was sent to Alcor at the direction of Williams' son, John Henry Williams, who died of leukemia in 2004.

Johnson writes that holes were drilled in Williams' severed head for the insertion of microphones, then frozen in liquid nitrogen while Alcor employees recorded the sounds of Williams' brain cracking 16 times as temperatures dropped to -321 degrees Fahrenheit.

Johnson writes that the head was balanced on an empty can of Bumble Bee tuna to keep it from sticking to the bottom of its case.

Johnson describes watching as another Alcor employee removed Williams' head from the freezer with a stick, and tried to dislodge the tuna can by swinging at it with a monkey wrench.

The technician, no .406 hitter like the baseball legend, missed the can with several swings of the wrench and smacked Williams' head directly, spraying "tiny pieces of frozen head" around the room.

Johnson accuses the company of joking morbidly about mailing Williams' thawing remains back to his family if his son didn't pay his outstanding debt to the company.

Reprints of invoices show that Alcor president John Lemler charged $120,000 for the honor of "suspending" Teddy Ballgame's body.

("Ted Williams studied hitting the way a broker studies the stock market." -- Carl Yastrzemski)

Johnson said he hopes his book will help fulfill the wishes Williams expressed in his will - that his body be cremated and the ashes "sprinkled at sea off the coast of Florida, where the water is very deep."

-30-

THE BEST PREDICTION EVER!

2009-10-01T11:18:00.029-05:00

Step aside Nostradamus. The same for Terry Morris, my personal gridiron guru. Yes, a new clairvoyant has recently surfaced and we at Needtovent believe he is the greatest of them all -- at least based on his uncanny prediction over this past weekend during an otherwise meaningless Seattle Mariners game in Toronto.

(Mike Blowers)

Meet Mike Blowers, a one-time player for the Seattle Mariners who now does the color commentary for the American League team. Blowers was participating in a pregame segment called “Picks to Click” when he was asked which Mariners player would end up having a big day. He went with M's infielder Matt Tuiasosopo, a player who had just been recalled from the minors and whose brief major league career had been fairly rocky at best. But there's more, oh-so-much more ----

Blowers then went so far as to predict Tui’s first big league home run...

That it would be hit on a 3-1 count...

That the pitcher that the home run would be hit off of would be Blue Jays starter Brian Tallet...

That the at-bat that the home run would be hit in would be his second of the game...

That the pitch that the home run would come off of would be a fastball...

And, finally, that the location of the home run would be left-center field.

Everything came true, exactly as projected by Blowers.

I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that nobody, and we mean nobody, has ever correctly made a baseball prediction as insane, as detailed, and as accurate as this -- never, ever...

(Matt Tuiasosopo)

Truly unbelievable -- but don't take our word for it. Here's a link for Mike's pre-game prediction and for the actual play-by-play call from Tuiasosopo's 5th-inning tater in Toronto.

http://www.baseball-reference.com/blog/archives/2753

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT -- But No Class...

2009-09-17T12:57:00.006-05:00

Last night America voted Kevin Skinner the $1 Million Grand Prize. This is just another example of the "dumbing down" of the good, old USA. It's bad enough when tens of millions think a Wal-Mart store is a mecca exceeding the Taj Mahal in grandeur. But to vote this phony chicken catcher the top prize over the truly fabulous classical singer Barbara Padilla, much less at least a half-dozen other far more deserving, genuinely talented acts, is about as ridiculous as things can get. What nationwide vote could be more egregious?

Well, maybe electing Sarah Palin to a position just a heartbeat away from the Presidency would qualify. (Who in their right mind could honestly believe she was experienced enough or intelligent enough for the job?) Yet, millions voted for her, just as, apparently, millions voted for her cousin Kevin. The only thing that rivals these two horrendous mistakes in judgement was my personal decision to attend the University of Texas at Austin to pursue a Master's Degree in Film Production. What a waste of time and money. Then again, that was a long, long time ago...

THE JAY LENO SHOW

2009-09-15T09:08:00.014-05:00

The question used to be Leno or Letterman? Letterman or Leno? For the staff at Needtovent, we initially preferred Letterman -- his acerbic monologues often hit below the belt, pushed the envelope, and, on many occasions, cut deeply. Then came the heart attack and a new Letterman emerged, one that was tame, lazy, boring. Leno, on the other hand, stepped up his game delivering a full ten minutes of new material each night that, surprisingly, grew a bit edgier, but, more importantly, was genuinely and consistently funny.

Then came the "retirement" only to have a reemergence just a few months later. There's no denying that THE JAY LENO SHOW will be breaking new ground, becoming the first-ever prime time program to air every night of the week. The question, now, is whether or not this Favrian return will also be a success.

Based on last night's premier edition the jury is still out.

Perhaps the key is determining who constitutes the primary audience for THE JAY LENO SHOW. Needtovent is an openly gray institution, and so we naturally figured it would be the AARP crowd who previously wanted to watch Jay in the 11:30 p.m. (Eastern) time slot but couldn't stay awake long enough to even get through the opening monologue. At least that's who we thought NBC would appeal to -- an admittedly niche demographic, one that might be construed as possessing less purchasing power than the more desired 18-49 crowd, but yet sizeable enough in today's fractured television marketplace to be financially viable. After all, an entire week's worth of Jay's one-hour programs will likely cost less than a single hour of prime time drama such as previous NBC hits like ER, LAW & ORDER and L.A. LAW. Of course, those were all a long, long time ago.

Having Jerry Seinfeld as the first guest was an excellent choice. But what in the name of Chester A. Riley was NBC thinking when the other guests booked were rappers Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West? What a revoltin' development this is... Talk about a bird-brained decision by the Peacock Network. For the vast majority of senior citizens, this musical choice was more like Metamucil -- and that's a pretty tough pill for senior citizens to swallow around bedtime.

In the final analysis, the most important question is whether THE JAY LENO SHOW was entertaining. Leno publicly promised "three times the comedy" of his former TONIGHT SHOW. We'll give the monologue a B+, the Seinfield segment (including the Oprah video) a B-, the two videotaped inserts a C, the mock Obama interview a C-, the pathetic Kanye West interviw an F, the aforementioned Metamucil musical number an F and the closing Headlines (after over three months to cull the very best) a disappointing B. Looks like Jay's math skills elicit a failing grade.

Final analysis -- we find THE JAY LENO SHOW to be in trouble, especially if the guest selections don't become more consistently appropriate and the video segments remain lame at best. Not to worry, Jay can always drive off into the sunset in one of the exotic cars in his collection -- this fabulous Hispano-Suiza 8 being just one possibility.

RAWLINGS S100 BASEBALL HELMET

2009-09-03T09:56:00.005-05:00

On August 15th New York Met 3rd baseman David Wright suffered a concussion when he was struck in the head by a 95mph fastball thrown by Giants pitcher Matt Cain. Upon his return a few weeks later, he became the first major league player to don the new ultraprotective Rawlings S100 helmet. Needtovent thinks this is a prudent move, the rather goofy look notwithstanding. We predict that more and more players will opt for safety over fashion, although there is one previous ex-Met who we believe would be an exception.

With a career spanning the better part of a decade (1980-1989), Mookie Wilson was, and remains, a Met favorite. However, the attached artist's depiction of Mookie wearing the new head gear gives us serious doubts he would consider making the switch.

STEPHEN KING'S TOP 20

2009-09-01T15:28:00.009-05:00

Recently "The King of Horror" -- Stephen King -- wrote an article stating, "Most summer movies are hell on earth. Fortunately, heaven is only a rental away." We at Needtovent couldn't agree more.

Here's Mr. King's list of entertaining films to rent during the summer:

20. WHITE HEAT
19. MR. PEABODY AND THE MERMAID
18. POINT BLANK
17. TITANIC
16. SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER
15. CURSE OF THE DEMON (1958)
14. Stephen Spielberg's 1941
13. CUJO
12. THE CAINE MUTINY
11. THE THING (He prefers John Carpenter's 1982 remake)
10. DR. STRANGELOVE
9. BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA
8. KISS OF DEATH
7. DIE HARD
6. THE BLUES BROTHERS
5. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
4. THE WILD BUNCH
3. SLING BLADE
2. WAGES OF FEAR
1. SORCERER (William Friedkin's remake of WAGES OF FEAR)

Other than a few exceptions, we think this is a marvelous selection of divergent and wonderful films, especially his inclusion in first and second place two often-overlooked classics -- SORCERER and WAGES OF FEAR. Kudos to King for recognizing their ability to generate incredible suspense -- if you have never experienced a Sphincter Pucker Factor of 9.9, then you definitely must see one or, preferably, both.

Personally, we would not have included 1941, CUJO or DIE HARD, although they are admittedly fine films which do entertain. (We defer on MR. PEABODY AND THE MERMAID since we haven't seen this one.) And, of course, we would not have chosen THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT -- a remarkable cultural phenomena, but as a motion picture we find it terribly lacking.

Replacing the aforementioned four titles we suggest -- THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY, BUBBA HO-TEP, DETOUR (1945) and ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST. Then again, yesterday we might very well have listed I WALKED WITH A ZOMBIE, A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT, THE WORLD'S FASTEST INDIAN and KING OF HEARTS.

That's the fun thing about Top 20 Lists (or any ranking of favorite movies -- there are so many great ones we find it impossible to be absolute).

Send us your list -- Needtovent would love to see what you think.

Texas A&M Football Preview

2009-08-31T15:01:00.011-05:00

It's that wonderful time of year again -- college football predictions are appearing everywhere, but for Longhorn fans it doesn't get much better than this -----

2009 Texas A&M Football Preview: State of The Union

Posted by Scipio Tex on August 27th, 2009 at www.barkingcarnival.com

Forward, March, Hut, Two, Three, Four!

Aggie football players are a lot like the Aggie Corps of Cadets.

Some of them are the real thing and deserve your respect, but most play dress up for four years pretending to be something they’re not and end up selling insurance in Tomball.

Witness the perfect illustration of my point. West Point. While A&M’s football team struggled to a 21-17 victory against an Army team that lost by 18 to New Hampshire, the Corps struggled to bond with the men whose pajamas they wear at night:

corps turd: Howdy, fellow comrade-in-arms! Let’s clasp forearms in the time-honored tradition of the warrior and speak of Yorktown, Inchon, and Normandy. Whoop!

West Point Cadet: Pleased to meet another soldier. We might run into each other after school. I’m in Afghanistan after I complete Ranger training. Where are you posted after graduation?

corps turd: Managing my Daddy’s feed store in Atascocita!

West Point Cadet: (stares with contempt) …..

corps turd: (feelings hurt) Hey, I’m Ol Army! Look at my medals! You don’t got hardly any, you New York asshole!

Of course, there are differences between A&M football and the corps. One group comprises athletes and the other spent most of their high school life dangling from a locker hook. But Sherman has been working hard on the recruiting trail to alleviate that...

The entire Staff at Needtovent wants to thank Larry Jefferson for bringing www.barkingcarnival.com to our attention.

To read the rest of Scipio Tex's 2009 Aggie Preview go to:
http://barkingcarnival.com/2009/08/27/texas-am-football-preview

Hook 'em!

DISTRICT 9 -- Haiku Review

2009-08-18T10:57:00.005-05:00

Soweto sci-fi
Harryhausen would be proud
Hollywood humbled

THE VIEW

2009-08-13T13:41:00.005-05:00

When most people hear the words "the view" they naturally think of Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sherri Shepherd, Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Barbara Walters. Not me.

No dear readers, for me it's Jamais, Presque and Deja.

I would imagine that most of you have encountered dear Deja vu at one time or another. You know, the feeling that you have seen something before even though common sense says this is impossible. Those who claim to have been reincarnated say they experience this frequently. All I know is that I have encountered feelings of Deja vu even though I have serious doubts that I walked the earth prior to this life.

But it is Deja's sisters that are the most intriguing to me.

Presque vu is the term that describes the experience of almost remembering something. When this occurs people often say that what they are trying to think of is "on the tip of my tongue." As I get older, I'm getting to know Presque vu better and better.

Not to be left out of this posting is perhaps the most pesky vu of them all -- Jamais. If you have ever experienced the impression that you are seeing a situation for the very first time despite rationally knowing that you have been in that situation before, then you, too, have met Jamais. Common examples include not recalling how to spell a familiar word -- or -- reading a word you definitely recognize, but now find that you can't remember its meaning -- or -- getting briefly lost in a very familiar place -- or -- thinking a close friend or family member is a total stranger.

Doctors might call these various episodes (for lack of a better word) the result of Alzheimer's disease. A nasty word -- Alzheimer -- and one that could get you confined to a dreaded nursing home, or worse. (Remember, cranky old Alois Alzheimer was a German neuropathologist -- need I say more?)

Accordingly, I herby declare to one and all that any future brain fart on my part is simply the result of a visit by one of the vus, be it Jamais, Presque or Deja.

(Yes, I am openly and defiantly gray!))

PRIUS -- Japanese for Pretentious?

2009-08-06T15:01:00.018-05:00

Years ago I started collecting airsick bags from Eastern European airlines. Why, I don't know. But those little retch receptacles from flagship carriers like Balkan Air (now Bulgaria Air), CSA (Czech Airlines), Malev (the national airline of Hungary), LOT Polish Airlines and Tarom (Romania's largest) sure come in handy whenever the latest round of Prius television commercials invade the Nowotny living room. And invade they do -- like the Battle of Guadalcanal, these sanctimonious, saccharine little Nippers come at you at least five times every hour. I'd rather be water boarded.

From the absolutely vapid vocals of "Let The Love Flow" (originally a Bellamy Brothers tune sung here by some sparrow of a songstress named Petra Haden) to the Technicolor pap smear visualizations of imbecilic flower people adorned with costumes so cheezy no self-respecting first-grader would even consider wearing one to a school recital, this series of agonizingly annoying ads have to be the most nauseating, the most vainglorious, the most projectile-vomit inducing television commercials of the new millennium. It's pretentiousness personified, pandemic pabulum for the pious.

And speaking of pious, wasn't that the name of the hybrid in "Smug Alert" -- SOUTH PARK Episode 141? I think it was.

While the car may be a worthy engineering effort, this series of ads hyping the 3rd Generation Toyota Prius from the Land of the Rising Sun must be annihilated. I say it's time for another Fat Man or Little Boy. Or how about asking Toho Studios to unleash their Nipon Nightmare? I'd like nothing more than to see the hallucinagenic horde of freakish flower folks squashed to death, reduced to nothing more than Godzilla toe jam...

RETIREMENT?

2009-07-27T13:06:00.004-05:00

Let's face it -- I am openly gray.

At age 61 it isn't too early to at least begin thinking about retirement, so when I ran across this picture I said to myself, "Self, wouldn't this be a terrific retirement spot?"

Getting a seaplane endorsement isn't difficult -- and there's a wonderful seaplane training facility located at beautiful Lake Como in Italy that would be an ideal place to go. As a matter of fact, this is at the top of my "Bucket List." And this particular cottage doesn't look overly large or expensive, all things considered.

So there you have it -- this surely isn't too much to ask for. Or is it?

Of course, as I always say: "I either get what I want or I change my mind."

(Everyone says I'm in denial, but I'm not...)

DEATH PROOF

2009-07-22T08:34:00.009-05:00

"Has Tarantino ever made a singularly authentic, sincere, innovative frame of film in his life?"
(Brandon Fibbs)

Ouch.

DEATH PROOF is Quentin Tarantino's feature-length contribution to GRINDHOUSE, the twin-bill gore-fest which was intended to be a homage to the classic, albeit classless, drive-in B-movies of the 1950s and 1960s. Combined with several fake movie trailers and Robert Rodriguez's full-length PLANET TERROR, the total running time for this patronizing pastiche was a whopping 191 minutes. Overly long and ultimately disappointing, GRINDHOUSE was a box office failure.

What to do?

Well Tarantino and Rodriguez and the Weinstein's, Executive Producers Bozo Bob and Hapless Harvey, re-released both films as single offerings and the staff at Needtovent recently screened DEATH PROOF thanks to the fine folks at AMC which, in this case, could very well stand for Agonizingly Mindless Cinema.

DEATH PROOF stars Kurt Russell as Stuntman Mike, a psychopath who uses his heavily reinforced muscle car as a killing machine to annihilate unsuspecting, beautiful young women who have a propensity to bare their belly button. The navels are nicely shaped, lint-free "innies" -- just what any red-blooded hormone-driven fella would find arousing, for lack of a better word. But Stuntmn Mike has a hard-on of a different nature for these nubiles; what/why is never divulged. And what Stuntman Mike forgets is that Hell hath no fury like a woman being creamed by a big bore Chevy. Sounds promising enough, but the biggest bore of all is the incessant bantering among the various broads which bogs down any momentum until the very end. By then, one hardly cares.

On the bright side, Russell's hypnotic/psychotic Stuntman Mike is a fun character to watch. And the legion of libertine, libidinous lounge lizards provide appealing eye candy at first, at least until their incessant droning makes you want Stuntman Mike, or anyone for that matter, to reach for some duct tape or, perhaps, a Louisville Slugger.

We have not screened the other full-length component of GRINDHOUSE, but it appears that Rodriguez also missed the mark. Quite frankly, we doubt we will even bother trying. Instead, we plan to grab a six-pack or two of Lone Star longnecks and pop into the old VHS machine a copy of FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL!

Old Coot: "Women! They let 'em vote, smoke and drive -- even put 'em in pants! And what happens? A Democrat for president!"

Sorry Quentin, when it comes to the grindhouse genre, no one does it better than Russ Meyer.

JOHNNY DEPP UPDATE -- Kemo Sabe?

2009-07-21T07:26:00.011-05:00

Coming up next for Johnny Depp is the role of the Mad Hatter in ALICE IN WONDERLAND. This Disney release is currently slated for March 5, 2010. The entire staff at Needtovent.com is anticipating another brilliant performance by what is arguably the finest American actor currently gracing the silver screen. As Director Tim Burton states, "Johnny definitely gets ALICE IN WONDERLAND. He's probably been there himself many times."

And so we wondered what might be the next step for Mr. Depp. The answer surprised us. As Alice would say, things get "curiouser and curiouser." Reportedly, producer Jerry Bruckheimer aims to reintroduce a classic Western franchise, THE LONE RANGER, with Depp (whose maternal grandfather, not incidentally, was Cherokee) as Tonto. Writers Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio have been selected to write the script for the live-action big-screen adaptation of the classic 1930s radio show. Besides writing SHREK, THE MARK OF ZORRO, and NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS together, Elliott and Rossio are the duo that brought us all three of the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN adventures.

Remaking THE LONE RANGR is essentially a risky undertaking in this day and age where Westerns continue to flop no matter how good they are (PALO PINTO GOLD being a rare exception). But one could've said the same about pirates and octopus-headed villains back before the first PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN plundered the box office in 2001. However, THE LONE RANGER seems a bit more daunting. The character's most recent shot at the big screen, 1981s THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER, failed so badly that the film's star, Klinton Spilsbury, never worked in Hollywood again.

While no one has yet been signed to play the title character, there have been clues that George Clooney is being seriously considered for the role forever made popular by Clayton Moore. If this will bring an end to the looney Clooney's overinflated career as well, we say go for it.

Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!

BITTER/SWEET

2009-07-14T15:19:00.010-05:00

"Most Hollywood films are just a tapeworm, a 2,500 meters long tapeworm that sucks the life and the spirit out of me." (Ingmar Bergman)

More often than not, the staff at Needtovent.com agrees with Mr. Bergman. Accordingly, we actively seek out the best in low budget, independent cinema and these efforts have rewarded us with a number of truly excellent, highly entertaining films which we have had the pleasure of reviewing over the past few years. Our latest discovery is BITTER/SWEET, screened at the recent Worldfest-Houston International Film Festival where it won The Grand Jury Award for "Best Picture" and the Golden Remi Award for "Best Director." These awards are well deserved.

The music under the lush opening credits -- "That Funny Feeling" -- was the first hint that yes, indeed, there's a funny feeling that this film might be special. It is. BITTER/SWEET is an ambitious undertaking by recently-formed Angel & Bear Productions, a Bangkok-based Thai-Swiss production company headed by Urs Brunner in cooperation with two American firms, Capitol Motion Pictures and Eighth Wonder Entertainment. Prior to entering the film industry Mr. Brunner had already found success in Thailand by forming the Boncafe coffee company. In fact, it was his experience in the coffee business that prompted him to conceive the underlying story for BITTER/SWEET. The resulting screenplay by the extremely talented Jeff Hare (who also directed) takes the viewer to the picturesque coffee plantations of Southern Krabi where there's more in the air than just the aroma of first-rate robusta beans.

"Is there life before coffee?"
(Anonymous)

Let's be honest -- not every independently-produced film is good, but BITTER/SWEET is a truly Thaitanic effort with a generous production budget that provides the necessary resources to take full advantage of the exotic tropical locations. Of particular interest is the use of the RED ONE in one of the earliest feature film applications for this cutting edge, some say revolutionary, digital camera. And the superb, highly energetic music selections, under the supervision of Chris Moellere and Cindi Avnet, keep things moving at a steady pace. In fact, all of the production values are first-rate, significantly superior to the majority of independent offerings, and they collectively enhance what is an engaging love story brought to the screen by a cadre of wonderful actors which include Kip Pardue, Mamee Nakprasit, Kalorin Nemayothin, Tata Young, Spencer Garrett, Laura Sorenson and James Brolin.

Pardue (REMEMBER THE TITANS, BOBBY) plays Brian Chandler, an American-based coffee expert who is sent to Thailand by his boss Calvert Jenkins (Brolin -- THE WEST WING, LAST CHANCE HARVEY) to check out a reportedly superior grade of coffee which his company may want to acquire if these rumors are true. This assignment takes him away from Amanda (Sorenson), his attractive fiancee, and from the rigorous preparations of their impending wedding. (This second consequence may not be all that unfortunate as any groom can readily attest.) Upon his arrival in Bangkok he meets the gorgeous Ticha (Nakprasit), a stunningly beautiful, dedicated career woman who has given up on finding love. It is at the urging of her coffee farming parents that Ticha is pressed into taking Brian to her old village which is now suffering economically in the hopes that Brian will recommend purchasing the coffee grown there -- thus saving the day. Assisting in this task is Ticha's sassy sidekick Mook (Nemayothin) and Mook's "boyfriend," Werner (Garrett), an Austrian prankster/huckster who has a lust for life, libation and libido. Garrett's performance is especially engaging as he literally steals just about every scene he is in.

Initially, Brian and Ticha do not get along -- in political terms think Franken and Palin and you wouldn't be too far off. But their journey through the fabulous Thai countryside is also a journey of self-discovery as each come to realize that the pursuit of "perfection" isn't as clear cut as previously thought . Their journey is one that we thoroughly enjoyed -- and one we hope a smart, savvy distributor will make available to large audiences both domestically and worldwide. Surely Brolin's appearance will help market the film; his steady, stately performance as the coffee mogul with a hidden agenda is just the latest character he has nailed in a long, distinguished career. We cannot think of anyone better in this supporting, yet pivotal role. Pardue's sweet, subtle performance is a winning one also, but it is Mamee Nakprasit, clearly one of Thailand's most attractive, talented and award-winning actresses, who will likely gain the most attention. We have a funny feeling you will agree.

BRUNO

2009-07-12T09:37:00.012-05:00

Is Bruno numero uno?

Yes and no.

Accoring to preliminary reports, Sacha Baron Cohen's BRUNO is Number 1 at the box office this opening weekend much to the consternation of the Christian Film & Television Commission. Yes, good old Ted Baehr and his fellow inquisitors have anointed BRUNO the most "abhorrent" film of the year, calling it "mindlessly pornographic, politically correct paganism" and "worse than any decent human being can imagine." Hey, that sounds like my kind of film!

But, while BRUNO pushes more envelopes than the U. S. Post Office, most end up in the dead letter file thanks to a screenplay that is so shoddily constructed you would think Kaufman & Broad had written it. After a surprisingly slow start in Austria, the various contrived scenes go downhill faster than Franz Klammer on the Hahenkamm at Kitzbuehl. Things pick up, slightly, when the title character reaches Los Angeles, but even at a relatively short 82 minutes, Sacha's sashaying grew tiresome and I found myself longing for The Village People or Bruce Vilanch or Paul Lynde, even Topo Gigio.

There are a few bright moments, such as the segment at an Arkansas wrestling arena where the local red-necks, looking like Beluga whales in cheesy t-shirts, become mortified at the homo heat taking place in the rink between Bruno and his sycophant assistant, Lutz (played by Gustaf Hammarsten). And the clips from his appearance on The Richard Bey Show in Dallas, where he introduces his adopted black baby as "O.J." (claiming it is a traditional African name), is priceless. How Cohen manages to escape both the Pig Sooie state and Big D alive is beyond me. How he managed to escape the dreaded NC-17 rating is also perplexing. BRUNO may be rated R -- but it is a hard R, a virtual diamond-cutter of an R to be precise.

Yet, for every little comedic gem, there are several sequences that misfire as often as a Vanguard rocket. For someone who is Cambridge educated, how in the world did Sacha Baron Cohen think his Ron Paul interview was going to be funny? Wouldn't Senator Larry Craig have been a better choice? Even the much ballyhooed closing song featuring Baron singing his own unique version of "We Are The World" with such luminaries as Bono, Slash, Snoop Dog, Chris Martin, Sting and Elton John disappoints.

Unfortunately, BRUNO isn't anywhere near as entertaining or as funny as BORAT, and while BRUNO rules the box office this weekend, we predict ticket sales will nosedive like a Stuka once the word gets out. Wanna bet?

ALAN EMBREE -- Baseball Trivia

2009-07-10T10:36:00.006-05:00

The staff at Needtovent has a long-standing appreciation for the little oddities that continue to comprise a unique, interesting portion of baseball history. For example, we previously reported on the plight of Joe Pignatano who will forever be remembered most for his being the only major league player to ever hit into a triple play in his last at-bat. That's a pretty unfortunate way to end an otherwise respectable major league career.

On a more positive note, Colorado Rockies pitcher Alan Embree accomplished something that is about as rare as anything found in America's Pastime: He threw zero pitches against zero batters but was still credited as the winning pitcher in a recent game against the lowly Washington Nationals. This has to be hands down the easiest win in major league history.

It was the top of the eighth inning and the game was tied 4-4. Austin Kearns was on first and there were two outs. That's when Embree came in to relieve Joel Peralta, but luckily for him the Nats poor play extends beyond hitting, pitching and fielding to include baserunning as well. Before even getting the opportunity to throw a pitch, Embree tossed the ball over to first and caught a sleeping Kearns between first and second base. Kearns was tagged out. Embree exited the game for a pinch-hitter hitter in the bottom half of the inning and the Rockies scored to take the lead. Reliever Huston Street then took the mound and closed out the ninth to seal the victory for Embree.

Yep, zero pitches thrown, but a big "W" nonetheless. Go figure...

FARRAH FAWCETT

2009-06-26T11:07:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a terrible day. Micheal Jackson's death was a shock, but for me, the passing of Farrah Fawcett was more personal and tragic.

I remember the first time I met Farrah -- it was at a Delta Sig keg party in 1967, and she was dating a very lucky fraternity brother. She was tremendously beautiful, very bright and she told me that she was committed to becoming the best actress she could be. Farrah left the University of Texas shortly thereafter, and the rest is history.

Speaking of history, I was on a blind date that evening and this particular coed wasn't too bad either. In fact, some 40 years later I am still married to her.

THOR AT THE BUS STOP

2009-06-25T13:36:00.020-05:00

A well-made, entertaining, low-budget, independently produced comedy is about as rare as a Republican politician being faithful to his wife. Yet, Needtovent has discovered several over the past few years -- the Rohalian world of folksy fun and fastidious fantasy comprising THE GUATEMALAN HANDSHAKE, the gangly Gerber goober mockumentary THE BABY FOOD DUDE, and 3 DAYS BLIND, the rollicking, frolicking ribald romp from Those Keith Brothers. Joining this tantalizing trifecta is the mojo mjolnir madness brought to the screen by another pair of brothers, Jerry and Mike Thompson, whose THOR AT THE BUSTOP features more eccentric, eclectic, endearing characters than an entire season of "The Gong Show."

THOR AT THE BUS STOP is an impressive, idiosyncratic feature film which follows Thor on the day he will save the world. Unfortunately, this act of heroics will inevitably cost him his life. What makes matters worse, no one seems to care. Such is the maddening milieu found on "the far side" of the tracks separating Las Vegas' fabulous strip from the white-trash environs located on the edge of town. Come to think of it, THOR AT THE BUS STOP could become both Chuck Barris' and Gary Larson's favorite movie.

Utilizing an unconventional approach to traditional narrative similar to that found in Richard Linklater's SLACKER (1991), THOR consists of a chain of linked, disparate characters who are all in search of something. Another example of this unique sub-genre would be THE PHANTOM OF THE LIBERTY (1974), directed by the master of surrealism, Luis Buneul. Clearly this scatterbrained structure, although quite rare, is not without precedent. Just goes to show that's there's really very little that's new under the sun -- but in this case the scorching Sin City sun shines brightly on a wonderful ensemble of unknown local talent who grace the screen with winning performances throughout.

Among the seedy and needy are White Trash Chuck, a role that is perfect for Vegas native Kyle Bush. Alas, 'lil Kyle is too busy winning and whining on the NASCAR circuit, so Mike Thompson wisely cast himself in this stunning portrayal of someone desperately in search of his "inner cool." Brother Jerry's low-key portrayal of the title role of Thor hits just the right balance of pathos and platonic patriarchy. Another stand-out performance is given by Carlos Emjay as One Way Walter, the super-cool carjacker who befriends his victim even though he intends to kill him. Actually, the list of superb actors can go on and on -- there were a total of 42 speaking parts and virtually everyone delivered the goods, whether it be pizza, a bus, a yellow flower or a little bit of wisdom.

"I'm gonna tell you the secret of life. You ready? There are only two ways you can act. Just two. You can be cool or not. That's it. Those are your only choices."

(May Luong, David Schmoeller, Mike Thompson, Jerry Thompson)

While a ton of credit must be given to Jerry and Mike Thompson (who not only directed and appear in key roles, they also wrote the original screenplay and edited the film as well), there's no denying that the skilled producing team of David Schmoeller and May Luong surely helped guide the way. Schmoeller's name should be familiar -- he's the incredibly talented director of such classic, cult films as PUPPETMASTER (the original), TOURIST TRAP, CRAWLSPACE and the unforgettable short, PLEASE KILL MR. KINSKI. He is now an Associate Professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas; the Thompsons and Ms. Luong are previous students of his. I recall the old Chinese proverb, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." Looks like Schmoeller is among that rare breed who can do both -- and do them exceedingly well.

While all of the technical aspects of THOR AT THE BUS STOP are solid given the incredibly low budget, one must single out the Original Score by Jackson Wilcox, the Original Music Produced by Ronald Corso and the featured songs by Hungry Cloud and A Crowd of Small Adventures. A fantastic job by all -- and considerably above that found in many films costing literally a hundred times more. Oh yes, there's even an uncredited appearance by Raymond Joseph Teller, of Penn & Teller fame, just to top things off.

THOR AT THE BUS STOP has recently had successful screenings at CineVegas, the Singapore International Film Festival and the 2009 World Comedy Festival in Bangkok. There will surely be more festival awards and screenings to come. In the meantime, negotiations are on-going with both domestic and foreign film distributors. It is often said that "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." In the case of THOR AT THE BUS STOP we hope that's not the case -- this highly entertaining and enjoyable feature film deserves a wide-spread release.

More information, photos and a trailer can be found at: www.thoratthebusstop.com.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 (2009) -vs- THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (1974)

2009-06-15T16:04:00.008-05:00

Originally written for Bryce Zabel's Movie Smackdown! Website -- www.moviesmackdown.com

The Smackdown. What's more dicey than a Hollywood remake? Especially for a director who takes on the task of reshooting a film considered to be the precursor for many big budget Hollywood suspense thrillers that followed, films like Quentin Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs" or Jan de Bont's "Speed." Might as well go to the craps table at Monte Carlo. But auteurs (and those who think they are auteurs) often go where angels fear to tread. This time it is none other than that other Scott, Tony, who tackles Joseph Sargent's successful blend of suspense, drama, action, thrills (with even a bit of comedy thrown in for good measure) -- "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three." Both films share the same basic underlying premise from the novel by John Godey. And Godey's premise is a goody -- four gunmen hijack a New York City subway train and demand a huge ransom be paid within the hour. The money must not be late in arriving because for every minute thereafter, one of the hostages will be shot. No exceptions. What ensues is a deadly cat and mouse game of verbal sparring between the leader of the highly armored gang and the unlucky transit official who must do everything possible to delay the inevitable. It's said that Benito Mussolini kept the trains running on time. Does Tony Scott do the same for the New York Transit Authority? Or is the original the better ride? It's time to get out the subway tokens -- all aboard!

The Challenger. As Chester A. Riley might say, "What a Travoltin' development this is!" Blessed with mega-star power, Tony Scott's version features John Travolta as Ryder, an ex-commodities trader turned ex-con who masterminds a plot to steal even more money than that Bernie guy made-off with. Talk about a low life. On the other side of the tracks, the good side, is Denzel Washington, a Walter Mitty sort of fella who is a disgraced MTA official recently demoted to the position of a train dispatcher in the NASA-like central control room for the Big Apple's subway system. Just his luck that he's the guy who fields Ryder's call for the ransom money. The razor-sharp dialogue from screenwriter Brian Helgeland allow these two heavyweight actors to engage in a wickedly escalating two-person verbal dance as the clock enevitably ticks down. Travolta's language is more foul than the waters of Lake Titicaca, but it is believable, edgy, realistic, and quirky -- his randy remarks about taking a Lithuanian ass model to Iceland is classic.

Adding to the tense proceedings are John Turturro as the head hostage negotiator and John Gandolfini as the mayor. Unfortunately, neither are given all that much to do and the same definitely holds true for all others appearing on screen. Clearly this is a "star vehicle" and the entire focus of the film rests on the excellent performances of the two leads. Editor Chris Lebenzon keeps things moving at a vibrant, sometimes frenetic pace, and Tony Scott's ADD directing style includes more stunts than a Kappa Alpha keg party. Yes, there's action all right, plenty of it, as the streets of the Big Apple resemble "the big one" at Talladega during the cops' desperate race-against-the-clock attempt to deliver the dough to the hijackers. And they better not be late -- Travolta sports a spiffy Breitling chronograph that insures he knows the exact time down in the bowels of the MTA. Fast paced, with a dynamic performance by Travolta and a winning one by Washington, Scott's version delivers a captivating summertime diversion in air conditioned comfort.

The Defending Champion. The original version of THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (yes, the numbers were spelled out back in 1974) had Walter Matthau as Lt. Garber, the somewhat disheveled protagonist who correleates to Denzel's character in the remake. Robert Shaw plays Mr. Blue, the leader of the rainbow warriors who hijack a subway car containing 17 innocent riders and one very unlucky motorman. He is assisted by Martin Balsam (Mr. Green), Hector Elizondo (Mr. Gray) and Earl Hindman (Mr.Brown). These names prove yet again that almost nothing is ever new in cinema. Right Quentin? Other notables are Lee Wallace as the mayor, Jerry Stiller as Lt. Rico Patrone and, appropriately enough, a guy with the honest-to-God name of Jim Pelham who plays one of the Subway Guards.

The terrific screenplay by Peter Stone is rife with current references to a variety of issues facing New Yorkers in the 1970s -- both social and economic. "We don't want another Attica do we?" "There's another strike taking place?" "The city is broke." Unlike Scott's version, virtually all of the supporting cast members have something to say -- whether it be pithy, perceptive, philosophical, poignant or simply polite -- "Gesundheit!" (Believe it or not, this expression holds a significant clue to the identity of one of the hijackers. It is just another example of the countless small details found in Stone's script.) Joseph Sargent's directing style is relaxed, uncluttered, evenly paced. Shot during flu season, NYC has never looked grittier thanks to the muted colors and grainy images lensed by cinematographer Owen Roizman. In fact, there's almost a documentary feel to the film which heightens the tension once the hostage demands are announced. And no review would be complete without mentioning the excellent music score by David Shire. If I had not read the credits, I might have easily assumed that Elmer Bernstein had taken the subway from the West Side.

The Scorecard. June is what I like to call "Alice Cooper time." Yes, school's out for the summer and Hollywood never fails to bring big budget, boffo bonbons to your local Bijou in June. "The Taking of Pelham 123" is among the first of these to hit the screens, and based on a proven pedigree, this suspense thriller is a worthy accompaniment to a tub of buttered popcorn and a Dr Pepper. Comparisons between the two films are inevitable. The Tony Scott edition is definitely "bigger" -- while the exact figures are unknown, there is little doubt that the buget for his film was considerably larger than that of the original, inflation notwithstanding. The ransom amount demanded is higher, too, from $1 million to $10 million. The number of hostages rose from seventeen to nineteen. And the "star power" of John Travolta and Denzel Washington is definitely much bigger -- in fact Travolta's over-the-top portrayal of the gang leader is so bright it is like looking through the lens of the Hubble telescope.

But the original is considered a classic by many, and with good reason. A fabulous script, rock-steady direction, solid performances by everyone on the screen and superb technical aspects, including cinematography, editing, music and production design, all combine to produce a film that is long remembered after the closing credits. Add in a superior screenplay that references civil rights, the Vietnam War, gender issues, fiscal reponsibility, political corruption and a host of other topics on the minds of New Yorkers (and Americans in general) in the 1970s, and the Joseph Sargent version deserves its lofty reputation -- especially since it holds up so well thirty-five years after it was originally released.

The Decision. Both films are blessed with cracker-jack scripts containing enough surprises to keep one thoroughly entertained. And both screenwriters deliver razor-sharp dialogue, although Brian Helgeland's is more of a Bic disposable than the finely honed, serrated blade of Peter Stone's. Not only is Stone's script more nuanced and developed in its portrayal of the supporting characters, it possesses a broader range of emotions and a delightfully cynical sense of humor. "Why the Hell don't you hijack an aeroplane like everyone else?"

But it is in the area of "writer's convenience" where the two scripts differ the most. Albert Einstein once said that "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." If true, then I have to believe that Helgeland might have been sitting on the right-hand side of the Creator when he penned the scene with Denzel Washington emerging from the subway tunnel grate just as Travolta is walking by. And while neither film excels in their portrayal of the poor innocent folks being held for ransom, the 2009 version is so deficient in this area I would label these bland, vanilla-esque characters "Hostage Twinkies." Even though the story takes place in an underground subway tunnel, I'm sure that Tony Scott, Brian Helgeland and associates wanted to take the crime caper genre to new heights of daring doo. D. B. Cooper they are not. On the other hand, Joseph Sargent's film is a classic, possessing superior suspense, a shocking suicide that is unforgettable, and there's a whole lot more taking place on the screen than two mega-stars and some hard-hitting car crashes. And so the winner is the 1974 edition of "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three." But don't just take my word for it -- Subway's own Jared S. Fogle agrees.

BEST TOWN DRUNK -- He's Yours Truly!

2009-06-08T12:50:00.008-05:00

The inaugural Texandance International Film Festival was held this past weekend in the scenic Texas Hill Country town of New Braunfels. Forty-four feature films, shorts, music videos and trailers from around the world were showcased during the three-day event, including PALO PINTO GOLD which was screened right after the prestigious Awards Ceremony. Having attended dozens of film festivals throughout the United States, Canada and Europe, Needtovent staff members were extremely impressed with the quality of the films programmed. Festival Co-Founders Bryce Tumlinson and Vince Koegle are to be congratulated for organizing a successful event -- one that is sure to continue bringing high-quality independent cinematic works to the Central Texas area for many years to come.

Among the deserving films and filmmakers recognized by Traildance was Anthony Henslee who received the "Best Director" award for PALO PINTO GOLD. This is just the latest in a string of festival accolades for the light-hearted Western starring Roy Clark and Mel Tillis which was Produced by Needtovent's very own Robert A. Nowotny. However, the highlight of the evening was the ground-breaking award presented to Mr. Nowotny for "Best Town Drunk" -- an admittedly unusual accolade and, based on extensive research by the staff at Needtovent, an award unparalleled in cinema history. Needless to say, Mr. Nowotny is deeply grateful for this esteemed, unprecedented recognition for his unforgettable, albeit short, screen appearance. He has told us his life is now complete.

The festival and the awards ceremony were held at the restored Brauntex Theater in the historic downtown section of New Braunfels — a venue which has special meaning to Mr. Nowotny since this is the theater he used to go to regularly during his youth, mostly on Saturday afternoons where the double–feature science fiction/horror programs kept him both highly entertained and safely off the street. How could you go wrong when 35 cents and a Dr Pepper bottle cap got you in the door? And let's not forget the time he locked braces with perky Carol Priesmeyer — but that's another story best told elsewhere…

SCUDERIA FERRARI AT ITS FINEST

2009-06-03T09:28:00.011-05:00

With all due apologies to Joyce Kilmer:

I think I shall never see
A more beautiful Ferrari...

This 1957 Ferrari 250 Testa Rossa once again blew away the competition, setting a world record for cars sold at auction when it fetched an eye-popping $12.1 million on Sunday, May 17, at the Leggenda e Passione, an event held on the sacred grounds of the Ferrari factory in Maranello, Italy. The Testa Rossa, chassis No. 0714TR, was the first of only 22 that were built. In its debut in competition it finished fourth at the Buenos Aires 1,000-kilometer race in 1958. More success followed as the Scaglietti designed speedsters went on to win 10 of the 19 international races they entered from 1959 to 1961.

The Testa Rossa, which translates to "red head" in Italian, beat the price set by another Ferrari, the 1961 250 GT SWB California Spider. That car was formerly owned by actor James Coburn and fetched $10.9 million last year.

They sure don't make 'em like they used to...

And don't just take my word for it. P. J. O'Rourke recently wrote in the weekend edition of "The Wall Street Journal" that the automobile has "ceased to be an object of desire and equipment for adventure and has turned into office, rec room, communications hub, breakfast nook and recycling bin -- a motorized cup holder. Americans, the richest people on earth, are currently stuck in the confines of their crossover SUVs, squeezed into less space than tech-support call-center employees in a Mumbai cubicle farm. I don't believe the pointy-head bureaucrats give a damn about climate change or gas mileage, much less about whether I survive a head-on with one of their tax-sucking mass-transit projects. All they want is to make me hate my car. How proud and handsome would Bucephalas look, or Traveler or Rachel Alexandra, with seat and shoulder belts, air bags, 5-mph bumpers and a maze of pollution control equipment under the tail?"

Well stated, Mr. O'Roarke. Virtually every automobile manufactured today is nothing more than tifosi tofu. Long live the Ferrari Testa Rosa, the Pontiac GTO, the Bugatti Veyron, the Shelby Mustang GT500, the Jaguar XK55 and all others who have the temerity to defy cup holders and idiot lights.

SIMON COWELL'S REPLACEMENT?

2009-05-19T05:37:00.004-05:00

A NEEDTOVENT EXCLUSIVE!

Could the rumors regarding Simon Cowell leaving AMERICAN IDOL at the end of this season be true? And if so, who might replace him?

This photograph, taken by a card-carrying member of the paparazzi at 10:22 p.m. Friday, May 16, is presented here for the first time ever. (Take that Associated Press, Reuters and National Inquirer).

Yes, rumors abound...

What we do know is that Danny Gokey, Matt Giraud, Alexis Grace, Anoop Desai, Michael Sarver, Megan Joy and Jasmine Murray all seem to be enjoying the evening with our very own Robert A. Nowotny, seen holding court in the dining room of the Downtown Los Angeles Marriott Hotel.

According to reliable eyewitnesses, Alexis told Robert that San Antonio was one of her favorite cities. Danny bent over backward in support of this photo being taken. And Michael very much enjoyed discussing movies, although he admitted that when it came to PALO PINTO GOLD he had no idea who Mel Tillis was. Roy Clark -- yes. And Kinky Friedman -- definitely.

Oh yes, and for those who were wondering, it was readily apparent that all of these AMERICAN IDOL contestants get along with one another extremely well. A good time was being had by all...

THE RADICALS

2009-05-14T08:33:00.019-05:00

Needtovent recently discovered a fabulous website dedicated to Norbert Weisser -- an extremely talented actor whose impressive list of credits can be accessed at IMDB.com. Having worked with Norbert while producing THE RADICALS we were especially pleased to learn that the page devoted to our film continues to be by far the single most popular posting on this website...

Reprinted with permission from www.norbert-weisser.com --

Two very powerful stories are woven together in the 1990 feature film THE RADICALS. It is the biographical account of Michael Sattler who founded the Anabaptist movement around 1525. The other story, one that is just as apparent, is the story of the absolute love and devotion that Michael and Margaretha Sattler had for each other.

The movie begins by reminding viewers that by 1525 the Roman Catholic Church had united Europe for over 1000 years and their authority was under attack. Reformation had split Europe into two worlds -- Catholic and Protestant. Peasants were rebelling against heavy taxes, and Turkish invaders threatened to overrun Europe.

This film covers a very brief period in the lives of spiritual martyrs Michael Sattler, portrayed by Norbert Weisser, and Margaretha, the beautiful Leigh Lombardi. They broke away from their religious order, were married and then began a quest to return the church to the morality of its early years. Michael and Margaretha's love and the deep, heartfelt connection they share is readily apparent throughout this entire film. Margaretha ended up losing her life because she believed in Michael's message and stood strongly beside him. Because she loved Michael as deeply as any woman could ever love a man, she could not renounce her beliefs or her love for him even though doing so would spare her life. Their efforts resulted in a movement the medieval world wasn't prepared to accept and stood ready to terminate -- by any means necessary.

(Producer Robert A. Nowotny portrays a Torture Victim in a scene in THE RADICALS)

Executive Producer Michael Hostetler and Producer Robert A. Nowotny won the CINE Golden Eagle Award in the History category for this movie. Other film festival honors include the Chris Award from the Columbus International Film & Video Festival (1990), the Silver Award presented by Worldfest-Houston (1989), and the Wilbur Award given to "the best faith-based film of the year" by the Religious Public Relations Council of America (1990). Liza Vann served as the Associate Producer and Director of Photography Michael K. Bucher was responsible for the terrific cinematography.

The movie is distributed by Gateway Films/Vision Video and is available from Amazon and other retailers. Included with the DVD is a copy of The Schleitheim Articles as authored on February 24, 1527. (Just as a trivia note, they also have a biographical DVD on Gladys Aylward, the English missionary woman who traveled to China in the 1930's, as played by Ingrid Bergman in the wonderful 1958 movie THE INN OF THE SIXTH HAPPINESS.)

Brief Biography of Michael Sattler

Michael Sattler was a monk who left the Roman Catholic Church during the Protestant Reformation to become one of the early leaders of the Anabaptist movement.

Born in approximately 1490 in Staufen, Germany, Sattler became a Benedictine monk in the cloister of St. Peter and most likely became prior by the time he left in 1525. That year he traveled to Zurich, which was then embroiled in controversy over infant baptism. He became associated with the Anabaptists and was probably rebaptised in the summer of 1526. He was involved in missionary activity around Horb and Rottenburg, and eventually traveled to Strasbourg. In February of 1527, he chaired a meeting of the Swiss Brethren at Schleitheim, and was particularly influential in developing the Schleitheim Confession, a declaration of Anabaptist belief.

(THE RADICALS is also available on VHS)

All of the costumes for the battle scene and the entire movie, over 700 people in all, were all sewn by volunteers -- primarily by women in Switzerland, for no pay. They wanted to be a part of the film because it had substance. Additionally, over twenty horses were provided for the movie for free by volunteers.

Filming was done in 15th century towns and villages in Switzerland, Germany, and in France, especially in and around Strasbourg.

Michael Hostettler grew up in a missionary family setting in Brazil and was quite interested in bringing forth this important story based on the book "Pilgrim Aflame," by Myron Augsberger. Screenwriters Joel Kauffmann and Darryl Wimberley ensured that the human story was featured just as prominently as the Anabaptist story, and paid particular attention to the love and devotion Michael and Margaretha Sattler had for each other, as well as telling the story of how they lived and ultimately died for their beliefs.

In the special featurette on the DVD, Robert Nowotny has a great story about their many attempts to get the weapons used in the battle scene, swords, lances and the like, from France into Switzerland because they didn't have the proper weapons permits in place. They finally managed to get them across a remote border crossing, and were able to proceed with the filming of the battle sequence.

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(Needtovent would like to thank the super-talented graphic designer Jane Bohon for her continued support of both Norbert Weisser and THE RADICALS at www.norbert-weisser.com. Not bad for a low budget, independent feature film that is now over 19 years old. How time flies...)

How About S&M Green Stamps?

2009-05-05T08:27:00.019-05:00

Needtovent recently ran across a very intriguing newspaper article from our fine friends at Reuters. I don't know about you, but I'm calling Lufthansa right away. After all, not since the fall of the Berlin Wall has something more exciting or enticing happened in what was known as "the Fatherland" prior to the advent of condoms and birth control pills.

The article is reprinted below with occasional commentary by Needtovent's staff. (We couldn't resist.)

DATELINE: BERLIN

It did not take long for the world financial crisis to affect the world's oldest profession in Germany.

In one of the few countries where prostitution is legal, and unusually transparent, the industry has responded with an economic stimulus package of its own: modern marketing tools, rebates and gimmicks to boost falling demand.

Some brothels have cut prices or added free promotions while others have introduced all-inclusive flat-rate fees. Free shuttle buses, discounts for seniors and taxi drivers, as well as "day passes" are among marketing strategies designed to keep business going.

Discounts for seniors! That's a hell of a lot better than the Early Bird Special at Luby's Cafeteria...

"Times are tough for us too," said Karin Ahrens, who manages the "Yes, Sir" brothel in Hanover. She told Reuters revenue had dropped by 30 percent at her establishment while turnover had fallen by as much as 50 percent at other clubs.

"We're definitely feeling the crisis. Clients are being tight with their money. They're afraid. You can't charge for the extras any more and there is pressure to cut prices. Everyone wants a deal. Special promotions are essential these days."

Germany has about 400,000 professional prostitutes. In 2002, new legislation allowed prostitutes to advertise and to enter into formal labor contracts. It opened the way for them to obtain health insurance, previously refused if they listed their true profession.

They have health insurance! All I can say is that I hope it is better than my Blue Cross Blue Shield coverage...

Annual revenues are about 14 billion euros ($18 billion), according to an estimate by the Verdi services union. Taxes on prostitution are an important source of income for some cities.

Now that's a tax I can live with...

Prostitution is also legal and regulated in the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Hungary, Greece, Turkey and in some parts of Australia, and the U.S. state of Nevada.

Texas once had a brothel or two as well. I hate Marvin Zindler...

In other countries, such as Luxembourg, Latvia, Denmark, Belgium and Finland, prostitution is legal but brothels and pimping are not.

Berlin's "Pussy Club" has attracted media attention with its headline-grabbing "flat rate" -- a 70-euro admission charge for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.

That's quite possibly the best deal since Roosevelt...

"Our offer might sound like it's too good to be true, but it's real. You can eat as much as you want, drink as much as you want and have as much sex as you want."

Other novel ideas used by brothels and prostitutes include loyalty cards, group sex parties and rebates for golf players.

Golf players! I wonder if you get a mulligan if you come too quickly...

Ecki Krumeich, manager of upmarket Artemis Club in Berlin, said he resisted pressure to cut prices, although senior citizens and taxi drivers get a 50-percent discount on the 80-euro admission fee on Sundays and Mondays.

"Naturally, we're keeping an eye on the overall economic situation and making contingency plans," said Krumeich, who said his "wellness club" is one of the largest in Europe with about 70 prostitutes. Our philosophy is: we provide an important service and even in a recession there are some things people won't do without. Just about everyone's turning to advertising in one form or another. If the consumer electronics shop and the optician come out with rebates and special promotions, why shouldn't we try the same thing?"

Well that settles it. I've finally found something I can afford to do with my buddy Max Mosley after Formula 1 races.

THE BABY FOOD DUDE

2009-05-03T11:36:00.020-05:00

Step aside Mr. Jared S. Fogle. You too, Mr. Morgan Spurlock.

Yes, there's no denying that Subway Jared's weight-loss regimen has propelled him to considerable fame and a very decent income stream. And Spurlock's successful film, SUPER SIZE ME, certainly gained both notoriety and, quite possibly, brought about a major policy change by the burgermeisters at the Golden Arches. But, as any self-respecting foodie knows, a good pu-pu platter has more than two enticing appetizers to choose from, and Needtovent welcomes the addition of a newcomer to the sub-genre known as "food for thought" films -- he's a gastronomical guru, a gangly Gerber goober named Brice Tea, aka THE BABY FOOD DUDE.

On the surface THE BABY FOOD DUDE appears to be just a silly, lightweight comedy that is so stupid in places it makes the screenplay for DUMB AND DUMBER read like the Magna Carter. But, surprisingly, there's some real "meat" (for lack of a better word) to this low-budget, light-hearted indie production that on the surface appears to be nothing more than lightweight fare for the faculty impaired. Mr. Tea, however, is anything but a lightweight, at least at the beginning of what becomes a grand experiment. You see, Mr. Tea is determined to lose weight and so he tries a bizarre method that, honestly, only someone with a slightly demented mind could conceive -- that being a baby food-only diet for 40 days and 40 nights. Biblical? No. Umbilical? Maybe. And it certainly seems like an immensely immature, impulsive, implausible, impractical, imprudent, even imbecilic way to loose weight. But it is not immoral, as this film has nothing to do whatsoever with Russ Meyer's THE IMMORAL MR. TEAS -- a must-see film with enough eye candy to even satiate Mr. Peepers.

But, as Jerry L. Nelson would say, I digress...

Weighing in at a portly 245 pounds before the grand experiment, Mr. Tea tallied an impressive weight loss of 29.4 pounds in those forty days. Perhaps just as important is the fact that this man's cholesterol dropped from 174 to 137. Not bad, not bad at all...

Accompanying Mr. Tea on his journey from Texas to Los Angeles, to San Francisco, to Las Vegas to New Orleans and back is his real brother, Herb Tea, who plays a quasi-retard whose addled outlook on life provides, on several occasions, surprising insight. In addition, a fellow musician named Boogie tags along until he's unceremoniously left behind to fend for himself. With his abandonment, Brice and Herb find several willing drummers along the way who join in the outrageous ditties played by their band, the "Cool Arrows." (When saying the band's name out loud Spanish-speaking citizens will surely get a laugh...) As for the staff at Needtovent, the Cool Arrows remind us of our favorite Texas ensemble -- the World's Most Politically Incorrect Band -- Feo Y Loco. Dr. Demento and all Feoheads everywhere will appreciate these moronic musicians and their music which, despite the absurd lyrics, is quite catchy and appropriate for the siblings' shenanigans.

As much a road movie as a dietary experiment, Brice's journey has him breaking an unofficial world's record eating baby weenies (shades of Takeru Kobayashi) as well as setting another remarkable record, being the first man ever to eat baby food while standing simultaneously in two countries at once. Bet you've never seen that before. And while "the wheels of the bus go round and round," transporting us across vast stretches of the U.S. of A., we meet a fantastic array of miscellaneous misfits, including a black midget, a gold man, a redheaded fantasy girl and a terrific Ozzy Osbourne impersonator (Randy Hanson) whose randy portrayal of Sharon's wayward hubby reminds us all to "remember the Alamo," although the Daughters of the Texas Republic may not approve...

For a very low-budget effort, special mention must go to the excellent outdoor cinematography. The various scenes of Brice spooning out a baby food bottle in front of the Grand Canyon and the Golden Gate Bridge, in particular, are stunning. Believe it or not, but the same holds true for some of the forground shots of Brice atop the porcelain throne attached to the back of the brothers' bus. (Apparently the one down side of an all baby food diet is a devilish case of diarrhea. I do believe Mr. Tea could have posed for Auguste Rodin were he still alive). Other kudos must go to Troy Gunther's droll narration and to Rose Lee Tea who poignantly portrays a mother's trying, but loving acceptance of her children who have yet to grow up. This is a very special performance, indeed.

THE BABY FOOD DUDE will be screened at the historic Brauntex Theater in Downtown New Braunfels, Texas during the Texandance International Film Festival on Friday, June 5th at 11:30 p.m. We can't think of a better way to spend seven bucks. After all, wouldn't you like to meet meet Mr. Tea -- the non compos mentis filmmaker extraordinaire?

More information regarding this film can be found at www.thebabyfooddude.com.

THE ENIGMA OF KASPAR HAUSER

2009-03-13T10:44:00.011-05:00

"Do you not hear this horrible scream all around you that people usually call silence?"

Werner Herzog is the most fascinating, uncompromising and inspiring motion picture director of our time. Among his fifty-plus credits are such unforgettable films as AGUIRRE: THE WRATH OF GOD (1972), FITZCARRALDO (1982), WHERE THE GREEN ANTS DREAM (1984), MY BEST FIEND (1999) and RESCUE DAWN (2006). He is the only feature film director to have made a film on every continent, and over the years he has racked up nearly five dozen major awards and nominations for his work worldwide. Among these accolades are the Grand Jury Award and the Prize of the Ecumenical Jury presented at the 1974 Cannes Film Festival for his profound, frighteningly insightful THE ENIGMA OF KASPAR HAUSER -- truly one of Herzog's most memorable and intriguing features.

Based on a true story, Kaspar Hauser was a mysterious historical figure who, one morning in 1823, appeared standing frightened and motionless in a town square clutching a Bible and an anonymous letter. This young man, probably in his late teens or early twenties, was barely able to walk and was totally uneducated -- the result of being chained to the floor of an isolated stone tower his entire life. There was no human contact of any kind; he was slipped a tray of food at night while asleep so he could not see or interact with those responsible for his incarceration. Furthermore, the only light reaching his solitary cell came from a small opening too high for him to look out. As a result, this young man had never previously seen a tree or a bird or another living organism other than perhaps an occasional spider and, possibly, rats. Barely able to walk, and totally uneducated, Kaspar Hauser is soon extensively examined, exploited, mocked and ultimately killed by a member of a society in which he found himself forceably immersed.

Herzog brilliantly presents a parade of so-called experts who attempt to assess and classify this unfortunate, nescient stranger into some type of scientific pigeonhole which would conform to their preconceived understanding of human nature and the manner in which knowledge is acquired and then processed. This array of notable scientists and philosophers recognized that Kaspar Hauser represented a unique specimen of a man living in a pure, natural, uncivilized state. Their collective failure, however, to even begin to understand this "enigma" leads to the notion that, possibly, none of mankind's accumulated knowledge may really have any meaning at all. There is no other director alive who would even attempt to explore this premise -- none.

In portraying the enormous grind endured by an outcast struggling to make his way into the "established" world, Herzog found a perfect metaphor for his own personal struggles within the film business. "You have to be daring to do things like this, because the world is not easily accepting of filmmaking. There will always be some sort of an obstacle, and the worst of all obstacles is the spirit of bureaucracy. You have to find your way to battle bureaucracy. You have to outsmart it, to outgut it, to outnumber it, to outfilm them -- that's what you have to do."

Bruno S. is fantastic in the title role. For a period of twenty-three years this troubled man found himself institutionalized in one mental institution after another, frequently escaping only to be caught and incarcerated again. When Herzog met Bruno he was dividing his time as a street performer and a forklift operator. Only Herzog would be so bold as to cast someone like this for the title character in a motion picture -- but, once again, Herzog's films have never depended on "acting" in the conventional sense. Rather, he focuses on individuals who embody the essence of the character and can portray that essence with raw, unbridled intensity. "There are certain laws and elements that make a film more accessible to mainstream audiences. If you've got Tom Cruise playing a strongman, I'm sure it would have larger audiences, but it wouldn't have the same substance."

The original title for this motion picture was EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF AND GOD AGAINST ALL. That, of course, was too esoteric for American audiences. But thanks to the unwavering determination of Werner Herzog, the title was the only thing changed when the film crossed the Atlantic. And think about this -- had this story been adapted for the screen by someone like Robert Zemeckis or Steven Spielberg or just about anyone else for that matter, we would have had to endure Tom Hanks in the lead role.

Substance be damned...the Hollywood way.

MARCH MADNESS

2009-03-04T08:52:00.007-06:00

It's that time of year again -- March Madness is just around the corner and the science of Bracketology will once more take precedence over such mundane disciplines as cancer research or a cure for restless leg syndrome. A key question, of course, is who will follow in the footsteps of Valpariso or Dayton or George Mason. Another Cinderella is surely on the horizon...

Which brings me to perhaps the biggest basketball upset since 1971. To be more precise, the date was January 5, 1971. The place was Martin, Tennessee. The winning shot just before the buzzer was made by a diminutive five foot seven inch guard named Klotz. The final score was 100-99. The victorious team broke what is surely the longest continuous, unbroken winning streak in history -- a staggering 2,499 games -- and they have not won since.

The losers? None other than the Harlem Globetrotters.

The winners? The Washington Generals, a team formed in 1952, by none other than Louis "Red" Klotz after Globtrotters' owner Abe Saperstein invited him to assemble a worthy adversary to accompany his team on their worldwide tours. Over the ensuing decades, Klotz has served as owner, player and coach for this team named in honor of Dwight D. Eisenhower. Unlike Ike, however, Klotz was once labeled by SPORTS ILLUSTRATED "The General Whose Army Never Wins."

(Indisputable proof that the Generals are "hexed")

Actually, Klotz's teams have won a total of six games against the Globetrotters, but with a winning percentage of .0000769 Klotz will never challenge Coack K. or Pat Summit for hardwood glory. But who else has lost games in front of popes, kings, queens, Kruschev or the Shah of Iran? Who else has endured losing a basketball game on aircraft carriers, in bullrings, on soccer fields, in prisons, in South Dakota, in the deep end of a large swimming pool or in a leper colony? And they say Cameron Arena is a tough place to play...

Samuel Beckett once exhorted: "Fail better."

With losses in over 100 countries and literally thousands of cities, towns and villages in North America, Louis "Red" Klotz continues to do exactly that.

PARIS, JE T'AIME

2009-02-26T08:41:00.019-06:00

PARIS, JE T'AIME is an incandescent portrait of the City of Lights. Comprising eighteen short films which average a mere eight minutes each, this cinematic omnibus is a highly entertaining, loving tour through eighteen separate and distinct Parisian quarters as seen through the unique stylistic vision of twenty renowned directors. (Two of the films were co-directed.)

Producers Emmanuel Benbihy and Claudie Ossard are to be congratulated for undertaking such an ambitious project. With a stellar cast that includes Marianne Faithful, Bob Hoskins, Miranda Richardson, Juliette Binoche, Willem Dafoe, Nick Nolte, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Elijah Wood, among many, many more, each segment is markedly unique although the one common theme is that each of these vivid, kaleidoscopic views portrays someone who is either in love in Paris or in love with Paris -- arguably the most romantic city in the world -- Bulverde, Texas notwithstanding.

One of the highlights is TUILERIES, co-directed by the Cohen Brothers, starring Steve Buscemi as a typically clueless American tourist who unintentionally captures the attention of a young woman in the bowels of the Paris subway system, much to the chagrin of her paranoid lover.

Another highlight for this reviewer was TOUR EIFFEL, a charming, almost giddy tale of mimes in love directed by Sylvain Chomet (two-time Oscar winner for animation). To find myself thoroughly enjoying this particular valentine is a testament to Chomet's talented directing skills as I generally find anything to do with mimes to be as irritating as Topo Gigio or Sean Hannity.

Perhaps the most unusual segment is QUARTIER DE LA MADELEINE, a stylish pop-art vampire romp that may seem out of place among the other films, but Hell's bells, vampires need love, too. And the beauty of a short film anthology is that if one of the films doesn't appeal to you personally, it is only a matter of minutes before another totally different story unfolds on the screen. Hey, who doesn't like a "quickie?"

Of course, every pu pu platter has that one delicious morsel that trumps all the other offerings, and in my opinion 14TH ARRONDISSEMENT is not only the last segment, it is the most enchanting. Alexander Payne (SIDEWAYS, ABOUT SCHMIDT) begins his story as a humorous look at an unsophisticated, frumpy, dumpy American tourist, played by Margo Martindale (Ma Cox in WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY, along with over sixty other credits) which subtly transforms into something totally different, concluding on a poignant, surprising, wistful note. Just like puffing on a Gauloises after a "nooner," this is the perfect way to end this wonderful collection of cinematic quickies.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO FOR SPRING BREAK

2009-02-20T13:25:00.017-06:00

As some of you know, I was born and raised in central Texas. In the mid-1960s, my little hometown decided to erect new highway signs at the city limits on all roads to New Braunfels. These decorative and expensive signs were adorned by a little grandfatherly cartoon Kraut in lederhosen who, as I recall, was smoking a pipe. This full-color image of a German "Opa" was designed to coincide with the heritage of German settlers who chose this area because the moss on the trees reminded them of sauerkraut and the crystal clear waters of the Comal River (often referred to as "The Shortest River In The World") provided cool refreshment and sustenance from the hot Texas sun.

Of course, these darling city limits signs were immediately stolen by misguided miscreants as soon as they were replaced, and so several years later both the City Council and the Chamber of Commerce surrendered and the signs no longer marked the entrance to this charming village with a cenral plaza that Norman Rockwall would have loved and with a high school whose unique mascot was the Unicorn. Make that a "Fightin' Unicorn."

Surprisingly, the fine students at NBHS never took to adopting a one-digit, graphic hand gesture as a symbol of Unicorn pride. After all, the University of Texas is just 70 miles up the interstate where the beloved "Hook 'em Horns" sign is embraced by Bevo and Longhorn fans worldwide. Seems like "shooting the finger" would provide a little festive phalange fun for New Braunfels High School students and alumni alike. Then again, descendants from the Fatherland aren't known for their sense of humor.

But I digress.

In case you haven't already done so, take a close look at the map above. When you do, you'll find a small village with a most unusual name. Austria is known for its strudel, hills that are filled with the sound of music, and being the birthplace of that charming little fellow named Adolph Hitler. Step aside Pennsylvania -- you may have Blue Balls and Intercourse, but Austria has you topped.

Welcome to Fucking.

I wonder what Lenny Bruce would think. I wonder what George Carlin would say. I'm wondering what Paris Hilton will do when she learns about this place.

Lots of other thoughts cross my mind. For example, I wonder what the Fucking High School's sports teams are named. Let's see -- charming Williams College in Williamstown, Massachusetts calls their team the "Ephs." (I don't know why.) Yep, the Fucking Ephs (or even the Fucking A's -- as in Oakland) might work, but I kinda think that the Athletic Director at Fucking High School may have looked elsewhere, perhaps all the way to L.A., and thus he may have selected the name "Trojans." For Pete's sake, I hope he did.

No matter what the village is like or what their high school teams call themselves, not all is idyllic. As the following newspaper article clearly describes, there seems to be a bit of a crime problem:

It is obvious that Chief Kommandant Schmidtberger believes this is a major problem, but on the other hand this could actually become a public relations bonanza. And so I think back to my home town of New Braunfels which once experienced a similar "problem." My suggestion would be for the Fucking City Council and the Fucking Chamber of Commerce to go ahead and embellish their signs by adding a little grandfatherly cartoon Kraut in lederhosen. But instead of holding a pipe, I think this "Opa" should be giving the hand gesture for the "Fightin' Unicorns" instead.

No -- I don't expect this will stop thieves from stealing the signs, quite the contrary. I'm certain misguided miscreants, English and otherwise, would steal them at even a faster clip. But the attendant publicity would be enormous and I'm betting that college students worldwide would quickly discover a brand new place to go to do you know what...

THE REAL BETTY BOOP

2009-02-17T15:02:00.014-06:00

"With a head like a giant peanut, vast mascara'd eyes, too-kissable lips, baby-doll voice, flattened marcelled hair, and mere threads of a dress exposing miles of hot flesh, she was the perfect celluloid sex toy."
(Brightlightsfilm.com)

I don't know about the "giant peanut" head, but there's no denying that Betty Boop is one hot mama. In fact, the Intergalactic World Headquarters for Needtovent has three (yes, count 'em -- 3) framed Betty Boops adorning the walls. Originally created by Fleischer Studios animator Grim Natwick as a canine side-kick for a cartoon dog named Bimbo, Betty morphed into the sexy gal we all know and love today in "Betty Co-Ed," the first of over one hundred Boop cartoons that followed. The year was 1932, and with a figure modeled after Mae West and a singing style "borrowed" from Helen Kane, she became the most alluring cartoon Betty of them all. (Admittedly Betty Rubble was pretty hot as well...certainly more enticing than Wilma Flintstone when you stop and think about it).

But what do you know about the real-life Betty?

As previously mentioned, her name was Helen Kane. Born August 4, 1904, Ms. Kane was a popular American singer, best known for her "Boop-Boop-a-Doop" trademark and her signature song, "I Wanna Be Loved By You".

It has been reported that Kane's mother reluctantly paid $3.00 for her daughter's costume as a queen in Kane's first theatrical role at school. This meager expense proved to be a wise investment; Helen went on to perform professionally onstage with the Marx Brothers not too long after she reached her fifteenth birthday.

As she took on the status of a singing sensation there were Helen Kane dolls and Helen Kane look-alike contests, appearances on radio and in nightclubs in addition to her continuing to tour the Orpheum Circuit. By late 1928 and early 1929 she had a huge cult following. With the advent of the Betty Boop cartoons, however, Helen began to feel her celebrity status was being infringed upon and she sued Paramount Studios and Max Fleischer charging "unfair competition and wrongful appropriation." Unfortunately, she lost this $250,000 lawsuit, and although she continued to perform, her popularity was never the same. Ms. Kane died September 26, 1966.

"I Wanna Be Loved By You"

You are Ms. Boop and Ms. Kane -- we at Needtovent love everything about you both.

(Come to think about it, we love peanuts also...)

PEG ENTWISTLE

2009-02-02T10:31:00.019-06:00

Needtovent is pleased to announce a new series which we will simply call FASCINATING WOMEN OF THE PAST. Our first installment concerns the young actress who became a symbol of failure and tragedy -- Hollywood Style.

Meet Peg Entwistle...

On Friday, September 16, 1932, Ms. Entwistle jumped to her death from the "H" of the famous Hollywood sign (which then read "Hollywoodland"). Her body lay in the 100-foot ravine below until it was found two days later. Acting on an anonymous tip, a detective and two radio car officers found the body of a blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman who was moderately well-dressed. She remained unidentified for over two days until her uncle saw a newspaper article which provided a description of the event including a reprint of the suicide note that was simply signed with the initials "P.E."

After identifying her body, Harold Entwistle filled in some of the blanks for authorities and the press. Apparently Entwistle was upset at not being able to impress the studios, and she told her uncle that she was going to walk to a nearby drugstore and then visit friends. Instead, she made her way up the southern slope of Mount Lee, near her uncle's home, to the foot of the Hollywoodland sign. After placing her coat, shoes and purse containing the suicide note at the base of the sign, she made her way up a workman's ladder to the top of the "H". The cause of death was listed by the coroner as "multiple fractures of the pelvis."

Peg Entwistle's suicide note read:

"I am afraid, I am a coward. I am sorry for everything. If I had done this a long time ago, it would have saved a lot of pain. P.E."

Ironically, several days later Entwistle's uncle opened a letter addressed to her from the Beverly Hills Playhouse; it was mailed the day before she jumped. In it was an offer for her to play the lead role in a stage production in which her character would commit suicide in the final act.

But that's not the end of the story.

In the years following Peg's suicide, hikers and park rangers in Griffith Park have reported some pretty strange happenings in the vicinity of the Hollywood sign. Many have reported sightings of a woman dressed in 1930’s era clothing who abruptly vanishes when approached. She has been described as a very attractive, blond woman, who seems very sad. Could this be Peg’s ghost, still making her presence known? Could she also be linked to the pungent smell of gardenia perfume which has been known to overwhelm sightseers in the park? Perhaps it is, as the gardenia scent was known to be Peg’s trademark perfume.

In 1990, a North Hollywood man and his girlfriend were walking on a Beachwood Canyon trail near the Hollywood sign with their dog when the animal suddenly began to act very strange. Instead of running around on the trail and through the brush as he normally did, he began to whine and hang back near the couple. They had never seen him act that way before and could find no cause until they spotted a lady walking nearby. One thing they noticed about her was that she was wearing clothing from the 1930’s. However, thinking that you could see anything in Hollywood, they didn’t pay much attention.

The lady however, seemed to be walking in a daze. Thinking that perhaps she was drunk or on drugs, they started to steer clear of her when she suddenly just faded away before their eyes. At that time, they had no idea who Peg Entwistle was, nor that she had committed suicide nearby, or even that her ghost reportedly haunted the area.

Another eyewitness is a Griffith Park ranger named John Arbogast. In an published interview, he revealed his own encounters with the ghost of Peg Entwistle. He stated that she normally made her presence known very late at night, especially when it was foggy, and always in the vicinity of the Hollywood sign. He also claimed to have encountered the scent of gardenias in the area as well. “I have smelled it several times,” he said, “and always when any flowers around have been closed because of cold weather. I don’t think I have ever smelled it in the summer time.”

Arbogast’s duties as a ranger often involved the Hollywood sign itself. He explained that in recent years, alarms systems have been installed near the sign to keep people away from it. There is always a danger of vandals, and of course, potential suicides. The alarm systems incorporate the use of motion detectors and lights to keep intruders away.

Arbogast recalled a number of times when the alarm system indicated that someone was close to the sign, even though a check by the ranger revealed no one was there. “There have been times when I have been at the sign,” he said, “and the motion detectors say that someone is standing five feet away from me...only there’s nobody there.”

So, what could have made Peg Entwistle choose to end her life in such a dramatic and violent way? No one knows, but we have to wonder. The Hollywood slogan states that the sign exists as a symbol of hope, so that those who answer the siren call of Hollywood will know that anything in the city is possible. But did Peg glimpse that sign one evening, after spending the day going from one pointless casting call to another, and see it not as a symbol of hope, but one of despair? Did she feel that sign mocking her, laughing that so many others had made it in the movies...so why couldn’t she?

Did the glowing lights of the sign remind her of why she had come to Hollywood, chasing the bright lights she would never catch up to? Or did she just want to go out in a way that people would remember? Unfortunately, we may never know...

Before closing, it is also worth noting that Peg's ex-husband, Robert Keith, had a son, Brian, from a prior marriage. Peg's brief stepson Brian Keith grew up to become a famous actor, best known for his role as "Uncle Bill" on the hit TV show, "Family Affair." Brian Keith also committed suicide in 1997.

(This fascinating story was initially brought to our attention by Frank's Reel Reviews, Findadeath.com and Wikipedia -- selected passages from each of these websites were reprinted in the preparation of this posting)

PALO PINTO GOLD

2009-01-19T16:13:00.012-06:00

Needtovent is pleased to announce the domestic DVD release of PALO PINTO GOLD today, January 20, 2009. For those of us involved in the making of this lighthearted Western film it is just as much a "Super Tuesday" as it is for the millions attending the inauguration festivities in and around Washington, D.C.

We are also quite excited about our festival premiere this past weekend where PALO PINTO GOLD won "Best Western" and "Best Director" at the Trail Dance Film Festival. Although Trail Dance is only in its third year, it was recently named by Movie Maker Magazine "one of the 25 Top Film Festivals in North America."

Yes, these past few days have been quite rewarding...

For those of you unfamiliar with PALO PINTO GOLD, here's a brief description which appears on the back of the DVD package:

A newspaper reporter (Rodney Lay) seeks the real story behind the biggest gunfight in Texas history. Two old men (Roy Clark and Mel Tillis) are more than willing to tell him what they know -- just as long as their thirst is quenched. Seems the 1880s in the Lone Star State was a dangerous time because of men like the shady Shane Stocksteal (Glynn Praesel), a man so slick, so sleazy he can make a "fart smell like a fifty-cent tulip." But thanks to a dedicated Texas Ranger (Trent Willmon) and a beautiful, but spunky farm girl (Joanna Goode), the bad guys bite the dust, the good guys prevail, law and order is restored, justice is served and the hero gets the girl. So saddle up friends and neighbors for some "Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' Two-Gun Fun." (Dr. Bruce, Quality Broadcasting)

(Kinky Friedman and Producer Robert A. Nowotny on the set of PALO PINTO GOLD)

Since we helped produce PALO PINTO GOLD we did not think it was kosher to review it on our website -- tempted as we were. However, we can report that Bob Polunski (Primetime Newspapers) called PALO PINTO GOLD "Delightul...a Western, just like they used to make 'em." And with a MPAA Rating of PG-13, Rodney Hayden (Honky-Tonk Performer Par Excellence) declared, "It's like a Disney Western!"

You can find DVDs at Blockbuster, Barnes & Noble, Best Buy, Target, Amazon.com, Overstock.com and HEB. So why not get a copy and see what all the fuss is about? As Governor Kinky Friedman says, "Why the hell not?"

PINHEADED PETAPHILES

2009-01-14T14:07:00.013-06:00

(Ashley Byrne, PETA Campaign Coordinator, Takes The Stage To Announce A Major New Public Relations Endeavor)

Yes, there are many among us who belive that the organization known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (aka PETA) is a bit wacky, but the latest announcement of a campaign to have us refer to fish as sea kittens is nothing short of being absurd.

Yes, "Sea Kittens" is the new term now being used by PETA for the creatures they assume are in dire need of an image makeover.

According to Ms. Byrne, PETA believes that by renaming "fish" compassionate people who would never dream of hurting a dog or a cat might extend that sympathy to a dapper young snapper, or should I say sea kitten?

Byrne went on to say that rebranding fish as sea kittens was obvious.

"Fish not only have the same ability to feel pain as a dog or a cat, but they also communicate with one another. They have complex social interactions; they form bonds; they express affection by gently rubbing against one another."

The PETA campaign boasts a colorful, interactive Web site aimed at children and their parents. It offers sea kitten bedtime stories and a design-your-own sea kitten in hopes it will build compassion in families.

As a final argument for this new campaign, Ms. Byrne stated, "Most parents would never dream of spending a weekend torturing kittens for fun with their families, but hooking a sea kitten through the mouth and dragging her through the water is the same as hooking a kitten through the mouth and dragging her behind your car."

So far PETA has only promoted the campaign in North Carolina, but plans to take it nationwide soon.

You know, I don't think that we at Needtovent.com are the only ones who think PETA is stupid.

PARADISE LOST

2009-01-13T09:51:00.011-06:00

Welcome to today's Texas Hill Country. What was once considered the most desirable area to live in the Lone Star State has, indeed, become PARADISE LOST thanks to the explosive, uncontrolled and malignant growth of subdivisions on virtually every hilltop and hillside to accomodate the tens of thousands of HillBillyBobs arriving every year.

There's plenty of money to be made by the bulimic builders and the rapacious realtors who have raped the landscape for personal profit, aided, of course, by the concupiscent Chamber of Commerce who still has the temerity to describe the area as "a majestic wonderland blessed with rolling ranges of countless peaks and valleys."

Oh yes, the Chamber also claims a "reliable" water supply. Please note they didn't use the word "abundant." This is the only honest statement ever made by this ostentatious organization -- with continued, unfettered growth the one thing we can all count on to be "reliable" is that the demand for water will far surpass the availability.

Talk about getting one's just deserts...

STRAIGHT FORWARD

2009-01-09T10:41:00.016-06:00

In this stylish, independently-financed film noir, Screenwriter Stacia Crawford brings to the screen an intriguing tale of predatory deceit, revenge and murder set in the Golden Era of Hollywood when studio moguls controlled the lives of everyone working under their iron-clad contracts. And speaking of moguls, Crawford's script is filled with more twists and turns than those caused by the moguls carved on the legendary Exhibition Ski Run at Sun Valley.

At first glance, the well-crafted, complex story in STRAIGHT FORWARD concerns a successful screenwriter and his aging movie star wife who are having trouble conceiving a child of their own. Together they conceive (pun intended) a plan to hold a series of open auditions to find an unknown actor to become the lead in their next motion picture project. However, acting ability is of no consequence to this couple as they are actually looking for a downtrodden loner with no family and no friends who the aging starlet can seduce and then dispense with -- permanently. A young film executive, the son of the studio head, and his personal assistant are the only others who are in on this deadly deception. Unfortunately, the young loner they end up choosing has ambitious plans of his own, and he may be aided by an accomplice -- someone with drive, determination and a dangerous hidden agenda as well.

The ensemble cast is uniformally excellent. Kristen Vermilyea does a superb job playing Eileen, the aging movie star. She also shares producing credit with Ms. Crawford who portrays Maggie, the young secretary who is much more complex than what appears on the surface. Lev Gorn's performance as the screenwriter is solid, as is Gabe Fazio's in the role of the licentious loner. Rounding out the cast are Tony Luke, Jr. as the sheriff (think Buford T. Justice does noir) and Jennifer McCabe, whose frenetic performance as the crafty, crazy neighbor steals most of the scenes she's in.

STRAIGHT FORWARD is Director Jason Noto's feature film debut. He does an admirable job and has since gone on to directing two additional feature-length motion pictures; a just reward for a job well done. Assisting Noto in effectively capturing this time period with extremely limited resources is Sean Duhame. Mr. Duhame is credited as both the Production Designer and the Art Director and he, too, has gone on to additional projects including considerably larger budgeted films such as 21 and THE PINK PANTHER 2.

The past few years have been extremely hard on everyone operating in the low-budget, independent arena. According to the New York Times, the Sundance Film Festival, originally established to be the showcase for small, independent productions, now receives over 2,600 feature film submissions each year. Of this number, only around 120 -- fewer than five percent -- are selected for screening. And of these, maybe ten will be picked up for any kind of theatrical distribution. The hard, cold truth is that these numbers just scratch the surface. For example, most distributors receive somewhere between 40 and 100 completed feature films per month to evaluate for possible acquisition. Generally speaking, two or three might be lucky enough (at best) to be acquired for limited DVD distribution. Accordingly, it is an extremely noteworty accomplishment for any low-budget, independent project to secure distribution of any kind.

Needtovent salutes the cast and crew of STRAIGHT FORWARD in producing an entertaining, well-produced feature film that is a terrific example of what can be accomplished when every single penny matters. And a big salute, also, to distributors like Echelon Studios who continue to keep the independent spirit alive so audiences can "see what films are made of when they are not made of money." (Quote from Worldfest-Houston)

(STRAIGHT FORWARD can be purchased from Echelon Studios and Singa Home Entertainment. To order a DVD go to www.singahe.com.)

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER

2009-01-08T13:11:00.015-06:00

(They say a man's home is his castle. This is mine...)

One definition of a "B Movie" is that when a door slams, the walls tremble. Well, it's one thing to see a "B Movie," another to appear in one as an actor, and yet another to actually produce one. I've done all of these to one extent or another, but I also now find myself living in a "B Movie" -- literally.

Let me explain ---

In 1960, Roger Corman brought to the motion picture screen in marvelous CinemaScope a truly chilling cinematic experience -- THE HOUSE OF USHER, Edgar Allan Poe's overwhelming tale of evil, decadence and torment. There is no external monster or villain in this stylish, supernatural horror story, rather it is the house itself that possess such cadaverous gloom and depravity that it is literally collapsing under the weight of Satanic, self-destructive forces left behind by the evilness of those who built it.

Which brings me to the Nowotny Homestead located at Latitude 29 50' 56" N, Longitude 90 27' 07" W. You see, I, too, live in a home that is literally falling apart thanks to a totally disreputable builder whose shameful, slovenly and slipshod construction work leaves me just as cataclysmically condemned as Roderick Usher (Vincent Price in one of his best performances).

You may be surprised to learn that the construction company involved wasn't Kaufman & Broad. Nor was it Pulte or David Weekly or Centex or even the dreaded D. R. Horton hombres. Let's just say that the Satanic, self-destructive forces left behind by the evilness of the "builder" responsible for my crumbling cardboard castle was just an ordinary Joe.

Terrifying fear beyond human comprehension prohibits me from naming names, but here's a hint: If you ever see a concrete driveway being reinforced with dental floss instead of rebar, or if you run across interior walls painted thinner than (you guessed it) a Republican's lips, or if you happen to notice a stucco exterior with more exposed cracks than a plumber's convention, I'll bet a breakfast taco that the buckaroo in charge is the same bumbling bozo responsible for my abysmal abode.

Bring out the catafalque and the coffin -- like Mr. Price, my days are doomed thanks to "The Ungodly...The Evil...HOUSE OF USHER" (Comal County Version).

What's Uglier Than A Bob Stoops Hickey?

2009-01-04T11:25:00.009-06:00

"The Kunsthaus Graz sits among the renaissance apartment buildings of the old city, contrasting them without threatening to destroy them -- hence its nickname, "The Friendly Alien." (Reprinted from an Official Austrian Tourist Guidebook)

You gotta be kidding...

This contemporary art museum was built in the Austrian city of Graz in 2003. The entire staff at Needtovent can't help but believe that the residents living nearby are constantly reminded of the Tagline for THE BLOB -- "It crawls... It creeps... It eats you alive!"

Clearly architects Peter Cook and Colin Fournier have brought to the land of schnitzel, schnapps and strudel what director Irwin S. Yearworth, Jr. brought to rural Pennsylvania. Gott im Himmel -- are zoning laws verboten among Hitler's children?

(We wonder what Steve McQueen thinks...)

WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

2008-12-29T09:16:00.008-06:00

Needtovent is thrilled to report that our Smackdown comparing the 1951 classic version of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL with the highly anticipated 2008 edition has been ranked by Google Number One among 90,400 links to weblogs that reference these motion pictures. This Smackdown was first posted as a Guest Review for Bryce Zabel's Moviesmackdown.com and was added later that day to this blog as well as to Needtovent's official website -- www.Needtovent.com.

Being Number One out of 90,400 total postings is quite an honor, especially when one realizes that our review was listed ahead of such venerable websites as Wikipedia, the New York POST, Amazon, Blockbuster, IMDB, the Village Voice, Discover Magazine, Aintitcool and even the official Buddist film and television review website -- Buddhistchannel.tv.

We've always felt that Needtovent.com and Moviesmackdown.com combine to provide the very best film reviews and analysis on the internet. On Monday, December 29, 2008, Google made it official.

It's Martini Time!

FEO Y LOCO

2008-12-23T14:11:00.011-06:00

Last night I had a dream -- and with all due respect to Mr. King, it was a doozy, too. You see, I dreamt that a highly talented, totally outrageous musical ensemble would emerge from out of nowhere that would be bold enough, brazen enough to unabashedly attack "Political Correctness" with the same kind of reckless abandon that Bush exhibited when he attacked Baghdad. You know, just a little "shock and awe" for the au courants among us -- what few there are.

My dream band consisted of four guys (Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Marilyn Manson and Trey Parker) and three gals (Rusty Warren, Betty Page and Lisa Lampanelli).

Hey, it's my dream so just go along with it. O.K.?

When I awoke, I realized that my dream had already come true. (If only this would happen with my Anouk Aimee/back seat of a Citroen fantasy as well...)

Introducing FEYO Y LOCO, a Houston-based ebullient, eclectic, excoriating ensemble whose new album -- OVERNIGHT SUCCESS -- compliments their two previous offerings with more tour de force, hilarious hijinks that are sure to offend, yet again, PC Poobahs from Pocatello to Puntarenas. Among the deranged, daring, disavowing, deassimilation dazzlers found on OVERNIGHT SUCCESS are such clever, campy classics as BEN-WA BALLS, the bodacious ROADKILL BOOGIE, CORN IN THE MORNING ("When I see corn in the morning, I know I'm a regular guy") and the acappella anthem, THE BOOGER SONG. Yes, there's something for everyone, whether it be Dr. Demento, Wolfman Jack, Squeaky Fromme, a Mystic Light Rosicrucian, even a famous movie star like Schlitzie Metz. (As for B.P.O.E. members -- fugetaboutit. Guess you just can't please everybody...)

(Schlitzie Metz rockin' to the FEO Y LOCO paen to puberty -- SHE'S A SLUT)

For the record (pun intended), FEO Y LOCO is comprised of Tom Beard (towering almost 7 feet tall, Tom just might be the biggest guy in show business today), David Franklin, Jim Frye, Danny Lee, and the deliciously wicked trio of Shelley Burkett, Trisha Gerber and Jennifer Janek-Markey. Make no mistake, Tom Beard is not just another pretty, albeit enormous, face in the music business. This gentle giant has a fabulous vocal range which never fails to surprise -- even when one is totally sober! Add in a wide variety of musical styles, randy riffs and the occasional unexpected sound effect, and FEO Y LOCO is simply the best party band in the land. (I'm told that Paris Hilton has their phone number on speed dial.)

Be sure to check out the group's previous CDs as well. The original, FEO Y LOCO: EARLY FEO (1992), has been digitally re-mastered and RED NECK NECRO never sounded so salaciously sublime. Other tracks which especially touched the heart and soul of the Needtovent Staff are FAT GIRLS ("They're alright, they appreciate the night"), MICROWAVE CAT (a little dittie about a kitty -- banned by PETA -- but the calypso beat will have your foot a Tappan) and WHY DO I NEED YOU (When I've got my hand...") -- a masterful tune extolling the phallus/phalange palpitation paradigm.

OVERNIGHT SUCCESS and EARLY FEO CDs may be ordered from www.cdbaby.com. In addition, cdbaby also carries the 1994 album -- FEO Y LOCO: POLITICALLY INCORRECT, a third CD that is a must for all Feoheads as well. At a mere $12.97 each there is nothing out there that will provide more fun for less moola. In addition, you can also buy these albums and/or individual songs from your favorite download sites such as iTunes and Amazon.com.

Come to think of it, the Christmas Season is upon us and what better time than now to have FEO Y LOCO spread a little joy and happiness? Just ask Schlitzie Metz...

3 DAYS BLIND

2008-12-19T10:11:00.020-06:00

"Dying is easy, Comedy is hard."

(Did you know that the origin of this quote is in dispute? Many believe it was first uttered by the famous actor, Edmund Gwenn, who played Kris Kringle in MIRACLE ON 34th STREET. In any event, it really doesn't matter -- truer words have never been spoken.)

Yes, dying is easy and comedy is hard -- very hard -- and it is especially hard if the comedy in question is being done as an ensemble piece. In fact, one can argue that while there have been a number of successful ensemble comedies produced over the ages, they remain about as rare as a gun rack on a Toyota Prius. Let's see -- there's Renoir's THE RULES OF THE GAME (1939), Bunuel's THE DISCREET CHARM OF THE BOURGEOISIE (1972), several of Robert Altman's efforts, certainly Richard Linklater's DAZED AND CONFUSED and SLACKER qualify, along with IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD and FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. This list barely totals a half-dozen, and while I will readily admit there are additional titles that deserve both consideration and inclusion, it should be obvious that the ensemble film comedy constitutes a very difficult genre to master.

And so we come to 3 DAYS BLIND, a relatively low budget, independently financed ensemble comedy that completed principal photography on August 10, 2008, and is now entering its final days of post production. Needtovent is extremely excited about having the opportunity to screen 3 DAYS BLIND well in advance of its release, especially since we have heard good things about this project for many months. The wait has been worth it.

The somewhat deranged minds behind 3 DAYS BLIND belong to the Keith Brothers -- Clete, the Writer/Director and Christopher, credited as the Producer and the Editor. Together, this talented duo has crafted a rollicking, frolicking ribald romp that's just kinky enough for Mr. Friedman to name a cigar after them. The script is blessed with more unexpected, delectable surprises than a Pupu Platter in Phenom Phen even though the entire story takes place in the course of only three days in the life of a decidedly dysfuctional family (is there really any other kind?) who have gathered to celebrate their father's 75th Birthday. Unfortunately, things just seem to get in the way of a quiet family get-together, minor things like death and infidelity (one involving flesh-to-flesh contact and another one or two that substantiates the Dow Chemical Company's claim: "Better Living Through Chemistry") .

As is always the case with comedy films in particular, much of the success behind 3 DAYS BLIND can be attributed to the on-screen performances delivered by the ensemble cast that was assembled to flesh out (pun intended) the madcap antics envisioned by those quirky Keiths. And while none of the cast members are household names, yet, they comprise an experienced, highly energetic and winning collection of talented actors who are sure to win you over.

Rad Daly plays Cameron, a low-key quotidian Quixote whose seemingly simple quest is to bring home his sister and adopted brother so the Blinn family can throw a surprise Birthday party for their aging father. What transpires instead would make Cervantes cringe. Rad's previous screen credits include SHANGHAI NOON and CRIMSON TIDE, as well as the role of Michael Pusser in seven episodes of WALKING TALL.

Tarri Markell is Theresa, Cameron's sister, a struggling actress who constantly puts the ixnay to her husband's e-Bay. You've seen her in such films as NECESSARY EVIL, AIR MARSHALL and DEATH TRAIN. You can see more of her here, and we can assure you that her shapely bare backside rivals the sensuous beauty of a Stradivarius.

Theresa's husband is Clark, a sybaritic internet auction-addicted loser who eventually finds a little gratification with an inanimate, unnamed fellow who owes his existence to the Dow Laboratories in Delaware. Christopher Best plays Clark, and his previous credits include INSTANT TRAUMA, BAD COMPANY, and our personal favorite, the guy in the T-Bird in LOBSTER MAN FROM MARS -- a 1989 release that clawed its way to box-office obscurity.

Brett Anthony, best known for his portrayal of John Ritter in the NBC docudrama, "Behind The Scenes: The Unauthorized Story Of Three's Company" (2003), is cast as the adopted brother, Mickey, a rather bitter pothead with more demons than Malfeas. Who else but Mickey would be attacked from behind by a dishwasher? (This brief scene brings a whole new meaning to the Maytag brand.)

The Girl is Mickey's mysterious, nubile, oh-so-slinky traveling companion. Christy Reese is a relative newcomer, but her sexy, charismatic, comedic charm will surely find her cast in many films to come.

Regan Burns' portrayal of Police Officer Van is so droll it may very well rival Robert Cox's performances in Merrie Olde England in the seventeenth century. Burns' credits include many prime-time television credits including "The 1/2 Hour News Hour" and "RENO 911."

Unfortunately, time and space limitations preclude us from listing all of the other performers, but rest assured that they, too, do a terrific job, as does the entire crew. 3 DAYS BLIND may be a low budget endeavor, but it doesn't look it, so congratulations to Executive Producers Art Bergel, Susan Fowler and Greg McDonald for insuring that the entire budget, modest as it may be, is on the screen where it belongs. We see no need for a government bailout here...

Before closing, we at Needtovent want to acknowledge the hilarious coitus interruptus sequence towards the end of 3 DAYS BLIND. Not only is it funny as hell, but it is an excellent and effective use of mise-en-scene, a cinematic technique rarely employed in American cinema since the days of Otto Preminger. For all of you Film 101 Students out there, mise-en-scene is a more contemplative cinematic technique for telling a story -- it places all of the elements necessary to propel the action within the frame (and not just shown via individual back-and-forth cutting). Today, montage rules, but kudos to the Keith Brothers for employing mise-en-scene here. It works, it works well, and we will bet a dollar to a doughnut that you'll spend your time focusing just as much on the intimate indescretion taking place in the background as you will the dialogue in the foreground. We know we did, we think Stradivarius would, and we'll wager a Krispy Kreme you will, too.

CUTTING EDGE FILM REVIEWS...

2008-12-17T08:58:00.004-06:00

"In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. But this method doesn't work with a tomato."

This historic proclamation signaled the very beginning of America's love affair with the Ginsu knife. And truer words were never spoken -- never.

The year was 1978, and the first Ginsu television commercial -- the forerunner of what we now call "infomercials" -- aired nationwide. Not only did these remarkable examples of the cutlery art have cutting edges beyond compare (for the price, anyway), the marketing strategy behind this product's introduction was nothing short of cutting edge as well.

Recently, Needtovent's esteemed President (an approval rating of 92%) attempted a hostile takeover of the Douglas Quikut Corporation, located in Walnut Ridge, Arkansas. (With Needtovent, could there be any way other than "hostile?") Unfortunately, our COO got a quick "OH NO!" from the loco yoko's in Razorback Country and the proposed business acquisition failed to cut the mustard, much less the cheese and the, well, you already know what's coming next.

But wait, there's more!

The news isn't all bad. Besides receiving a gleaming new Ginsu knife set, Needtovent also was granted Quikut's permission to declare that it is truly the only website on the cutting edge of film reviewing. This endorsement from the Ginsu gurus is not only appreciated and accepted with humility, but we shall endeavor to maintain this trust by increasing the number of films reviewed prior to their formal release both here in the U. S. of A. and in the Land of the Rising Sun. Accordingly, Needtovent will strive to have more cutting edge, advanced, pre-release reviews than any of the "Rotten Tomatoes" who have the temerity to call themselves film critics.

From this day on, there's no comparison -- Needtovent's cutting edge reviews rule the 'hood. After all, a Rotten Tomato doesn't stand a chance in a knife fight.

Coming soon -- an in-depth review of 3 DAYS BLIND -- a delightful, independently financed ensemble comedy that is currently in the final days of post production. And remember, you will read about it here first.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (2008) -vs- THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951)

2008-12-13T05:25:00.008-06:00

The End of the World as We Know It

by Robert A. Nowotny

(Originally written for Bryce Zabel's Movie Smackdown Website -- www.moviesmackdown.com)

The Smackdown. Klaatu and Gort are back in the 'hood thanks to the mega-budget re-make of "The Day The Earth Stood Still." The duo arrives once again with every intention of helping Mankind save itself. Thanks to the executives at Twentieth Century-Fox we will have their message delivered on over a thousand screens, including some IMAX theaters, firmly placing this film among the bigger holiday season releases this year. The studio's marketing department spared no cost in hyping this remake, and why should they? (I've seen more promos for this film than Bowflex commercials the past month or so.) Certainly the overall production budget, especially the CG and special effects costs, is reportedly very impressive, while the cast, which includes Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates and, surprisingly, John Cleese, help compliment box-office star Keanu Reeves who plays Klaatu in the role that Michael Rennie made famous in the original. Everything seems in place to assure a strong opening weekend turn-out. But can all this money and contemporary talent add up to make this new "The Day The Earth Stood Still" as enduringly memorable as the old "The Day The Earth Stood Still" that graced the world's screens in 1951? There's nothing to be gained by standing still -- so lets get to it. Here's the intergalactic Smack...

The Challenger. The talent behind this new 2008 "The Day the Earth Stood Still" is certainly respectful of the original. Director Scott Derrickson, producer Erwin Stoff and screenwriter David Scarpa have all publicly commented on how they understand that the earlier version is an acknowledged classic. And they fully realize that, generally speaking, remakes are about as successful as a Libertarian running for office in the Lone Star State. (An aside: We hope Kinky will run for Governor again -- "Why the hell not?") They also understand that, on rare occasions, a remake actually fares pretty well against the original. "Sorcerer" compares favorably with "Wages of Fear," for example, as does "The Magnificent Seven" with "The Seven Samurai" and "The Birdcage" vis-a-vis "La Cage aux Folles." Accordingly, the number of deviations from the earlier edition have been held to a minimum. Gort is now a biological form and not a mechanical robot. Likewise, Klaatu is now an alien in a human body, not an alien with a human body. And, of course, the balance between story and special effects, between character-driven moments and action sequences, has been skewed as well, reflecting the advances in filmmaking technology and, presumably, present-day audience preferences. Being the challenger against a movie that most sci-fi affecinadoes consider to be sacrosanct, the equavlaent in its genre to what "The Godfather" is to gangster movies, is a tough undertaking. But then again, a beagle did win at Westminster...

The Defending Champion. This is arguably the greatest science fiction film of all time. Don't take my word for it -- none other than the Library of Congress and the National Film Preservation Board agree since the original "The Day The Earth Stood Still" was selected for inclusion in the National Film Registry as one of America's most significant cinematic achievements, one that "continues to have enduring cultural, historical and aesthetic significance." This distinguished honor is not only well deserved, it is also a fitting tribute to a great filmmaker, Robert Wise, who set out to defy convention and to author something truly special.

"I wanted to make the picture as real, as believable and as honest as I possibly could so that whatever happened from outer space would blend smoothly into something with which everyone could identify. My goal was to make a movie rather than a science fiction movie per se."

To accomplish this, Wise concentrated on telling a rather simple story of an alien humanoid and the circle of ordinary people with whom he comes into contact. Additional credit must go to Edmund H. North, the terrific screenwriter who also brought us the Adademy Award-winning screenplay for "Patton," and, of course, to Harry Bates upon whose short story the screenplay is based. The net effect is a powerful, thought-provoking viewing experience which strikes a responsive chord with virtually everyone who sees it. Michael Rennie stars as Klaatu (in a role originally written for Claude Raines), and his superb performance as the distinguished extraterrestrial messenger is both convincing and chilling. The always reliable Patricia Neal and Sam Jaffe (in his last role during the McCarthy era) more than hold their own as well. Throw in an evocative musical score by Bernard Hermann, solid technical credits throughout, and a scintillating pace thanks to the streamlined story telling, and the original "The Day The Earth Stood Still" remains a champion, even in this post-Matrix world.

The Scorecard. The very best science fiction films accurately reflect the tenor of the times in which they are produced. In the case of the original "The Day the Earth Stood Still," we find an audacious allegory for the 1950s chilling concern over the escalating tensions of the early Cold War era and nuclear proliferation. And it hit home by placing the onus on all of mankind, not just the feared Ruskies, but on every American as well. This central theme, where humanity is portrayed as having an inherent inability to restrain from destroying itself, continues in the 2008 edition. As Director Scott Derrickson stated in a recent interview, times have changed and he felt the underlying story structure behind "The Day The Earth Stood Still" would allow him to comment on today's overriding fear -- that being mankind's current path to destroying itself by destroying the very planet it lives on. Heady stuff for both filmmakers, and the Smackdown winner will undoubtedly be the one that succeeds in getting their message across the best.

The Decision. Keanu's Klaatu is a solid interpretation of the well-known alien messenger coming from afar. Mr. Reeves is well cast and certainly holds his own when compared to Michael Rennie. Ditto for Jennifer Connelly as Helen Benson. She's an excellent choice in this critical role -- one that is expanded in importance from the character played by Patricia Neal -- and so this was a critically important casting decision that worked to perfection. Likewise, John Cleese (surprisingly, in my opinion) pulls off his supporting role as Dr. Barnhardt. I'd give a slight edge to Sam Jaffe, but this is a minor quibble not worth arguing about. And when it comes to Gort, the 2008 version is bigger, more versatile and more imposing than the original. Think LeBron James vs. Charles Barkley -- I think Nike needs to sign this new, improved Gort to an endorsement contract right away.

So far, so good.

Alas, there is one area where the remake (or "reintroduction" as some have called the new "The Day the Earth Stood Still") does not fare so well. I'm referring to the critically important underlying ability to convince the viewer that what he is seeing is realistic, that the events portrayed on the screen could actually happen today, tomorrow, or next Tuesday. That was part of the magic which made the original such a classic. Audiences then, and even now, are drawn in, almost magically, by the excellent screenplay, the flawless direction by Robert Wise and the limited number of special effects which, for the time, especially, were totally believable. Derrickson's direction and Scarpa's script are more than competent by all standards, but they just don't equal the seamless, thought-provoking, visceral storytelling found in the 1951 version. Few films do, and so this is not so much an indictment against the new DAY as it is to say the challenge to equal the original was a gigantic one, even by intergalactic standards. But it is really the special effects which fail to impress. I don't know who the hundred or so folks are that are credited with the various CG and (supposedly) high-tech visual imagery -- maybe they are names pulled out of the Rancho Cucamonga telephone directory -- because what seems blatantly apparent to me is that the biggest scenes, the destruction of the 18-wheeler and Giants Stadium in the Meadowlands, for example, were actually the work of Julian Beever and the Ohio Art Company. For those of you who don't know what I'm referring to, Mr. Beever is the sidewalk artist who has become famous on the internet for this 3-D sidewalk chalk paintings, and the Ohio Art Company is the maker of Etch A Sketch. See if you don't agree -- Beever drew the requisite matte paintings and then the almuninum powder from a giant Etch A Sketch wipes the image away. O.K., maybe this is an exaggeration, but there's no denying the 2008 version of "The Day The Earth Stood Still" deserved better.

The winner, of course, is the 1951 "The Day The Earth Stood Still" -- but in a decision closer than many experts predicted.

Even Uno agrees...

2008-12-07T07:56:00.023-06:00

In an effort to help all humanoids living on Planet Earth celebrate the holidays this year, 20th Century Fox will soon be releasing its much ballyhooed remake of the classic 1951 sci-fi film, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL starring Keanu Reeves in the role of "Klaatu," first played by Michael Rennie 57 years ago. Bryce Zabel's Movie Smackdown Website has announced that it will place these two films in the ring against each other in an epic smackdown to be written by yours truly. Many are looking forward to this comparison as one of truly historical significance. After all, can this remake possibly do justice to the acknowledged classic that was initially released before the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance? There's a lot riding on the answer to this question, especially financially, for the Fox executives who gave the green light to this immensely costly endeavor. (It's been reported that the budget for this production approximates what Ford spent introducing the Pinto.) Although the remake doesn't come out until December 12th, here's what the Staff at Needtovent thinks...

The Glorious 1950s. The decade that gave us McCarthyism, duck-and-cover drills, rock-and-roll and the hula hoop, also gave us the Golden Age of Hollywood Science Fiction. At least two dozen terrific motion pictures came from this era, each worthy of being declared the best sci-fi flick ever, and most of them dealt with aliens coming to Earth with predominately nefarious intent. This was also, you'll recall, the decade when flying saucers really caught on in the public imagination. (Note to UFO people: Yes, I know... Kenneth Arnold, Roswell, etc. 1947... but the 50s was when Hollywood lent its media muscle and our government's honesty and the U.S. Air Force's credibility have never been the same.)

These films were full of intergalactic travel, alien life forms, invisible shields, ray guns, Robbie the Robot (who could easily kick the ass of R2-D2 and 3-CPO simultaneously), and that's only the beginning...

Before there was such a thing as CG and HD and 24p, there were authentic 35mm science fiction-themed motion pictures with intelligent scripts, memorable character arcs and an exploration of meaningful issues like the Red Scare or the dangers of nuclear technology.

Among all these glorious Technicolor gems was a unique sub-genre -- the "Alien Invasion Film" -- which, one could argue, comprises the best of the best.

And so here, in chronological order, are ten candidates for the best Alien Invasion Film of the 1950s:

1. THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD (1951) -- There's plenty of reasons this production is on our list, but it is probably the memorable dialogue that stands out the most. Lines like: "An intellectual carrot. The mind boggles!" are never forgotten. Nor is the warning at the very end: "Watch the skies, everywhere! Keep looking. Keep watching the skies!" This youngster certainly did, and still does...

2. THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951) -- A true classic, selected by the Library of Congress for inclusion in the National Film Registry. What else do we need to say other than "Klaatu barada nikto" mofo...

3. IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (1953) -- Based on a short story by one of the masters of science fiction, Ray Bradbury. Thanks to his character Sheriff Matt Warren we learn that "More people are murdered at ninety-two degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature...lower temperatures people are lazy-going, over ninety-two its too hot to move, but just ninety-two people get irritable. " That's something worth knowing. (I assume it's always 92 degrees in Rush Limbaugh's studio...)

4. INVADERS FROM MARS (1953) -- Aliens take over the bodies of humans turning friends, neighbors and loved ones into cold-hearted, ruthless, sullen people. If Ann Coulter would have been alive in 1953 she would have been cast for sure.

5. THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (1953) -- Sheriff Bogany: "What is that gizmo?" Forrester: "I'd say that gizmo is a machine from another planet." And what gizmos they were. Too bad they will never be seen again. Unfortunately, these marvelous Martian war machines were made out of copper and after production ended some studio bozo donated them to be melted down for a Boy Scout copper drive. Just think what they would fetch today on e-bay...

6. THIS ISLAND EARTH (1955) -- Any film featuring Faith Domergue in costumes so tight that she couldn't wear underwear is a classic. No wonder the official Tagline declared: "The Supreme Excitement Of Our Time!"

7. EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS (1956) -- General Edwards: "When an armed and threatening power lands uninvited in our capitol, we don't meet him with tea or cookies." Now you know why Santa skips Washington, D.C. each year.

8. INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956) -- Ambulance Driver: "Well, I don't know what they are; I never saw them before. They looked like great big seed pods." Sort of like the Burpee Company on steroids, but don't be mislead, this is definitely a sci-fi classic that will still scare the heebie jeebies out of you despite a special effects budget totaling a mere $15,000.

9. INVASION OF THE SAUCER-MEN (1957) -- According to American International's Tagline: "They Threatened The World Until Some Hep Youngsters Took Over!" Hep? Yep.

10. THE BLOB (1958) -- The working title was THE BLOB THAT GIRDLED THE WORLD. I guess Playtex objected. Still, any feature film that stars Steve McQueen, has a title song co-written by Burt Bacharach and possesses more silicone gel than two Carol Dodas is a must see.

Alas, there are a few misguided souls who think that sci-fi films released in the 1970s, 80s, 90s and beyond are as good, even superior. The Krell know better. True science fiction aficionados know better. But the myth, as idiotic as it is, still prevails in certain quarters. And so Movie Smackdown has established a brand-new fresh-off-the-bus SmackPoll where you can express your own opinion(s). The goal is to find an "Alien Invasion Film" winner from the "Classic Era", i.e. the 1950s, and put it up against a similar winner from what is being labeled the "Modern Era." This is, admittedly, a pretty ambitious goal for a website, even one established by a distant relative of Dr. Edward Morbius, but, given the subject matter, maybe the fate of the Earth rests on it.

Needtovent solidly believes that the ten films listed above all stand tall on their own merit and any one of these will be a worthy and winning finalist that will surely kick some latter-day sci-fi butt -- after all, Robbie wouldn't have it any other way. Accordingly, we adamantly profess that all of the post-1950s newbies are nothing more than "pretenders" to the throne -- even Chrissi Hynde agrees with us. But do you?

Here's several things you need to know about this poll. First, you get to vote for your top three films. Second, if you change your mind because you actually rent and watch some of them, you can come back and re-vote. Also, your vote must be placed on the Official Ballot appearing at MovieSmackdown.com. This way there won't be any hanging chads or electronic voting machine irregularites since all of the tabulations will take place outside the states of Ohio and Florida.

This is your link to the Official Ballot (it is at the bottom of the posting):

http://www.moviesmackdown.com/2008/12/fiftiesaliens.html

(We apologize for the inconvenience, but it appears that Ming the Merciless has successfully infiltrated our computer terminals making it necessary for you to cut and paste this link.)

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

2008-12-03T08:49:00.023-06:00

(Thanks to our being invited to a special pre-release screening of THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON, Needtovent is pleased to bring you this review well in advance of it's Christmas Day opening.)

Here comes Oscar! (And we don't mean Mr. Homolka.)

Needtovent hereby predicts at least a half-dozen Academy Award Nominations for this truly epic motion picture based on a short story by Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald and brought to the big screen by Director David Fincher (SE7EN, FIGHT CLUB) and Screenwriter Eric Roth (FORREST GUMP, WOLFEN, THE HORSE WHISPERER, ALI). With a virtually perfect cast thanks to Laray Mayfield and his associates and the impeccable technical aspects from all departments helping support Fincher's stylistic vision, BENJAMIN BUTTON will soon take its place among the best feature films released since the beginning of this millennium.

That's high praise. High praise, indeed, but it is no exaggeration to say that anyone seeing BENJAMIN BUTTON will surely be haunted by it's dark, but ultimately life-affirming theme for a long, long time to come.

"My name is Benjamin Button, and I was born under unusual circumstances. While everyone else was agin', I was gettin' younger...all alone."

Benjamin Button certainly has a most unusual tale to tell, as it is the unique story of an elderly man who ages backwards. This "Curious Case" begins in the year 1919, on the very evening that The First Great War came to an end, when Little Benjamin's delivery is not only marred by the tragic death of his mother, but he inexplicably exits the womb at the ripe age of 75. Benjamin's father is understandably overcome with both grief and anger, causing him to abandon the newborn child on the steps of a large retirement home. Fortunately, little Benjamin is found by a kind-hearted black woman named Queenie who, as luck would have it, believes she cannot have children of her own, and so she embraces the opportunity to take the abandonded baby in and to give him all the love and attention she can as though he were her very own.

The doctors who examine little Benjamin are all convinced that he has, at most, days to live, but as the days turn to months and the months turn to years young Benjamin finds himself growing in size and health and being accepted by everyone he comes into contact with, especially the retirees living in the home. As Benjamin continues to get younger and wiser he is repeatedly reminded that the most important thing in life is to do what one is meant to do. And so, as Benjamin's travels ultimately take him to such exotic places as Russia and India, it is this philosophy which he embraces at every twist and turn comprising a complicated, but highly fullfilling life.

The stellar cast is headlined by Brad Pitt as Benjamin. His performance is brilliant, as is that of Cate Blanchett as Benjamin's one and only true love, Daisy. Their on-screen chemistry is a joy to watch. Likewise, Tilda Swinton, as Elizabeth Abbott, Julia Ormond, as Caroline, Jarred Harris, as Captain Mike and Taraji P. Henson, as Queenie, all deliver especially winning and memorable performances.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON was shot using a Thompson VIPER FilmStream Camera using Zeiss DigiPrime Lenses. This is a camera package we are not familiar with, however Cinematographer Claudio Miranda has done a fantastic job with this equipment and I cannot help but assume more feature films will be shot with this highly capable combination. The Production Design by Donald Graham Burt also deserves special mention, as does the entire special effects team, but the biggest praise of all must go to the 32-member make-up crew who worked in conjuction with the CG experts responsible for believably aging all of the characters over the course of seven decades. Utilizing state-of-the-art motion capture technology called the "Contour System," the actual faces of Pitt, Blanchett, et al were magically placed on the bodies of age-appropriate actors required for the scene. This all sounds a bit bizarre, draconian even, but the end result is unforgettable -- having the actual face of Brad Pitt, professionally embellished by highly talented make-up artists, appear seamlessly on an infant's body provides a sense of realism that, heretofore, has never been realized.

Of course, no film is perfect, and so we should mention that one Needtovent staffer found herself distracted on at least several occasions by Mr. Pitt's inconsistent New Orleans accent. Also, just how Benjamin came to be a person who ages backwards is never explained, nor do we see very many characters who find this unprecedented state of affairs to be all that surprising. As an audience member one must simply accept what is presented on screen and not dwell on the whys and wherefores. And, lastly, some of the dialogue comes across as simply "too cute" -- given the fact that Eric Roth also wrote the screenplay for FORREST GUMP there was a time or two I thought I might hear something about a box of damn chocolates. Luckily that never happened, nor did any of his "writer's convenience" come across that inherently stilted or corny.

Minor quibbles aside, THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON remains a phenominal cinematic achievment, it is a film that is highly entertaining, epic in scope, and blessed with a multitude of technical accomplishments that surely merits a "must see" status in what looks like a very solid Holiday line-up of films. And it has heart. Perhaps Benjamin's final entry in his journal best provides a positive, uplifting lesson we should all come to realize, "And maybe all that matters is no matter if we live our lives backwards or forwards...it really does not make a difference as long as we lived our lives well."

For anyone with a Timex or a Rolex, whether you are on Greenwich Mean Time or Daylight Savings Time, it doesn't get much better than this.

IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING!

2008-11-30T09:28:00.004-06:00

For many Americans, the Christmas Season doesn't actually get underway until the Noreclo Santa comes sliding down a snowy slope gleefully aboard his famous triple-headed toboggan. For the past few decades this endearing commercial has helped signal the official start of the Holiday Season; who would have ever thought such a festive sight contained a truly dark, terrible, insidious secret?

IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING! * IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING!
IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING! * IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING!

The famous Needtovent Research Lab, secretly ensconced somewhere among the towering peaks and verdant valleys of the Texas Hill Country (the local Chamber of Commerce's words, not ours) has just announced a horrific medical finding that may forever alter the morning ritual of men worldwide. All adult men should take heed...

No, this discovery has nothing to do with the morning constitutional -- a time-honored, albeit somewhat nasty tradition so embraced by the male population, especially the Alabama Redneck and the Oaxacan Wetback who have both elevated the sounds and quantities associated with the daily dump to incomparable heights.

Rather, this important health warning is issued to those who shave with electric razors -- Norelco, Braun, Remington, Panasonic -- the brand doesn't seem to make a difference. Thanks to the tireless efforts of Needtovent's chief laboratory researcher, Dr. Frederick Currey IV, MD, PhD, BPOE, it has now been proven without a (five o'clock) shadow of a doubt that microscopic hair particles resulting from the savage multi-blade cutting action found in virtually all electric shavers currently on the market are breathed in during the course of shaving, where they eventually find themseleves attached to the inner walls of the lungs. According to Dr. Curry, this invasive action of non-biodegradable hair balls (for lack of a better description) eventually causes such irritation and interference with the otherwise healthy lung tissue that cancer will likely result. This danger is so pervasive that Dr. Curry estimates that the death rate due to lung cancer among adult males caused by the inhalation of these tiny hair particles equals that of those who smoke three packs of Camels a day and, possibly, may even exceed those employed in Wiccan alchemy experiments.

The esteemed Dr. Curry's finding are now being sent to the American Medical Association and a phalanx of scientists at NASA, that quasi-governmental organization responsible for giving us Velcro, Tang and, allegedly, a couple of moon rocks. A separate file is being delivered via bonded courier to Mr. Oliver Biggers, the self-proclaimed arbiter of all human knowledge, known and imagined.

There will be more to come regarding this important medical health finding in the months ahead. In the meantime, consider yourself warned...

GIVING THANKS -- MACY'S STYLE

2008-11-27T15:31:00.014-06:00

No, the Macy being referred to isn't William H., whose real-life wife has become my favorite "Desperate Housewife" now that Gaby has become frumpy. (Felicity's slightly deviated septum is a real turn-on for, well, let's just say for obvious reasons as most red-blooded men will agree). But, as Warden Jerry L. Nelson would say, I digress...

With the drowsy effects of tryptophan beginning to wear off, Needtovent will now post the Top Three Highlights of this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. In no particular order:

1. The Special Needs Color Guard of America. Unlike what you see in the photograph above, this developmentally disabled color guard from the Sunshine State was sporting new free-fitting blue marching outfits making them look like KABLUEY casting rejects, but we salute them for their courage and dedication. And we especially salute Macy's for inviting this inspirational and worthy group to participate.

2. On the other end of the spectrum, the virtually endless parade of pretty, perky, peewee-sized preadolescent music and dance performers was surely a wet dream for the pedophiles among the 50 million television viewers watching (and leering) worldwide. Hey, in true Holiday Spirit, I guess Macy's felt that even perverts deserve a little love on special occasions. (No photo for this one, sorry).

3. Andy Williams. He's still alive -- and lookin' pretty good, too! It was a nice surprise to see him crooning once again. (And they say only the good die young...)

Postscript: What was with NBC's production team? There were so many technical flaws that it made the average public access broadcast look as polished as -- you guessed it -- Barbie Benton's bannister.

(Needtovent believes in recycling...)

TINSELTOWN'S THANKSGIVING TURKEYS

2008-11-26T11:47:00.012-06:00

Thanksgiving is a very special day, indeed. Most of us don't have to go to the office. There's usually a pretty good football game or two on the tube. There's plenty of turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce and, of course, gravy. One can never, ever have too much gravy.

And often there's family. Every holiday has it's downside—the Norman Rockwell insanity of it all. That's why I'm extremely happy to be spending the day quietly, at home, with just Lynda and a bottle of wine or two and my trusty remote for the boob tube. Ozzie and Harriet we are not.

We are, however, card-carrying members of that flourishing American subculture known as Bad Film Fanatics. Bad films made by bad filmmakers. But for Thanksgiving I declare bad is good, or at the very least bad is zany or outrageous or astonishing or hilarious, and so on this special day I would like to personally give thanks to my Top Three Turkey Producers from Hollywood. A trio of motion picture personalities deserving of some holiday punch and all the trimmings.

William Castle -- Ever since the beginning of the film industry movie moguls have searched for dramatic technical innovations that would increase the audience appeal of their productions. Some of these advances—such as sound in 1927 and Technicolor in 1935—permanently enriched the potential of the medium. Castle, bless his heart, was a low-budget producer/director whose “Percepto” process was but one of several cinematic contrivances he is credited with inventing. Ah yes, “Percepto”—this daring (or should I say derriere-ing?) gimmick is something I personally will never forget.

The year is 1959, and the Saturday afternoon matinee is Castle's “The Tingler”. “Brought to you in Percepto!” the ads declared. In fact, this movie was so scary that part of the price of admission went to a life insurance policy (a copy of which was given to you along with your ticket). At eleven years of age I'm already a little apprehensive, but armed with a giant tub of popcorn and a large Dr. Pepper to keep me company, I take a seat and learn that “The Tingler” is a creature created by Vincent Price that “breeds a living organism in the victim's spine, which, if not nullified, will shatter the vertebrae” and thus cause a horribly painful death. The only way to “nullify” the thing is to scream at the top of your lungs.

Big deal. But then I see this monster enter a neighborhood theatre (not unlike the one I'm sitting in), it passes through the lobby (presumably without buying a ticket) and then the screen in MY theatre goes completely dark! Vincent Price's voice booms over the speakers: “Ladies and gentlemen, please do not panic but scream… scream for your lives! The Tingler is loose in this theatre and if you don't scream you may die!” Behind me a girl screams at a hundred decibels (she's actually the candy counter clerk hired by the distributors to do this at each screening) and she then faints, falling to the sticky theater floor. All the while the soundtrack booms at full volume “Help!” “It's on me!” and “Look out, it's under your seat!”

That's when “Percepto” kicks in, and the popcorn and the Dr. Pepper are history. You see, my seat was one of several dozen that had a low-voltage motor hooked up underneath that was triggered by the projectionist just as the movie reached its climax. Very much like the toy hand buzzer giving the false feeling of an electric shock, “Percepto” proved effective despite its low-tech origins. Yes, this was the shock of an eleven-year-old-lifetime, and my first and only Dr. Pepper shower to boot. Thanks for the memory, Mr. Castle.

Irwin Allen -- This “Master of Disaster” gave us such big box-office flicks as “The Towering Inferno” and “The Poseidon Adventure” (featuring Ms. Shelley Winters in a performance that still gives me the willies), but Mr. Allen's appearance here is for his $12-million 'B-movie'—“The Swarm”. One can't help but wonder where the money went. Was it for the laughable killer bees themselves, which resemble colored Styrofoam pellets being tossed casually at the supposed victims? Was it spent on the cinematography, where the bees flying in formation look more like a pinch of nutmeg sprinkled over the lens? Perhaps it went to the zombie-like extras running wildly in slow motion, flapping their arms like penguins trying to fly and, in one case, even bumping into a telephone pole? Or did it go into the screenplay, possessing such lame dialogue as an air force pilot declaring: “Oh my gosh! Bees! Bees! Millions of bees! They're all around me! Bees! Bees!”

The killer bees attack picknickers and steal peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches, derail a train, down a helicopter, overrun a missile silo and almost destroy the city of Houston (can't have everything I guess), but eventually all is saved and the end credits assure us: “The African killer bee should not be confused with the hard-working, industrious American honey bee, which provides us with honey and pollinates our flowers.” Boy, let's hope they don't get outsourced. A salute, then, to Mr. Irwin Allen and the American honey bee.

Jed Buell -- By far the least known of the three, Jed Buell produced two of the most exasperating movies of all time. In 1938, motion picture history was made by “The Terror Of Tiny Town”, billed as the only film in Hollywood history with “an all-midget cast”. While not precisely accurate (there is a full-sized announcer at the very beginning of the film just for the sake of comparison), this musical Western features diminutive Billy Curtis galloping around the countryside on his Shetland Pony in search of the bite-sized baddy (played by an actor appropriately named Little Billy). In the end good triumphs over evil when the good Billy blows up the bad Billy with a stick of dynamite.

Prior to this inspired denouement we are treated to innumerable midgets walking under saloon doors, drinking from beer steins bigger than their heads, and chasing one another under—rather than around—the furniture. For good measure, a penguin wanders onto the set and waddles inexplicably through one scene. (Inspiration, perhaps, for Fellini's peacock in “Amarcord”? After all, Ecclesiastes dictated long ago that “there is nothing new under the sun.”)

Anyway, the idea for this American classic (just my personal opinion, of course) came to Mr. Buell one day when a subordinate of his declared, “If this studio economy drive keeps on, we'll be using midgets for actors.” The visionary producer jumped at the suggestion, and to realize his dream he ran advertisements in newspapers proclaiming, “Big Salaries For Little People.” His midgets came from every corner of the United States (fourteen even came over from Hawaii), and he eventually signed some sixty averaging 3'8" in height.

Although only a modest financial success at the time, the irrepresible Buell announced a sequel based on a full-grown bruiser playing the mythical Paul Bunyan surrounded by his Tiny Town cast. Alas, this film was never made, and so we are left only with “Harlem On The Prairie”—“the World's First Outdoor Action Adventure With An All-Negro Cast”. Surprisingly, this very early 'blaxploitation' feature was wildly popular in the more than 800 theatres across the nation that catered especially to Black audiences. In its own way “Harlem On The Prairie” helped highlight the commercial viability of quality black cinema, an unexpected by-product of Jed Buell's somewhat perverse sense of casting.

Here's hoping everyone has a wonderful Turkey Day. Go Texas -- beat the Aggies!

ALEX MEIXNER BAND

2008-11-06T15:03:00.005-06:00

Somehow The Weather Channel failed to mention the biggest hurricane to hit Texas since Ike. Maybe it is because this super powerful force of nature blew in from Allentown, Pennsylvania and not from the Gulf Coast. Yes, I said Allentown, PA -- the home of one Alex Meixner, arguably the most dynamic, electrifying musical performer working today. If Alex's energy could be harnessed to an electrical grid, he could power all of Central Texas for a year.

And speaking of Central Texas, that's just where we most recently saw the Alex Meixner Band perform -- at the venerable New Bruanfels Wurstfest, a ten-day celebration consisting of beer and sausage and beer and potato pancakes and beer and kartoffel and, well, you get the idea. Oh yes, and music, too, where every evening as many as three bands play simultaneously in separate musical venues situated within the Wurstfest grounds. That's a lot of music, but, for ten consecutive years, the one band that packs them in to capacity, performance after performance, has been headlined by Alex Meixner.

Step aside Whitesnake, Metalica and Twisted Sister -- Alex possesses a stage presence and exuberance and kinetic energy that makes you guys look lame and tame in comparison. Lederhosen never looked so hip.

Backed this year by three highly talented accomplices, the Alex Meixner Band set a new standard for fun, zaniness, musicality and perspiration. Phalanges flew faster than a hummingbird's wings when Alex literally attacked his button box while belting out a truly eclectic array of unexpected tunes, all with a "Meixnerian" slant that had everyone, including the usually sedate fans of Lawrence Welk Champagne-style Music, cheering wildly and forming Conga lines as long and spirited as any during Carnival in Rio.

Examples of Meixnerian "Loony Tunes" include "The Devil Goes To Munich," an exhilarating adaptation that Charlie Daniels must surely salute along with that other Daniels fellow, Jack. Or how about Sachmo's "When The Saints Come Marching In," featuring Alex's amazing vocals successfully emulating America's beloved Ambassador of Good Will. Or Iron Butterfly's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," where Alex is accompanied by one of the band members playing a Ukulele -- a dad gum Ukulele! Want another example? How about Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music, White Boy," a groovy, irrepressible rendition performed on a Siwa & Figli accordion.

Bet you never thought you'd see that...

(More information on the Alex Meixner Band, including a schedule of their upcoming appearances, can be found at www.alexmeixner.com)

KABLUEY

2008-11-04T14:22:00.014-06:00

"The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry."
(John Steinbeck)

These famous words provide a more than apt description of Writer/Director/Actor Scott Prendergast's low-budget, independent feature -- KABLUEY. As frequent readers of this website know, Needtovent loves to champion independent cinema and has accorded some of our highest praise to such worthy projects as THE GUATEMALAN HANDSHAKE, BUBBA HO-TEP, LARS AND THE REAL GIRL, and, most recently, LA TRAGEDIA DE MACARIO. And so with great anticipation we recently screened KABLUEY. For one thing, the artwork on the DVD cover was extremely intriguing; how in the world could this not be a FUN movie? And the endorsement from Stephen Farber of the HOLLYWOOD REPORTER, "This CHARMING, POINTED COMEDY is A GENUINE DISCOVERY," provided further assurance that we were in for a treat.

Alas, the viewing experience was as disappointing as the Texas Longhorns' last-second loss to the Red Raiders in Lubbock this past weekend. And as for Mr. Farber's quote, KABLUEY turns out to be pointless -- don't take our word for it, even Little Oblio agrees.

Lisa Kudrow (in a surprisingly down-beat role) plays Leslie, the mother of two overly obstreperous young boys left to fend for herself while her husband serves an extended tour in Iraq as a National Guardsman. He's actually the lucky one; Al Qaeda posses less of a constant threat than these Hellish little fellows. Desperate to make ends meet, Leslie reluctantly turns to Salman (Scott Prendergast) her ne're-do-well brother-in-law for help.

Things do not get better when Salman arrives. In fact, the oldest nephew openly declares, "I'm going to kill you." And, with the aid of his younger brother, he tries. Unfortunately, for movie audiences everywhere, the little bugger did not succeed. Like a Croatian peasant's nose hair, KABLUEY could use some judicious trimming.

Ultimately Salman gets a job dressing up in a big blue costume as the mascot for a failing dot.com company. Prendergast's screenplay wants to have us believe that underneath this ridiculous outfit he is able to connect with Leslie and her kids, but Prendergast is a poor actor at best and the attempted heartwarming conclusion fails to deliver for a wide variety of reasons. There's even an attempt at some pithy commentary on the domestic repercussions of the Iraq War as well as the current state of the American economy. Yes, the aim was high, but the shots taken were so ill-conceived and off target they reminded me of those fired against the Branch Davidians by the ATF SWAT team in Waco.

There's plenty of blame to go around. Director Prendergast exhibits as much competence as Donald Rumsfeld or Michael D. Brown, Lawrence Maddox's editing, like a Republican's lovemaking, is perfunctory at best, Production Designer Walter Barnett's sense of style makes a Century 21 Real Estate Agent look haute couture, and the original music by Reddy Bottum scrapes the barrel to be sure.

Bottom Line: Phooey on KABLUEY.

SPREAD EAGLE FORMATION

2008-11-04T08:25:00.002-06:00

Needtovent is 100% behind the fine young women comprising the Washington Redskins Cheerleader Squad.

(No wonder the Washington Monument stands so erect...)

CREDITS (Or Debits?)

2008-10-30T09:30:00.014-05:00

"It's not about how good you are, but who gets the credit."
(Denny Crane)

There has been much debate, in the U.S. and abroad, regarding the experience level of both Barak Obama and, especially, Sarah Palin. Most would agree that there is a reasonable cause for concern, and it is this very situation that has elevated the press worldwide to become far more interested in the credentials of all individuals whose influence sway millions, whether they are leaders in the political, military, economic or entertainment arena.

As a result, it came as no surprise when the Needtovent hierarchy was approached by the respected research departments of both the Buddhist newspaper Hyundae Bulgyo and the Winnemucca Sun inquiring about the credentials and experience level of our Founder, CEO and Supreme Potentate -- Robert A. Nowotny. Our response to these requests, which were made through official channels and in full compliance with applicable international laws governing such disclosures, is posted below. Be advised that this listing is an abridged compendium of Mr. Nowotny's credits and accomplishments due to space limitations and an admittedly less-than-perfect memory. It is anticipated that additional credits will be forthcoming in the weeks ahead.

Robert A. Nowotny Resume -- Part I
(Credits Listed Alphabetically)

2nd Lieutenant in the Fighting 69th Airborne
Academic Tutor (College Level)
Actor (Stage, Screen and Television)
Advertising Copywriter
Advocate (For the IRA -- County Clare and Dublin)
Animal Trainer
Anti-War Demonstrator
Arbitrator
Automobile Racer (Drag Strip and Open Wheel)
Baseball Umpire
Beachcomber
Beauty Pageant Judge
Blackballer and Fraternity Hazing Specialist
Boom Operator
CableACE Awards Judge
Cartographer
Cattle Herder
Cave Guide and Spelunker
Cheerleader
Christmas Tree Salesman
Clown (Intentional and Unintentional)
Co-Founder -- The German Rocket and Science Foundation
College Graduate (BBA and MA -- both with Honors)
Corporation CEO, CFO and COO
Court Jester
Day Trader
Decider (Like George W.)
Duck Wrangler
Economic Stimulus Participant
Electric Utilities Repairman
Exterminator
Film Festival Founder and Judge
Fly Fisherman
Frog Gigger
Grocery Stock Boy
Haikuist
Historical Researcher
HOA Nazi (Retired)
Homing Pigeon Racer
Hunter (Deer, Dove, Quail and Snipe)
Infidel (So charged in France -- Unrepentant)
Jazz Record Producer
Jehovah's Witness Interrogator
Jurist
Leaf Blower
Left Fielder -- Roy Hobbs Baseball League
Lecturer (Land Based and Cruise Ship)
Libation Mixologist (Creator of the rum-based "Stem Christi")
Linoleum Salesman
Liquid Fuel Rocket Engineer
Master Of Ceremonies
Motion Picture Producer, Director, Writer, Editor
Mountain Biker
Newlywed Game Auditionee
Nielson Family Member
Numismatist
Off-Shore Drilling Rig Roustabout
One-time card carrying member of The Groucho Club (London), BPOE, Rick's Cabaret and the Zuider Zee Lunch Bunch
Original Member -- Inner Mongolian Liver Flukes
Pall Bearer
Panel Moderator
Philatelist
Pin Boy (Bowling Alley -- Not Pinhead)
Pine Beetle Eradicator
Plumber -- Unlicensed (Just like Joe...)
Pole Vaulter
Political Campaign Chairman
Political Pundit
Private Pilot, Instrument Rated
Published Author (Fiction and Non-Fiction)
Raconteur
Radio DJ
Real Estate Investment Advisor and Speculator
Rock Band Promoter
SAG Liaison
Skateboard Designer
Ski Instructor
Snake Handler (Non-Religious)
Solicitor -- Nuevo Laredo & Ciudad Acuna
Sports Announcer
Stand-Up Comedian
Still Photographer
Student of Theology
Studio Recording Engineer
Surveyor
Teacher (College Level -- Undergraduate and Graduate)
Telephone Solicitor (for non-profit)
Trombonist
Woman's Softball Team Manager
Zealot (Miscellaneous Causes)
Zoysia Lawn Subsistence Provider

THE WORLD WITHOUT US

2008-10-29T14:04:00.016-05:00

"The World Without US" is a fascinating and informative socio-political docu-drama that takes a close look at one of the major issues facing America today -- a potential return to isolationism. The United States currently has a military presence in over 100 foreign countries, and there are more than a few who believe this is a far too costly, intrusive and unjustifiable foreign policy. With US troops spread thinner than an O. J. Simpson alibi, filmmakers Mitch Anderson and Jason J. Tomaric travel to 21 countries over the course of two years to try and determine what the world would be like if all of our overseas military bases were to close and all of our troops were to come home.

Mr. Anderson was born in Romania and learned to love America by listening to his father's short wave radio while being told that some day soon Eisenhauer would return to his part of Europe and free him and his fellow countrymen from brutal Soviet domination. Even though Ike never came, the dream of living free and some day coming to the United States never wavered. After multiple failed attempts and subsequent prison confinements he finally succeeded. It is this historical backdrop that causes Anderson to question why America has a military presence in virtually every country on earth, yet decides to intervene on only certain occasions, leaving other, similar situations alone.

The film opens with a fictitious presidential candidate, William Turner (played by Roy Werner, a veteran of film and television), running on a campaign promise to end our military's "overextended" presence abroad and to use one-half of the significant resources saved to help fix a multitude of domestic problems right here at home. It is also pointed out that even if America's defense spending were to be cut by a full 50%, it would still exceed the military budgets of China, Russia and all members of the "Axis of Evil" combined.

The unique structure of "The World Without US" divides the film into three parts, taking a look at what might happen if Turner were to be elected and his promise to pull all overseas troops were to be realized first in Europe, then the Middle East and, finally, in Asia. Anderson interviews a wide variety of individuals comprised of both ordinary citizens and academic experts. What may be surprising to many is how fully informed the average citizen overseas is when it comes to America's foreign policies. Having been to 37 foreign counties I have often noticed how well educated the average cab driver, as an example, is on the topic of international politics and America's involvement in global affairs. Compare this level of sophistication with the average American Wal-Mart devotee or Alaskan Governor and you'll have an awareness gap wider than Condoleezza Rice's front two teeth. Yes, buckaroos, where most Americans babble incoherently while living complacently and in ignorance even as our sons, daughters, neighbors and fellow countrymen are giving their lives to causes that are often more beneficial to citizens of other countries than to us, you'll find that the average Joe the Plumber in Panama, Taiwan, Egypt, Germany, Kuwait and scores of other countries actually knows what the hell he's talking about.

Among the handful of academic experts interviewed is Dr. Niall Ferguson, the Laurence A. Tisch Professor of History at Harvard University. He makes several interesting points including his analysis that American intervention in what was formally known as Yugoslavia, including the conflict in Kosovo, was both desirable and necessary, calling it "human rights imperialism," while all of Europe either ignored the situation in their own back yard or did not have the backbone to do anything about it. He also claims that without America's significant presence in the Middle East, Israel would soon be destroyed and the entire region would rip itself apart causing global economic, social and political ramifications. It is important to note that in the "Bonus Section" of this DVD there is a segment on America's influences -- good and bad -- in Latin America. Once again, our neighbors to the South, just like those to the East and the West, provide informative insight, especially in regards to Panama.

Special mention should be made concerning the sophisticated and effective musical score by Christopher First, the sharp editing by Jason Blum and the use of powerful and illuminating film clips from around the world. The scenes from a North Korean Communist propaganda film are especially revealing.

Of course, the bottom line for most Americans is why should we police the world when no one else is willing to help (the impotent, insignificant "Coalition of the Willing" is a joke; how many foreign combat soldiers remain by our side -- eleven?). And, just as importantly, why should we bear the cost in both lives and resources when some of the countries who depend on our protection have higher standards of living and more wealth per capita than we do? (Japan being just one example -- it's vulnerability to China and North Korea forms the basis of the final conclusion reached by Anderson and Tomaric; a conclusion I will not give away here. Yes, you will have to get a copy of "The World Without US" to see for yourself -- something I highly recommend.)

A Final Thought -- During WWII America's propaganda machine (and I use that word without prejudice of any kind) produced a series of highly effective films directed by some of Hollywood's finest (Frank Capra being the most notable), which explained why we were at war with Germany and Japan. The seven episodes comprising "Why We Fight" were a tremendously effective series, something which should have been replicated in recent years regarding our invasion of Iraq and our incessant "War on Anxiety." With that said, credit must go to Anderson and Tomaric for at least giving us one installment attempting to explain the reasoning behind "Why We Fight -- Again and Again and Again."

("The World Without US" DVD can be purchased for $9.98 via Singa Home Entertainment's website --- www.singahe.com)

PALMER'S RESTAURANT

2008-10-27T07:42:00.010-05:00

Review by Jerry L. Nelson

Dorothy Parker is reputed to have once said to one of her friends at the Algonquin Round Table, and I may be paraphrasing here, “If you don’t have something nice to say about someone, come sit over here by me,” but you get my drift, I hope. It’s amazing how the brain connects things. As I wrote that line about Ms. Parker, I flashed on the time when my wife, sister-in-law and niece, in an effort to save some money on decorating our wine cellar, stenciled the floor to look like a hand crafted tile floor imported from Italy and laid by an artesian. As they stood there rather frazzled looking after a day of backbreaking effort, waiting on edge for my compliments, the best I could come up with was “Well, it doesn’t suck.” I’ve always been a quick thinker when pressed into a corner. As time has passed since that creative phraseology crossed over my lips, I now rather enjoy walking into the cellar and glancing down at the floor knowing there’s not another one like it. But I digress.

Our most recent culinary excursion, “our” being friend and me, again sans spouses, was to Palmer’s Restaurant, Bar, and Courtyard in San Marcos, located on the corner of Ranch Road 12, also known as Moore Street, and Hutchinson, just a few blocks around the corner from the Court House Square. The first thing you’ll notice about Palmer’s is that you won’t notice it. For more than thirty years it has occupied this greenery covered corner lot and I must admit I have passed by for years and never really saw it.

Not being deterred by its lack of identity, Friend and I ventured in one recent fall evening and were given our requested seats in the courtyard, as the weather was seemingly perfect for us. Little did we know, there were creatures lurking in the bushes for which it was also perfect, as we became the main course for hundreds of non-discerning mosquitoes. Fighting them off long enough to enjoy a very nice Grilled Tuna appetizer ($8.00) we retreated into the dining area of the bar and were seated at a small table near a very large circular fireplace, fortunately not in operation at the time, but sure to take the chill out of a cold, winter evening.

Once our waiter found us, the evening continued with dinner. Friend requested the Grilled Chicken with mixed veggies and a rice pilaf ($16.95). It really looked good, right down to the grill marks on the chicken breast. Friend was not disappointed. The flavor and texture were quality as well.

I opted for the Bone in Pork Chop. It came with your standard garlic mashies and surprisingly good corn niblits, not cut from the cob, and most likely previously frozen, but none the less, quite good and reasonably priced at $18.95. Since Friend had chicken and I had pork, we compromised on a soft White Horse Pinot Noir with which to swill it all down. A good choice it turned out for both of us.

Wanting to try as much as we could, we requested dessert menus. It’s beginning to seem as if more and more restaurants are getting their dessert ideas from the same shows on the food channel. Nearly every place you go these days offers what’s becoming standard choices of Carrot Cake or Key Lime Pie and some form of chocolate decadence. I guess the two of us are falling into a rut as we ordered the Key Lime and the Carrot Cake ($6.00 each). Nothing outstanding here but not disappointing at the same time -- adequate for lack of a better description.

Overall, a pleasant foray, not into the bowels of culinary hell but a bit short of heaven at the same time. Most of our experience was enjoyable and the prices were reasonable. Service was smooth and polite.

I guess I can only equate our experience with my pseudo tile floor. The more I think about it, the more pleasant it becomes; some place I’ll enjoy returning to because it didn’t suck.

LA TRAGEDIA DE MACARIO

2008-10-22T10:49:00.011-05:00

Inspired by a true story, LA TRAGEDIA DE MACARIO is a remarkably poignant and insightful film written and directed by Pablo Veliz, a supremely talented young filmmaker (he was 23 when he shot MACARIO) who lives and works, whenever possible, in San Antonio, Texas. Blessed with a talented young cast and crew, this low budget, independently financed featurette has a running time of only 71 minutes, yet it succeeds in addressing in a powerful, moving and intelligent manner a combination of social, ethical, religious and political issues all at once -- and it does so with a budget that totals less than $8,000. Talk about a miracle...

Come to think about it, maybe the Virgin Mary, who appears on camera in several highly stylized and memorable scenes, actually blessed this debut effort by Mr. Veliz. Divine intervention or not, there's no denying that Rogelio T. Ramos, who plays the title character, Macario, puts an indelible face on the stereotype of the illegal immigrant. And Milicent Figueroa, who portrays the loving, left-behind wife, Regina, will break your heart given the impending "tragedy" that punctuates this story. The fact that the title gives away the ending is of no concern, as Mr. Veliz does a superb job of getting us to this point utilizing a variety of risky, but ultimately successful cinematic techniques which combine stark realism with a dream-like, almost mythical and magical series of scenes that in the hands of a lesser director would have been a disaster.

Macario's decision to seek a better life by going to America, where a relative has promised work and good pay, is a fatal one. On more than one occasion the Virgin Mary materializes before him warning Macario not to go, but the despair and depravation he and Regina are forced to endure, especially once he loses his menial job working on a nearby ranch, along with the promise of making as much as $800 a month in the U.S., unite to form a powerful combination too tempting to resist. And so Macario, along with his best friend Felipe (Victor Agustin), find a "coyote" who promises to not only help them cross the border, but he'll personally welcome them on the other side when he unlocks the boxcar they, along with a dozen or so others, are being transported in. The lowlife coyote never shows -- all are asphyxiated. Consider yourself warned because these scenes depicting realization, then desperation and, ultimately, suffocation, will haunt you for some time.

Special mention must be made for the wonderful music by Carlos Sanchez and Pablo Veliz, as well as the first-rate sound work by Dagoberto Patlan and Jeff Seale. Overall production values are excellent given the budget, with all technical elements such as cinematography and editing, etc. surprisingly solid, especially given the relative youth and inexperience of all involved. Accordingly, LA TRAGEDIA DE MACARIO has been selected for screening honors at Sundance, Worldfest-Houston, SXSW and numerous other film festivals. These accolades are well-deserved.

Postscript: Living in the South Texas Hill Country affords one numerous supposed sightings of the Virgin Mary, in such widely divergent and unlikely places as in the center of a corn tortilla, the bark of a mesquite tree, the water stain on a Whataburger ceiling panel, a puddle of oil on the floor of a Jiffy-Lube or, most remarkably, on the surface of a diseased rutabaga. As a result, this reviewer hereby vows that if such a vision ever appears and the Virgin Mary is trying to warn him about something, like she did Macario, you can bet your bottom dollar yours truly will take heed -- all avowed agnostic beliefs notwithstanding.

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

2008-10-21T07:59:00.007-05:00

It seems that today the question isn't just "Where's the beef?" It is also "Is this beef real?"

The following letter was sent to all of the world's leading news outlets including, among others, Reuters, CNN, Deutsche Zeitungen, USA Today, La Opinion Publica, Telemundo and, of course, the Bulverde Standard. We at Needtovent are proud to be the first to publish it.

October 21, 2008

Under the Federal Trade Commissions Act:

-- Advertising must be truthful and non-deceptive.
-- Advertisers must have evidence to back up their claims; and
-- Advertisements cannot be unfair.

Based on the political ads I have seen, the FTC “Truth in Advertising” rules obviously are in abeyance until the end of the election. According to Sam Adams in Steven Yount's brilliant novel Wandering Star, “There are lies, there are damned lies, and there are statistics.” Can anyone disagree that the incidence of lies and statistics from both political parties at the national, state and local level are currently at an all-time high? Enough already...

The FTC’s Deception Policy Statement declares an ad to be deceptive if it contains a statement – or omits information – that:

-- Is likely to mislead consumers acting reasonably under the circumstances; and
-- Is “material” – that is, important to a consumer’s decision to buy or use a product.

One of the definitions on Dictionary.com of a “product” is a person or thing produced by or resulting from a process, as a natural, social, or historical one. Example: He is a product of his time.

Personally, I think in our elections we are buying a “product.” Therefore, FTC Truth in Advertising laws should apply. Why aren’t they??? After so many years of untruthful campaign ads (on both sides) shouldn’t we ask the FTC, as part of the government we are paying for, to do their job?

As a final note, if political ads are all truthful and therefore do not fall under the Truth in Advertising laws, why do all the major media have “factcheck.org” as part of their daily analysis?

If anyone is interested, the FTC link is:

http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/business/adv/bus35.shtm

Sincerely,

Lynda Nowotny

Disclosure: Maitresse Nowotny (aka "The General") has had a long and distinguished career at Needtovent serving as a research analyst, copy editor, computer technician, craft service provider and histrio dominatrix. This is her first Op-Ed piece to published.

THREADS

2008-10-14T08:03:00.021-05:00

Narrator: In an urban society, everything connects. Each person's needs are fed by the skills of many others. Our lives are woven together in a fabric. But the connections that make society strong also make it vulnerable.

On September 23, 1984, the BBC telecast the most horrific, the most gruesome, the most visceral viewing experience in mainstream television history. Almost twenty-five years later, no broadcast has even come close to making a similar impact. Perhaps more importantly, current world politics make this provocative and powerful anti-war statement as relevant as ever.

THREADS is a shocking examination of what would really happen if an all-out thermonuclear war were to take place. Set in Sheffield, England, Britain's fourth largest city and a prime military target thanks to a nearby NATO airbase, this apocalyptic political drama, shot in a terrifyingly realistic semi docu-drama style, proves once and for all that a widescale nuclear conflict is neither winable nor survivable. Forget about "duck and cover" -- those wooden school desks, much less all the duct tape and vinyl sheeting money can buy at Home Depot, will not save you or your family.

The First Act introduces us to our primary characters, Ruth Beckett (brilliantly portrayed by Karen Meagher) and her boyfriend, Jimmy Kemp (Reece Dinsdale). When Ruth discovers she is pregnant they decide to get married, a decision that is not totally supported by their families. Although set in the Cold War, Writer/Director Mick Jackson suggests that the Soviet Union is interested in making Iran a Soviet satellite and so Russian troops are marched into that mid-east country triggering a tense stalemate with the United States and its allies. As tensions continue to mount, we see Ruth and Jimmy and their families continue their normal daily routines paying little attention to the increasingly escalating situation in Iran. After an exchange of tactical nuclear weapons within the borders of Iran an all-out thermonuclear war ensues and Sheffield is hit by two Russian ICBMs, annihilating most of the city and its inhabitants. Jimmy is killed in the resulting firestorm, but Ruth and her family survive, their house severly damaged but not destroyed.

The Second Act concentrates on the devastation of Sheffield and its inhabitants. These terrifying scenes are shockingly graphic and unforgettably horrific. Milk bottles on the front steps of homes liquify. A terrified woman in the streets literally loses control of her bodily functions as the mushroom cloud emerges on the horizon. A cat rolls in agony in the burning, twisted debris. The faces of men, women and children literally melt down to the bone in unimaginable agony. I could go on and on and on...

And it is the dead who are the lucky ones.

At one point prior to the attack a character in a pub states, "If an atomic bomb does drop, I wanna be pissed out of my mind and straight underneath it when it happens."

Amen, brother.

The Third Act takes a look at the aftermath of some 3,000 megatons of nuclear destruction worldwide. Civilization, as we know it, no longer exists. All the threads are irreparably severed -- there is no water, no food, no electricity, no communication, and nothing resembling public order, only chaos, despair and suffering of unspeakable magnitude. And, of course, there is the radiation sickness which slowly, painfully, chillingly takes the lives of Ruth's family and countless others, leaving a barren, radioactive, inhospitable landscape where crops are almost impossible to grow and daily life is reduced to, at best, medieval conditions.

Ruth eventually gives birth to an apparently healthy daughter before she succumbs to leukemia thirteen years after the attack. As if this isn't depressing enough, the finale will leave an indelible impression as the very future of mankind is depicted in a brilliantly suggestive, off-camera manner that will haunt the viewer for the rest of his or her life. Make no mistake, you will be stunned virtually into submission, and the 401K problems you are worrying about today will seem ever so insignificant.

One final comment: A little less than a year before THREADS premiered in England, ABC broadcast THE DAY AFTER. This somewhat similar film starring Jason Robards, JoBeth Williams, Steve Guttenberg and John Lithgow examined post nuclear life in Lawrence, Kansas. I can still remember being frightened by this landmark program; if you saw it also, you, too, might recall the alarming effect it had on virtually all viewers. With this being said, let me state that in no uncertain terms THE DAY AFTER is like a picnic in the park when compared to THREADS.

There have been a dozen or so excellent films exploring a post apocalyptic, post nuclear world. The same is true for films taking a strong, unrepentant anti-war position. THREADS is at the very top of this list -- it is a film you must see and a film you will never, ever forget. THREADS may be a difficult DVD to find, but the search is well worth it.

WALL STREET vs. WALL DRUG STORE

2008-10-08T11:27:00.013-05:00

"Show me the money."

Jerry Maguire asked for it and Needtovent's own Robert A. Nowotny is happy to show the first one million dollars being sent off to some Wall Street tycoon under the inscrutable, insidious, insolent and insane government-induced $700 million (and counting) bailout plan.

Insolvency for the fat cats never looked so good.

Insurgency by the hard-working dogs from what was once called "the middle class" never looked so good either.

Hey, up until the 1980s Bolivia had experienced more coup d'etats (both military and civilian-led) than it had years of existence as an independent nation. Maybe it's time for a little overthrow of the powers that be in both Washington and Wall Street by those of us who believe in traditional American values and a sense of fair play that can still be found at places like the Wall Drug Store in South Dakota.

We once held a Tea Party that produced some pretty good results.

Maybe it's time to hold another one...

VEEP OR WEEP?

2008-10-02T14:15:00.007-05:00

Tonight's much anticipated Vice Presidential Debate pits the bull, the Lipstick Dipstick, Ms. Sarah Palin, against yet another pasty face white guy running for national office, the Gaffemaster himself, the Not-So-Honorable Mr. Joe Biden. It will be interesting to see which candidate will make a favorable impression. Our guess is that neither will emerge triumphant. In fact, given the history of these two party-loyal participants, the entire staff here at Needtovent is surprised that a network other than The Comedy Channel elected to even carry this event.

After her impressive debut speech during the GOP National Convention, Ms. Palin grew on the Republican faithful like she was a colony of E. Coli and they were a slab of room-temperature Alaskan moose venison. In fact, this photograph taken at yesterday's Bar-W Republican fundraiser proves that eye candy just might be highly influential after all -- it has clearly morphed the eyewear of the washed masses as seen here.

As for Mr. Biden, this recent photograph proves he's not much more than a Bozo with a mouth -- a great big mouth. (There are black bass in Lake Sam Rayburn who are jealous). If only Obama had selected Hillary as his running mate -- the ensuing cat fight would have been a lot more fun than this match-up, the equivalence of an Army-North Texas college football game. (The only two winless teams in Division 1 as of today. So much for their BCS chances.)

From BCS to plain old BS -- be sure to tune in tonight. After all, who doesn't like seeing a trainwreck?

ATSF's "Chico" is, of course, the only possible exception.

LEAVE IT TO BEAVER...

2008-09-26T09:48:00.008-05:00

Oregon State 27, U$C 21

What a game!

Having lost to lowly Stanford (arguably the worst team in the PAC 10) and then being routed 45-14 by Joe Pa's Nittany Lions, it seemed impossible to even imagine that 25-point underdog Oregon State could possibly beat the mighty Southern Cal Trojans and their cocky coach, Mr. Red Top himself, the egotistical Pete Carroll.

But beat them they did.

Whizz kid Jacquizz Rodgers (from Lamar Consolidated High School), a 193-pound diminutive freshman running back, deflated Pretty Pete's Prophylactics by squirming through holes pricked wide apart by his surging offensive line.

The last time OSU knocked up a Number One Ranked Team it was 41 years ago (1967) when they deflated the O. J. Simpson-led Trojans. This was back when Orenthal (aka "The Juice") was a gridiron great, not a murderer. But that's another story for another time and place.

For now -- it is time for all champions of what is right and just to rejoice.

Will the Boomer Sooners be next? (Could anyone Stoop so low? I say yes...)

DAVID BLAINE: DIVE OF DEATH

2008-09-25T10:21:00.020-05:00

Last night the Alphabet Network aired a two-hour "Prime Time Special" that was anything but "special." Talk about false advertising.

According to the official press release for DAVID BLAINE: DIVE OF DEATH, ABC-TV's spin meisters teased potential viewers by saying, "How will he exit from his perch overlooking NYC? Details of Blaine's heart-stopping plunge at the conclusion of the special are a closely-guarded secret. He will surprise us all -- live!"

And what a surprise it was -- the "plunge" from his perch was more like a "flutter" as Blaine was oh-so-gently lowered a not-so-impressive 44 feet (by a clearly visible cable no less) to the stage floor only to then be lifted slowly back into the nighttime sky to (supposedly) make it look like Blaine magically disappears into the black ether over New York's Central Park. No lights followed him once he was above the scaffolding from which he was originally lowered and so, predictably, the screen turns jet black as the camera continues to tilt upward into darkness and the crane obviously hoisting Blaine skyward remains unseen.

A millesecond later fast moving credits zip past the now-blank screen and, just as quickly and most importantly, the television viewing audience realizes it has been cheated. Host John Saunders perhaps felt the most cheated of all -- he's virtually speechless at what can only be described as the most pathetic, unbelievable climax since the Paris Hilton video. You could almost hear Herve Villechaize yelling, "Da crane! Da crane!"

When it comes to ascensions, I think Christ may have done it better; I certainly know Mary Martin did.

Pre-recorded segments appearing prior to the heralded "Dive Of Death" (I am chuckling as I write these words) were more engaging. Catching a .22 calbre bullet fired into a metal cup placed in Blaine's mouth was modestly interesting, and his card tricks among the most disenfranchised Americans (New Orleans Ninth Ward, West Virginia coal miners, Harlem street urchins -- where were the Wall Street suits?) were among the best I've ever seen. But when it comes to hanging upside down (60 hours, regular toilet breaks notwithstanding), I believe Mussolini and his mistress were far more memorable.

How pathetic...

Blaine's "Dive of Death" makes the Snake River jump look good. He is, at best, Houdini Lite. And he's never made the trains run on time either.

DANCING WITH THE STARS

2008-09-23T09:05:00.025-05:00

"Speaking of ballroom, these pants are very, very tight."
(Jeffrey Ross)

The Seventh Edition of DANCING WITH THE STARS is now upon us and for most red-blooded American males this marks the beginning of another Season of Joy that might only be rivaled by the opening of Deer Season, Baseball Season, Bowl Season (the BCS notwithstanding) and, of course, "March Madness." Who needs to pay extra for The Playboy Channel or XTSY when ABC will telecast something this stimulating for the cost of basic cable? Yes, pants will get tight, glad I wear boxers...

The above-quoted Jeffrey Ross, aka "Roastmaster General," is one of thirteen "celebrities" vying for the coveted Mirrored Ball and lasting fame, if not fortune. Mr. Ross is considered to be the "Meanest Man In Comedy" -- a title that might be appropriate only because Triumph the Insult Dog is a canine and Lisa Lampanelli is, well, a different kind of dog. Still, Ross does have at least a modest following as do all of the other "celebrities" to one degree or another. And speaking of "degrees," what does it matter when every one of the pairings has at least one super hot partner?

Besides Ross, this year's celebrity line-up includes:

Lance Bass -- a member of the pop group NSYNC
Toni Braxton -- a six-time Grammy Winner
Brooke Burk -- regularly ranked as one of the sexiest women alive, even after four children

Susan Lucci -- "the most famous face in daytime television" -- she will be appearing in her 10,000th episode of ALL MY CHILDREN soon
Rocco DiSpirito -- the celebrity chef and cookbook author
Maurice Greene -- two-time Olympic Gold Medal Winner
Kim Kardashian -- last year she was selected as "Rear of the Year" -- honest
Cloris Leachman -- actress with 9 Emmys, one Golden Globe and one Academy Award (she's 82 and the oldest celebrity by far, yet she's not afraid to use a little cleavage to improve her score!)
Cody Linley -- the youngest celebrity ever to compete on the show -- age 18 -- plays Jake Ryan on the Disney show HANNAH MONTANA
Misty May-Treanor -- two-time Olympic Gold Medal Winner (volleyball)
Ted McGintey -- a rather obscure actor whose most interesting credits include roles in REVENGE OF THE NERDS and MARRIED WITH CHILDREN

Warren Sapp -- 13-year NFL career with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Oakland Raiders -- clearly the heaviest of all contestants to date

And then there are the professional dancers who never cease to amaze, both with their feet and, for the females especially, for their tans. Among our favorites are Julianne Hough, Cheryl Burke, Tony Dovolani, Edyta Sliwinska, Maksim Chmerkovskiy and the fiesty, hard-luck...

...Karina Smirnoff. Can you believe Smirnoff has a Law Degree from Fordham University? I say get out the vodka and lets slap a lawsuit on someone!

Keeping things rolling along at a comfortable pace is the quick-witted quipster Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris, the beguiling broad who helps shoulder the hosting duties (pun intended -- do you think she's from Chicago?) And last, but not least, there's the esteemed Panel of Judges -- Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli, a three-some as zany as the Nairobi Trio. Put these ingredients together and you have a stylish, slightly salacious smorgasbord sure to satisfy couch potatoes from Idaho to Istanbul.

DANCING WITH THE STARS -- exposing more heavenly bodies than anything this side of Andromeda, or even Rick's Cabaret...

(Thanks go to L-Cubed DWTS commentator extraordinaire Lynda L. whose unique insight and overnight overviews provided some of the information used in this Needtovent posting. We feel extremely lucky to be among the dozen or so recipients of these proprietary and highly exclusive e-mails -- there's not been a more notorious or secretive VIP newsletter since Dennis Franchione's infamous Aggieland gaucherie, yet L-Cubed complies with all applicable NCAA rules and regulations! Keep 'em coming Lynda L.)